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incredible discontent & derealization. i am totally lost

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by spaceman, Nov 6, 2009.

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  1. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    i really don't know where to start. i've been depressed on/off for the last 6 years, but nothing close to this. i never once thought of killing myself until the past month.
    i've been seeing a psychiatrist & am on medication. over 6 years, i've tried just about every antidepressant, SSRIs, SNRIs, wellbutrin, remeron...
    i have incredible social anxiety & panic disorder, psych says its more like agoraphobia tho...combined with my chronic insomnia, i've tried literally every prescribable benzodiazepine & 'z-drug' as well as trazadone etc for sleep. have not found a suitable combination.
    psych also says i have ADHD, not at all 'hyperactive' bit tho...attention deficit doesn't sound accurate either - i just really, truly do not care about much of anything.

    i have a history of drug use that few people know about...


    i started dropping acid in high school (BEFORE -any- signs of depression. i had read about psychedelics for years before i tripped for the first time, i'm well aware psychedelics and depression, anxiety etc mix with absolutely psychotic outcomes...) , and soon started smoking pot daily for most of high school. for a long time these were the only 2 drugs i touched - the LSD was just to take a vacation from real life, and the pot was self medication for my anxiety. i missed something like 39 days of school junior year because of anxiety and a lack of motivation. it's easy to pass it off as an effect of the marijuana, but i knew from the start of freshman year i had absolutely no intention of going to college, so i didn't pay attention or try very hard at all in classes. i would read during classes, not do any homework and can count the number of tests i studied for on one hand...didn't have a circle of friends in high school, and have never been very good at making new friends, so kept to myself.

    i was fine with solitude during high school. then i graduated, and next thing i knew 3 years had passed and i had absolutely nothing to show for it. i remember very little of the last 3 years. i would shut myself in my room, not leave the house for weeks (at times months...) at a time.


    drugs...very soon after graduating, i was introduced to opiates. all of highschool all i touched was lsd, pot & alcohol. i had a job through HS and really didnt buy much, don't own a car...so i had quite a bit of money saved up. i would buy massive amounts of opiates (hydrocodone at first...onto dilaudid & morphine, then oxycodone & all stops in between...) and just keep in my room for as long as my stash held out, sleeping as much of the day away as possible, trying to stay high the remainder. i'd keep an eye on my stash and just when i knew i had one days worth left, i'd get as fucked up as i could just to be able to go out and make the commute to pick up again...

    time is really hard for me to pin down, to say when things happened simultaneously etc...but during this same general time frame i was already seeing a psych. well, low and behold, the medications i used properly for a couple months soon became just another option to get high. my life more or less consisted of sleeping, opiates & benzos & whiskey for 2 years. i would eat whatever benzo i happened to have at the time & drink myself to blackout many, many nights...soon started shooting the better opiates, dilaudid and oxycodone. i was in bliss, i had no worries, no commitments, no schedule. 3 years really feels like it went by in 3 weeks.

    since my introduction to opiates, doc suggests i have ADHD and wanted to prescribe adderall. well, right on...lead to many week long binges with zero sleep and forgetting to eat for 2 days...

    i feel in a very awkward position, because as i said very few (meaning 2...) people total know about the extent of my a use. my parents have been completely oblivious - they once found a pipe in HS and busted me on that, but don't have a clue to the current state of things...they think i just sit on the computer all day or something, i dont know.
    further awkward position is...i'm receiving, legally prescribed, three different medications (adderall, klonopin & halcion) that i am abusing. i understand this, but just...sweep it under the rug...because admitting it to my psych will obviously mean i will no longer be prescribed well, anything....i supplement my prescribed amounts w/ whatever is available when i pick up opiates...but i have $40 left to my name. in the last 3 years i've sold off most of what i owned, as i'm not able to keep a real job for various reasons (drug testing, motivation, anxiety & social phobia...) well i'm out of things to sell. i can't sell drugs because i don't know anyone and have no way of meeting people...i've been through 2 "chemical dependancy" classes, rehab lite...relapsed almost instantly.

    i realize i've focused almost entirely on my history & current situation as it pertains to drugs...if this were all there was, a solid rehab & detox center would probably set me on some sort of right path.

    but there is so, so much more. the laundry list edition -
    i have no real friends, i have contacts and i have two buddies who just call every now and then sarcastically asking if i'm still alive, invite me to a party or something which i always have to find a new way to get out of.

