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Incapable of recieving help

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thepointisthereisnopoint, Apr 21, 2009.

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  1. First up I wont bother you with death dates and things that may seem to allure a sense of compassion as some cheap token to be worked out of people, Im just gonna tell it as it is.

    For longer than I can remember gloominess, pain, heartache, stress and discomfort have been my companions.
    I would sleep feeling bad and wake up feeling worse. My childhood was the run of the mill father leaves mother with children left to become the medium for passive argument.
    Through that experience I learnt without knowing it to become somewhat emotionally dead. This was the only way I could ensure I would stop having anxiety attacks, depression and constant fear and confusion.
    Ever since I started that coupled with vigorous desensitizing to things like violence, hate, gore (watching real murder videos with victims screaming) I unwittingly trained myself into a morally dysfunctional cold person, similar to a sociopath. This was using the logic that if I didn't care about anything I couldn't be hurt by anything.
    I had pain for so long that soon that pain lost its direction, I forgot why I had pain and it all fueled into hate. Hate at first for the more troubling things and finally hate for nearly everything. This hate has turned me into somewhat a narcissist and given my violently encouraged childhood I have grown to desire things such as murder, gore, emotional manipulation and criticizing others to benefit myself.
    I consider myself a pretty bright guy, top most of my subjects and debate a LOT on philosophical things. Ive tried so many alleys in life and the common theme is that I am unhappy everywhere I go.
    Doesn't take a genius to realize that its not what I'm doing thats the problem, but the problem is me.
    My longings for death does not come from people abusing me, or really from a rough situation, I have life pretty good compared to others. But when I'm dealing with these highly immoral illegal urges ALL THE TIME its just a ticking time bomb before I chose between suicide or life imprisonment. The difference is in custody you cant kill yourself. The pain of being in a confined cell for the rest of my life scares me more than jumping off a bridge.
    People say to get help, see a psych or a counselor. The problem is if i divulge what my intentions are and given the level of my capability, they would give me a smile, say "its gonna be alright" while I get a needle in the leg from behind, shipped to a crazy bin and again in custody unable to end it.

    The main problem is that I am mentally incapable of receiving help because it means im vulnerable to another person. Ive copped it that many times from people that letting someone into my psyche is almost impossible to me these days.

    Everyone that tries to help I unwillingly lash out at, and its just getting worse and worse, I'd rather just move onto death, nothingness, non-existent....at least there the chance of me feeling bad is zero.
  2. Numpty

    Numpty Member

    Don't kill yourself. What it seems like you need is some alcohol. You appear to be afraid of being "locked up" and what not, but really, by not giving in to human behaviour you are locking yourself up. Live. That is what you need. Your fear of becoming a prisoner is only making you a prisoner to yourself.

    Cold and sociopathic is what you refer to yourself as aye? Trust me, no. You are not. I hate to burst your bubble, but when you say that you watch videos of actual murders...well...that isn't much. Plenty of people do it. Watching little pixels on a screen bleed out and scream is one thing, hearing someone cry and watching the tears hit the ground and the blood flow as it unfolds right infront of your face is a different ball park.

    Perhaps you can join the army? Then your "sociopathy" might be put to the test.

  3. I feel the only reason I haven't done those things is because of this constant logic battle in my head. If I decide to do these things then I will probably have only a few chances to do it before I am taken away, in other words I am smart enough to know that I have to optimize my chances of getting away with it before I do it.

    So you can relate a little to how I work:

    Say for instance a car coming off a roundabout didn't put his exit blinker on which makes me think he was going to keep turning when I could have gone.

    A situation these days as small as that seems like someone just punched me square in the face. The anger is immense and all I can think about is hurting the person for being an idiot.

    When you say "afraid of being locked up" the word afraid associated with me makes me feel inferior for having a weak emotion, weak emotions mean others can step on top of you, abuse you, control you and take advantage.

    Im sorry if this seems like a tangent but its a symbiotic relationship between my inability to love and my suffering.

    "Nice guys finish last" is something that describes the way I think. Even being wrong about a simple calculation in maths makes me furious because it means that anyone who got it right is now better than me and has the opportunity to take advantage of the situation. Its not wanting to be hurt in a strange way.
  4. samba101

    samba101 Member

    Yes I've touched upon where you are now, I used to be very cold in my feelings of others and my family members when I was a teenager, my chosen profession back then was to become a professional assasin, no joke. It came from countless times of being let down and hurt, after a while your going to start hating people that you come across, in my case it was trust.

    As for what your feeling now and what you'd like to do is years of emotion that just doesn't have a constructive oultlet to go to, my feeling is you are quite restrictive in what you let yourself feel. Don't take me for my word. I see that you have rage issues too, are you too hard on yourself? When you've been let down time and time again you start to give yourself rules to live by a sort of code. Years of negative self talk has put you in the position where you are today, I used to punish myself with food, not eat, purge, I was really strict in what I did, I had all these rules that I had to adhere to. I'm lucky that my relationship with my then boyfriend lasted the time it did because I was an unfeeling bitch.

    My feelings did change after time it just took years to get there and now I'm nothing like my former self.
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