Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ACRon, Jul 17, 2007.

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  1. ACRon

    ACRon Well-Known Member

    hi everyone, was a little unsure where to post this but thanks for reading.

    Wanted to talk about the percieved death of my mother and father because Im a little confused. Its a strange idea to me and a little conceptual as she still walks the planet, as does my father but bear with me I'll try and get to the point.

    I have a deep confusion in me that remains unsolved. its like a bag of everything that I feel naturaly for my surroundings. when I open it, my perceived soul pours out in big, lively spasms of joy and sadness and every other emotion that probably makes some people feel sick.

    Within it I feel alive, happy and free. its home to me. It probably drives everything that I do without me even realising it. I can choose to ignore it, exist and get by without it. but it never goes away. I want it to stop bleeding and reminding me of what I truely want. because I think its dumb, painful and selfish. when I live in it I seem to lose all rational thought and the ability to make decisions. It turns me into a child, and I feel weak and powerless within it

    basically, it is who I am, and it won't go away. For a long time I thought it was the devil, for a long time i thought it was jesus for a long time I thought it was my parents. I don't like what it wants, its greedy.

    On the other hand though, I have met someone who seems to avoid it. someone who has friends of their own who avoid it together. they have escaped their passions and their natural self. I fell in love with something cold, who was trying to save me from myself. however cold and miserable their reality seems, it seems to be more sensible, yet more realistic.

    these choices never go away. I know if i accept the soul I will feel trapped by by own disease of love and greed. If I let the soul die I will be happy to live a desolate lifestyle. but I can only go through with that If their is no trace of my soul left. despite how good those people seem who i am trying to get rid of, they seem to want me to be deaf and ignorant to the reality of life on earth.

    I am so confused, Im sure ive written so much on here, but it is all meaningless till I know what I want. and I can't make this choice for some reason. I hate myself for bieng a coward who can't choose, but as soon as i make that choice and commit to one thing, I'm quickly battered down from the other side. Its driving me crazy as I dont want to hurt anyone, but because I can't make my mind up, I'm hurting everyone including myself. Thanks for reading
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