    i cannot find yet alone work and maintain a job. at all.
    i have no structure or (healthy) routine in my life.
    i am beyond lonely at this point, i just do not care. i exist separate from everyone exists separate from me.

    i am terribly socially awkward and and absolutely unfit for conversation of any sorts. i can sort of pass by as normal, given i've ingested and maintain the proper cocktail but it's a dead giveaway at that point, and my one buddy who i used to hang out with somewhat regularly, once he found our how hard i was using, flat out said he won't be around me when i am (his sister was addicted to heroin for 6 years where no one in the family heard from her...) and i'm not allowed at his house if i am still. catch22...

    relationship with my parents is non existent. i feel more like a guest renting a room in their house than a son. i've gone weeks without my dad talking to me - (he is bipolar, untreated refuses...) and the only time he talks to me is when he is in one of his moods and just lashes out on me. i don't respond, my mouth forgets how to speak when he talks to me. i do not know how to communicate verbally. i have no feelings towards them one way or another. they definitely fucked up my life from an early age, i was never allowed to have friends over in grade school, i never made friends, i never learned basic communication skills.

    nothing seems real to me. it's not really a feeling of not feeling real, but feeling like i'm constantly dreaming, where nothing matters, outcomes have no impact. it's not a dream state formed from reality tho...this is more circus act existence. this is maybe how newborns experience the world they find themself in for the first time...take in data of the situation around you, but you don't fully know how to interpret it yet. i am aware of whats going on around me but i often misinterpret the easiest things...as if my vision is overlayed with my dream state reality, and the two sorta merge and mix to create one constantly changing buzzing bizarre landscape. the cup i'm drinking from has been three colors since i started typing, and i'm not sure what color it is in reality...i forget the year i was born and the current year and month regularly. each day i'm more and more convinced i'm simply someones dream...i have no idea what i'm doing or what is going on...
    there is definitely more i could keep rambling about, but i'm fading and not sure what i've already wrote...

    i've had my plan flawless & ready for the next time i run out of dilaudid or oxy, but i keep coming back for more, put it off one more time.

    i do not know what to do to continue living at this point. i feel damaged beyond repair at least repair i have skill & motivation & means (money) for...i feel very, very confused...i have no idea how i'm supposed to live as anyone else seems to.

    reading the shitstorm i created above...i don't know what response can come from it. i don't know fully what i meant to convey...sorry. maybe this was just a rant...any help or guidance or similar situations i'm all ears...

    my favorite bukowski poem makes more sense re: my situation than anything i can seem to write.

    the area dividing the brain and the soul
    is affected in many ways by
    some lose all mind and become soul:
    some lose all soul and become mind:
    some lose both and become:

    spaceman needs help. ta
  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Wow Spaceman, you're all over the place (I mean in your life). I have to say that the best thing you can do is go see your pdoc, and tell him everything. Even if your meds get cancelled, he's not going to cold turkey you, and it's a step in starting to sort some things out. You can't keep this up on your own. Seriously think about it at least. One thing at a time.
  3. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    I feel you when it comes to the meds - opiates and adderall, to be specific. I'm sorry you got into all those drugs, they really complicate and mess everything up.
  4. Beachy84

