I don't know how long it's been since I've really done this. I've not been great, I've never been great, but sometimes all the ropes balance themselves out, the figurative ship of life is steadied, and if not happy, you can feel that life is tolerable. I guess I ask how far from a good life do you have to be that even tolerable seems like some great achievement. Anyway, the ropes have gone. Or at least whatever ones were keeping things balanced. Some ropes are tied around you, where others you have to hold on to. I've not let go of anything, so something has let go of me. But I don't know what. I don't know a lot of things really. Maybe the rope that's frayed and snapped finally is my sanity? I certainly feel more unstable than I have done in a long time. I've not hurt myself in far longer than I thought possible, at least when I think about thinking about it. At what point does intentionally stopping yourself from doing something give way to actually expelling it from your mind? I don't know. Right now I can't make any sense of anything, I don't know what I feel, I don't know what I'm going to end up doing to myself this time. Why can't it be as simple as pressing a button. Just bang, and no more of this pain. Why does everything that is have to be useless compared to what could have been? Why are all decisions wrong? Because fuck you Rathis, that's why.