Incapable of normal romantic relationship.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Bad_Wolf, Mar 5, 2013.

  1. Bad_Wolf

    Bad_Wolf Member

    I've posted on specifically marriage related forums and it seems all I get is a slew of "He's totally cheating" or judgments against myself and it's not helping my mental situation one bit. I figured I'd give this a try before I go bonkers.

    I have and have always had a hard time at maintaining romantic relationships.. after the initial infatuation stage, my sex drive totally nose drives and all but disappears completely. I've been a serial monogamist since I was 14 and I am now 28.

    My brain is so scattered right now, I don't even remember why I started this post off that way. Ugh. Here's the basis of my problem:

    I have been married a little over a month.. but I've been with my husband since 2005.. and we've been friends since 2001. I left an emotionally abusive cheating boyfriend of three and a half years to be with him. He was supposed to be my Prince Charming and he was.. for about a year before my normal pattern took hold. Now he's stuck with a wife who maybe puts out at most three times a month. He says it doesn't bother him but how could it not? It bothers /me/ and to be fair, if he really, honestly weren't bothered by the situation, he wouldn't grope me or say sexual things to me at all. It just really sucks because I love him so much but I don't know if I can ever make myself as there for him as he needs. I keep trying.. I've been in therapy, I've taken meds, I read relationship books.. He thinks I'm not trying because it hasn't much improved but I really, truly am. I don't relish being stuck in this rut for the rest of my life.

    I've always been bothered by this part of myself. It happens in every major relationship I've had.. There have only been three MAJOR ones.. when I was 14 (year and a half), then 17 (three and a half years), and then 20 (8 years this October). There were other shorter relationships between them but I've only had 6 sexual partners, one of which was a one night stand which I quickly learned was an act not suited for me. I thought that maybe this pattern kept repeating because the two other major boyfriends were not nice people. They were at first but quickly showed their true, manipulative colours and both ended up cheating on me countless times.. which I wouldn't blame my husband for doing. Who could blame him for looking elsewhere when his own wife doesn't even really care to touch at all? The difference is that my husband really does care about me and tries to be understanding..

    I've had a lot of stress since we've been together and I often wonder if that hasn't been the cause of the seemingly constant deterioration of my ability to happily carry on a relationship. When we first started dating, I was in my final year of college which was stressful because it was not only the most difficult academically, my heart was also no longer in it. When I graduated, I couldn't find a job for six months.. I spent my time depressed and playing video games. When I did get a job, it was answering phones at a car dealership.. which I still do to this day. I've hated my job since day one but it pays the bills, as they say. The customers are rude and talk down to me daily.. and I can't defend myself.. so I'm almost always angry. In 2009, my mom had a stroke and it was seriously debilitating.. but they also discovered lung cancer when they did a scan on her. She died in 2011 when it metastaticized to her brain. My mom was my best friend so this killed me.. I became addicted to pain killers when she was ill but stopped after she died.. I was fine for awhile.. but then I began cutting, something I hadn't done since I was 16. Our relationship was a roller coaster at this time. I even broke up with him for a month.. But we ultimately got back together. I eventually stopped self harming and found my true calling in tattooing. I've been apprenticing since last year but it has slowed to nearly a halt and I feel like my mentor doesn't understand how much it means to me though I've explained it a billion times. I feel like I'll be stuck answering phones forever.

    I thought my depression went away because I don't cry every day anymore. But whenever I do cry, say while I'm watching a sad movie or playing a sad video game, it seems like it ends up being a torrent of tears for every reason I've held inside. I also tend to cry hysterically after we /do/ have sex, something that is very depressing for him.

    My brain has completely abandoned me right now so I'm ending this here. I can't think straight. I only know that I hurt worse than I acknowledge most of the time.. and I find my mind going to dark places more and more often. It hasn't been quite this bad since right after my mom passed. I can't go through with anything drastic because I simply can't do that to my dad.. or my husband. But I feel pretty much dead already.