    Beachy84 Member

    Hi spaceman,
    It's good that you came to post here - it shows that you are ready to be honest with yourself and others. You exposed a lot, even some things that you probably never revealed before, and that took a lot of courage. What that tells me is that you have the strength necessary to pull yourself through to recovery. As long as you have the ability to be honest with yourself and others, you will be fine. I applaud your honesty and even though I don't know you very much, I am inspired by your reaching out. You should feel proud of the fact that you are able to lay out all the crap on the table for strangers to see and react to. That took an enormous amount of testicular fortitude and humility. I know that things are lousy right now, and you might not be in a state of mind able to recognize where you are actually at, but you have taken a huge step toward getting your life back.
    I too am pretty f'd up and I've built up a life around this f'upedness. I've come to the point; however, that I've realized that it all needs to be deconstructed and rebuilt upon a sane foundation. Your posting here and admitting that your living in a "bizarre landscape" is the first and most difficult step toward building a new life. After today, everything will get better if you press forward.
    Don't forget that you have problems beyond your control and that you need others (or medication) to help you control them. Be completely honest with your doctor and psychiatrist and allow them to help you. I cannot stress this enough - regardless of the consequences, you must be honest with these professionals. Remember that your life is just as worth living as any other. None of us is born with a number on our forehead that determines how important we are. If you weren't worth a zero rating, would I be writing this long-ass post to you? Hell no! And I don't even know you!!! You are just as worthy for help and life as me or anyone else.
    Don't just hang in there - come back here for help. I the meantime, start to be honest with your medical professionals. I hid the truth from them for a long time. When I finally let them know the truth, they were very helpful and understanding.
    Remember that recovery is a process. You will not be happy tomorrow, but you need to take a step. Keep stepping. If that means that you need to post 50 desperate messages here, then do it if that's what it takes.
    As someone who is struggling with recovery, I am very proud of you and your honesty. How difficult is it to bear our selves to the world!? Your post shows enormous strength. Perhaps you were only able to access the ability due to your desperation. Thank you for sharing it with us. I guarantee that there are hundreds of people who read your post and did not respond, but found some comfort in your story.

  5. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    thank you for replies all & sorry for not addressing each individually. i do appreciate all support and stories tho - makes me feel a bit less alone...

    the less important stuff:
    its been a long couple of weeks
    i had myself committed to a psych hospital on sunday the 8th
    was released saturday the 14th

    all my meds were changed - dr realized & took away the adderall, i'm still on 4mg klonopin daily tho as well as an anti-psychotic thats basically just a strong tranquilizer, like thorazine on steroids, which i'm not very happy about at all - tell my psych this and that at times i don't take it because the way it makes me feel, nothing has been done...he just says you should take it.

    i'm no longer presribed anything for sleep which continues to be a major issue. less and less sleep - the only time i sleep is after dilaudid IV and i nod off...

    i was sent to the chemical dependency program after being an inpatient for the week, but was "discharged" after i failed to show up 3 days in a row - i guess its an insurance policy...i wasn't showing up because i was & still am using and couldn't make soup yet alone drive myself to the hospital after 8mg dil IV'd

    i've done things i'm not proud of in the least bit to get my latest score of 15x 8mg dilaudid tabs...but i got them last night and all is well for time being.

    the more important stuff:
    since being released i've i tried to kill myself three fucking times, w/ a method i was convinced was fool proof. <Mod Edit, WildChery: Methods> anyways, three attempts in 5 days. i feel even worse now - i never understood the "attempted suicide" deal...it seems so straight forward to me - especially the method i chose. it has something like a 98% success rate. i fucked up 3 times tho...

    and since i used all my presribed benzodiazapines, i'm left without any anti anxiety medication, i'm left to withdrawl cold turkey because i can't very well call my psych and say <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

    i don't see my psychiatrist until FEB of 2010. he is booked solid til then.
    i was given a 2nd psych while inpatient in the hospital, but i don't have his number or anything - i don't think he even sees patients outside of the inpatient unit - he runs the unit.

    so i'm feeling extremely shitty, pounding headache, muscle spasms, horrible mood, physical pain in all extremities

    so i'm now turning more and more towards the opiates to feel somewhat normal, if not just to get high at the same time.

    i am at an even lower point than when i first posted. i have tried 3 times now and survived what i thought was a 100% option.
    i thought about trying to <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>but i think my tolerance is too high
    when i went to pick up my stash last night, my guy had buprenorphine - Subutex. even w/ my tolerance i could easily <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

    but i didn't buy it, because i only had $200 and wanted all the dilaudid i could get and wasn't thinking about suicide, only thinking about getting home ASAP and shooting that shit...

    i think the obvious answers i'm going to get will be "you need to check into a serious rehab center" which i basically agree with, but reasons stated above & now just a complete, COMPLETE lack of care about anything besides getting high...i dont care to recover at this point.

    i'm on a minimum $280 per week habit dilaudid alone
    benzos, soma, whiskey bring it closer to $340

    i have no steady source of income. i've stole from stores, stole cash from my folks, and (i'm bi-sexual) *****d my body out to older men for money via craigslist...

    i know my mothers ATM card code, and have been contemplating taking $500 (max withdrawal) and <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>- $500 would be more than enough, but my guy won't have any more in until almost christmas...

