First up I wont bother you with death dates and things that may seem to allure a sense of compassion as some cheap token to be worked out of people, Im just gonna tell it as it is. For longer than I can remember gloominess, pain, heartache, stress and discomfort have been my companions. I would sleep feeling bad and wake up feeling worse. My childhood was the run of the mill father leaves mother with children left to become the medium for passive argument. Through that experience I learnt without knowing it to become somewhat emotionally dead. This was the only way I could ensure I would stop having anxiety attacks, depression and constant fear and confusion. Ever since I started that coupled with vigorous desensitizing to things like violence, hate, gore (watching real murder videos with victims screaming) I unwittingly trained myself into a morally dysfunctional cold person, similar to a sociopath. This was using the logic that if I didn't care about anything I couldn't be hurt by anything. I had pain for so long that soon that pain lost its direction, I forgot why I had pain and it all fueled into hate. Hate at first for the more troubling things and finally hate for nearly everything. This hate has turned me into somewhat a narcissist and given my violently encouraged childhood I have grown to desire things such as murder, gore, emotional manipulation and criticizing others to benefit myself. I consider myself a pretty bright guy, top most of my subjects and debate a LOT on philosophical things. Ive tried so many alleys in life and the common theme is that I am unhappy everywhere I go. Doesn't take a genius to realize that its not what I'm doing thats the problem, but the problem is me. My longings for death does not come from people abusing me, or really from a rough situation, I have life pretty good compared to others. But when I'm dealing with these highly immoral illegal urges ALL THE TIME its just a ticking time bomb before I chose between suicide or life imprisonment. The difference is in custody you cant kill yourself. The pain of being in a confined cell for the rest of my life scares me more than jumping off a bridge. People say to get help, see a psych or a counselor. The problem is if i divulge what my intentions are and given the level of my capability, they would give me a smile, say "its gonna be alright" while I get a needle in the leg from behind, shipped to a crazy bin and again in custody unable to end it. The main problem is that I am mentally incapable of receiving help because it means im vulnerable to another person. Ive copped it that many times from people that letting someone into my psyche is almost impossible to me these days. Everyone that tries to help I unwillingly lash out at, and its just getting worse and worse, I'd rather just move onto death, nothingness, non-existent....at least there the chance of me feeling bad is zero.