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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Deleted SKU, Apr 5, 2013.

  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I don't know how long it's been since I've really done this.

    I've not been great, I've never been great, but sometimes all the ropes balance themselves out, the figurative ship of life is steadied, and if not happy, you can feel that life is tolerable.

    I guess I ask how far from a good life do you have to be that even tolerable seems like some great achievement.

    Anyway, the ropes have gone. Or at least whatever ones were keeping things balanced. Some ropes are tied around you, where others you have to hold on to. I've not let go of anything, so something has let go of me.

    But I don't know what. I don't know a lot of things really.

    Maybe the rope that's frayed and snapped finally is my sanity? I certainly feel more unstable than I have done in a long time. I've not hurt myself in far longer than I thought possible, at least when I think about thinking about it. At what point does intentionally stopping yourself from doing something give way to actually expelling it from your mind?

    I don't know. Right now I can't make any sense of anything, I don't know what I feel, I don't know what I'm going to end up doing to myself this time.

    Why can't it be as simple as pressing a button. Just bang, and no more of this pain.

    Why does everything that is have to be useless compared to what could have been? Why are all decisions wrong?

    Because fuck you Rathis, that's why.
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I like the rope analogy, I am sorry that things have gone wrong though, the pressing a button, well I guess depression, self harm is like smoking once you quit it is always there you have to learn how to cope without doing it, and I rely on cutting as much as smoking. Could I maybe say you need to be less harsh on you hell I do it to me, just be gentle, we all fall. Even after a long time, it is how we pick ourselves up again.

    I hope I made sense, I cannot stress enough, be gentle on you...........please

    Take Care

  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Tolerable is a good base from which to work for 'this is how it ought to be.' "Should have been" is about the past. Try concentrating on getting back to tolerable. Then look at where you'd like to be and how to achieve that. Good luck.
  4. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    It doesn't make sense to be gentle with myself, life is harsh, people are harsh, so if I am gentle with myself, it just makes it easier for everyone and everything else to hurt me. At least if I am in control of my pain, if I am harsher with myself than anyone else is, then the rest of the pain becomes insignificant in comparison.
  5. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Tolerable is as far as I've ever got though, and takes everything I can give to achieve that. Going beyond that is as good as impossible, so I don't think I can waste my time trying any more.
  6. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I've been beyond tolerable. Not recently. Recently has touched unbearable. Now I'm aiming for more than tolerable. I have support. Know I couldn't reach or sustain tolerable alone. If I'm careful and am prepared for the fear of change I believe something better than tolerable is possible.
  7. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    I guess that's the problem, I don't believe it's possible any more. In fact I'm pretty much certain it isn't. My mind is a bit clearer than it was yesterday, but still I just feel like nothing more than a marionette with its strings cut.
  8. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I was absolutely certainly only bloody unbearable lay ahead when I really started using this site in January. Reading other members posts as their moods went up and down or the ones who were trying new things. At first I said not for me then I wondered whether it were possible. I was terrified of that first tiny feeling of hope. Didn't want to reach out, be rejected, be hurt again, be disappointed.