    what am i to do?
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2009
  6. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    also, this new feeling that language cannot possibly describe - this is beyond derealization / depersonalization...the feeling of being completely worthless, useless, a supreme fuck up of a failure of magnitudes beyond comprehension in order to unsuccessfully kill yourself 3 times in a row in a 5 day period...

    has anyone felt this way? HOW do you get over this? i have never felt more ashamed to be alive...
  7. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    i'm going to continue talking to myself here

    i'm sorry for all the editing that needed to be done to my post above - i had mentioned methods i had used...i realize not only this is a pro-life site but also certain methods could be triggers for some folks etc...

    if anyone has been in a similar situation or can offer any advice support besides a serious rehab, i know i need it but for multiple reasons it is not possible...i'm on my knees at this point as to what to do next.

    thank you all.
  8. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    well i went through 120mg of dilaudid in under 48 hours...
    i can usually control myself much better
    but thats $200 in 48 hours
    i had to shut down my own ATM account because there was less than the $25 required deposit remaining - which i then had to pay a fee for taking out money i didn't have ($50...)
    i am absolutely completely broke. i've got what i call my lack of dignity banner high in the air on craigslist, offering services in exchange for money or medication...
    i'm just afraid i'm gonna get caught one of these times
    and this is really no way to live...

    this seems like its just turning into a blog of me spiraling down down down

    another voice would make me feel somewhat sane, even this guys voice ---> :rooster:

    any roosters about?

    im about to be dopesick, which i've kicked countless times, but this time i don't have the added benefit of benzodiazapines to ease the physical and mental pain of withdrawal...mostly will be a shit and puke factory confined to my bed for the time being...

    i dream of a spaceship come pick me up and take me back where i belong
  9. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hey spaceman,

    i should stop reading posts at 5 in the morning cos i am not going to say anything useful, but i wanted to post quick to let you know that i'm reading and i'm pulling for you.

    i read your post.. actually even before everything was edited out.. anyway short of having the earth open up and demons drag you down to hell Sam Raimi-style there is always a chance you will survive anything, so if anything don't feel GUILTY that you survived your attempts, and dare i say, i hope this gives you a chance to really start fresh.

    obviously it is not that easy and that is why, although you say you want advice besides serious rehab.. man, i really really really think the best thing that you could do for yourself right now is go to a clinic or a hospital or a jail or anything and demand to just get locked in a room for a month away from the drugs and alcohol. i mean that is the whole deal with addiction, is you can't stop, and you don't want to, you just want all the side effects to go away, like the not being able to leave your room for months or the feeling like you are in a dream or the losing your friends or the blowing 300 bucks a week or the stealing or lying or hooking or wanting to die. but you don't get to have it both ways, you don't GET to keep the addiction but lose all the side effects. and obviously the side effects suck pretty bad or else you wouldn't be trying to kill yourself to escape them, and if they leave you to your own devices like they did at the outpatient chemical dependency program then you won't stop, like you say. the drugs will win that war every time.

    seriously. imagine yourself minus complete physical and psychological chemical dependence. the difference between now and then is one very serious, very awful, but very worth-it hardcore, locked up, 24-7, no bullshit, medically supervised detoxification followed by a lot of vigilance and counselling and starting over and not looking back. it is not easy or fun but it is totally possible and in the grand scheme of things it is not any more painful than what you have going on right now.

    i think you should do EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to save your own life and sanity by making this happen. shit, man, call a crisis center and have them send an ambulance right NOW, take this out of your hands until you are able to think with your own head and not with the addiction's. it is just one call!

    keep us posted. take it easy.
  10. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    thank you molotov
    i don't know how not to feel guilty if not even just really disappointed, confused, worthless etc. if you caught my post before it was edited, this might make more sense...the method i tried all 3 times has a 95+% success rate!
    i'm not a religious man, and i don't think there was any sort of divine intervention three nights in a row that have me typing here still instead of being an urn of ashes...but i do feel somewhat changed a new. i don't know quite how to go about using my new feeling, i can't say i want to die nearly as strongly as i did when i first made this post at the beginning of the month - it just seems like my efforts somehow diverted, me still being alive has to mean something more than the incredibly small survival percentage i managed to beat triple.

    as stupid as it sounds, one of my biggest fears about making the call or trying my hand at a -serious- rehab/detox center is my family finding out the extent of my drug use. and i don't know why that bothers me, i really don't have feelings for them much one way or the other - but i know if i were to do what i need to do right this moment to begin rehab, to get clean...my father would without a doubt never speak to me again. i am certain of this, and sad as it may sound i am fine with this.
    i also realize i have a very addictive personality, and not many other positive personality traits to push the negative addictive trait aside. i feel far too certain i would relapse...and then be out thousands of dollars for treatment, and be out of communication with my father, back where i am now but worse.

    i feel without learning how to socialize normally without chemical aid, how to go buy bread without needing to take 10mg of klonopin just to make it to the super market...its like which came first chicken or the egg?
    which do i work on first, the drug use that in turn would effect my social anxiety (hopefully...) or first my anxiety and try to get clean on my own (well i ave kinda tried this 4 times now so maybe i already know the answer...)
    i also feel like i have a sort of persona attached to me via drug use. it's what i know, it's all i do...how to pick up and start new without these friends of mine?
    everything i do i do while under the influence of something. i need to fucking relearn the basics, sober...
    and that thought alone, that last sentence, makes me cry & not want to make any attempt at getting clean.

    earlier in this post i think i said i dont feel like dieing nearly as much as i did when i started the post earlier this month - after writing this reply i realize that is not entirely true.
    if i had the money, i'd not wake up tomorrow.
    there is no chance of failure if you have enough money...
    i need to sleep so badly. i have absolutely zero prescribed medication left after my attempts, and shot the last of my dilaudid about 4 hours ago
    there will be no sleep tonight...

    thank you for the reply.
  11. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    I can't believe you have bee using for that long without your parents' finding you out. you must be very discreet.
  12. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    anytime i'm straight killed and red eyed thousand yard stare, i say its whatever anti-psychotic i'm on atm (perphenazine atm)
    i wear old sweaters or flannel to cover tracks.
    my dad works nights so he is rarely around, i just shuffle from room to room avoiding my mom til she needs something and i start to nod
    the real action happens between 2-6 am while the sane sleep.

    they have a very hands off parenting technique to say the least...nothing is ever wrong until they realize what they have let happen by not bringing attention to and then it's like i should have been the one to let them know how fucked things were.

    example of just how strange things are around here and how blind they seem to be - i've lost god knows how many pounds, i'm real tall too like 6'4 and about 145 now used to be 190. mom notices im losing weight, but doesn't put sitting in a room all day w/o exercise and drastic weight loss together...

    this is why explaining the simplest things to them are so difficult for me - they are not very bright people. and i guess they have their own problems too - both of their remaining parents at the same time had accidents while living alone, and both are dealing with getting their parents into a retirement community, so i'm further down the totem pole so to speak.

    everytime i come here to reply or post in someone elses thread, it brings me down for some reason...
  13. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    what is thepro oper next step in saving yiur kife after you have a okan, means abd methiod as well as a dat selectd??
    im not chking myself in to voluntairily the hospital again and if i csll 911 thats whree i end uo
    what other option???
    do things pretty mycu run theier course from here???
    spaceman - 12.20.10
    it evebn looks right
    and this guy has been anoyying me whole time im typeing
    kaughing laughing fall apart laughing laughing fall a party laughing lauhing fall apart
  14. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi spaceman

    random thoughts in no particular order..

    1) you don't leave your room for how long at a time and it would still come as a total surprise to your parents? they are either deeply deeply deeply oblivious or (my guess) turning a blind eye to the extent of your problems - even if they don't know exactly what the problems are. you don't see your dad and you avoid your mom, to me it sounds like there is not really that much room for your relationship to get worse.. right now they are just two people that you feel like you have to sneak around and lie to, maybe getting clean could be the start of you having a real relationship with them?

    but that is something to deal with later, right now you gotta focus on yourself. either you can take a chance on your parents not being able to deal with the fact that little spaceman is being honest and getting himself help (ultimately that is THEIR ISSUE NOT YOURS) or you do nothing and guarantee that things will never change.

    1a) same goes for the friends that you have because you are stoned. problem to deal with later. but right now you don't have a choice because you are hiding from all the not-stoned people.. clean friends are easier to make when you are clean, you say yourself these guys are not real friends to you, maybe you will meet nice people in rehab who are in the same place you are and then you can lean on each other? nicer to picture potential positive outcomes, no?

    1b) saying it will not work anyway because you have an addictive personality is the addiction talking. go back and talk to the part of your brain that saved you from your sure-fire method three times in five days, see what it has to say about the situation.

    2) yeah, i'm not really religious either but call it what you like, fate, God, the universe, luck, or a hardcore will to live that is buried deep down in your body and fighting to get out, SOMETHING got you out and bought you time, and now you are in a PERFECT position to go get help RIGHT NOW because you are all out of the meds you actually need PLUS the drugs that caused the attempt in the first place PLUS the money you would use to attempt or score drugs again. you do not have to go through this alone, detoxing alone in your room is going to make it way more scary and awful, and way less effective, than detoxing at a rehab center or a hospital or whatever.

    2a) i love random capital letters. and the chicken drives me nuts too, sorry sparkle.

    3) checking yourself in voluntarily will make your life way easier than being committed involuntarily or going to jail, neither of which are really ever that far from the table when you mix illegal drugs, prostitution, theft, and suicidality. none of the options are that fun but some of them are just "not fun but make things better" and some of them are more like "not fun and almost certainly end up killing you.." i still say call 911 or the samaritans, do it now before you can get more drugs, before you can act on the suicidal urges, before one of your johns turns out to be a detective, before your addiction can tell you not to.

    good luck. hang in there
  15. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    well apparently last night i thought it was 2010...i had been drinking for about 3 hours before i made that post. given that information...i think most of my last post (whatever parts were even comprehendible) can safely be ignored

    molotov - your post in particular has really helped me see things in a different light, the perspective/view of others which i often intentionally ignore.

    your first point is extremely valid - i realize the distant relationship is through time equally my doing...(at this point in the game, maybe not initially but for at least the last two years) i have not only not been doing anything to strengthen the fading relationship w/ my folks, but i have actively tried to pull it apart fiber by fiber...
    there were a few key falling outs for lack of better term...first full day of withdrawal, i'm not exactly at my sharpest here sorry...but there have been 3 major events sort of turning points in regards to the relationship w/ my folks in the last 4 years that stick out in my mind the most. they had a powerful effect on me in different ways (im being intentionally vague sorry), and i chose to more or less say "told ya so - it's (repairing relationship) isn't worth my effort - i don't care about these people" and time and again they would in my eyes "prove my point" by their actions. this only made me not want to get close to them in any way more and more...

    in response to 1a part about friends...true, the two remaining friends i have any contact with are sober (i'll never consider alcohol and marijuana use as not being sober)...they have their vices but well, well under control. i spoke with one the other night, whenever it was i picking up, and he asked what i was doing (he called, i didn't) and invited me down to his place. well, i was 50 miles north of his place scoring for the weekend...i am a TERRIBLE liar, i just cannot lie, so i told him this. this is the same friend whos sister disappeared while she was addicted to heroin for 6 years and lost contact with until recently - so you can fill in the rest of the story. he kept telling me to just throw it out the window etc, but i couldn't do that...
    i need new friends, and i need sober friends, or friends who can keep things together much better than i am. it's very hard to see myself ever being drug and alcohol free. almost like a joke. i'm shooting for more control over my stronger vices. if i could get to a point where if a line of dilaudid was in front of me at a party or something, i didn't HAVE to take it. i'd like to do away w/ shooting and never touch a needle again. i dont think thiss is too much to hope for.

    1b - this hit the spot...i actually cried when i first read this, but combined benzodiazapine and opiate withdrawal, my body is made entirely of glass, my bones of razor blades...i'll cry at a stomachache. i've detoxed multiple times on my own, but never in combination w/ benzo withdrawal - i am feeling like complete shit. this is impossible to hide - i've told my folks my psych told me to stop taking the perphenazine and that i might experience a shitty withdrawal, so i've at least got that covered. but i have definitely never in my life felt so horrible. vomiting, cold shivers, every bone feels like its going to split in two at any moment, a pulsing headache that i can keep time by...its an accomplishment to get out of bed and turn the computer on to post this - the screen is so bright it hurts my head and i keep nodding off im so tired. sleep does not exist in this state...

    part 2 regarding taking advantage of this situation and detoxing in a medical facility...i'm considering. i was unable to get through to speak to my psych today, to be 100% honest w/ him finally, but i was told i'd get a call tomorrow before noon. i am 75% convinced i'm going to allow whatever suggested medical detox center he recommends. this is only day 1 or 2, and i feel like absolute death. they can at least taper me off the benzos - i went totally cold turkey so far. i took about 50x my daily dose to attempt, and then didnt have any left for legitimate anxiety...they will be able to taper me slowly, and feel much better than now.

    i hope all this has made sense - i'm on another plane entirely, i can see and type but cannt comprehend what i've [it togetjer. i wanted to check in here to let folks know i'm fine for time being tho. its amazing how much some complete strangers on the internet care for you & even stranger that i feel compelled to let you folks know i am doing alright.

    my intention is to talk to my psych tomorrow am, and hopefully have red and white transportation to a better, safer hospital setting to detox. vomiting every 3 hours not eating, just bile and blood...this is not working.

    thank you for all the kind words and support all. i will get to PM's and such in time. this post alone took a lot out of me, interrupted by a trip to the to bathroom to vomit mostly blood...

    i truely feel like this is a turning point in my life - it's been almost a month since my first post, almost a month since i voluntarily commited myself. about a week since my 3 attempts. i still very much want to die,
    at this point i still have a method, the means & a date selected 12.20.09...but i am trying my best to find joy in living again & desire to continue.

    thank you all. not sure when i will next be able to check in, but thank ou
  16. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Yes Spaceman, there are people on here who hardly know you, but already care about you. Just so you know you can always come here and feel accepted and supported, especially with what you are about to put yourself through.

    Do keep telling us how you are doing, how it's all going, how you're feeling about it.

    You have my thoughts and best wishes to take with you! :hug:
  17. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    well today is the first time in a long, long time that i have been awake at 9am after a nights sleep. i woke up thinking i had a flight to catch. i was half dressed, brushing my teeth and packing a bag when my mom heard me about and brought me to reality...obviously i've no plane to catch, but the dream (?) was so real, i woke up and acted on it.
    opiate withdrawal so far seems cake compared to benzos. opiates just be ready to spend 75% of your waking moments on the toilet & vomiting, the rest in a cold sweat shivering in bed. give it a week to 2 and your good to go
    benzodiazapine withdrawal so far seems much more mental. no doubt there are ugly physical effects - uncontrollable muscle spasms and muscle soreness like your a walking bruised black banana...but the worst is what its making me feel like, what its doing to my mind. the delirium like the flight i had to catch this morning, i'm incredibly aggressive and snapping at the littlest things...i dont feel the least bit in control of my actions (well most anyways...im pretty sure i'm aware i'm typing right now...)
    and this is only beginning day two! i'm expecting a call from my psychiatrist within a few hours to discuss hospitalized detox...tho i can't say for certain that i would be able/willing to take him up on it depending on my choices.
    i'm pretty sure i can handle this on my own, as hellish as the next 2-3 weeks are going to be...but i know it would be worse if i had to experience this in certain hospitalized settings i.e. the hospital i spent a week this month as inpatient. i could not stand going back here yet alone going back there to detox.
    if he finds an actual rehab center that my insurrance will help cover, i'll most likely be off on my way this afternoon.
    still, much to consider one way or another.
    i am rambling really dont know what i've typed, but the scroll bar to the right keeps getting smaller and smaller so i better be quiet now.
    thank you all for yr support. i will post as i have the chance.
  18. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi spaceman,

    sorry for the delay in responding. i'm glad you got something good out of my post; i reread it and found it awfully harsh so i'm glad you didn't take it that way.. i meant well but sometimes i don't have any filters and sometimes i am totally paranoid.. ergh. and thanks very much for putting yourself through all that physical pain just to type out a response, it really means a lot!

    anyway: AWESOME. i hope that the fact that you haven't posted means that you are currently in treatment. either way would love an update to see how things are going for you.

    all the strength and good thoughts in the world sent in your midwesterly direction. hang in there.
  19. spaceman

    spaceman Member

    welll no things have not gone well
    dr (phone) visit remains return to inpatient (24/7, 2 week stay)
    unwilling/unable to help otherwise, only when he is being paid...
    and i am paying some 400 daily to be somewhere i don't want to be
    no, not returning to inpatient
    relapsed last night, i was wrong i can't detox on my own w/o benzos
    thank you everyone for support and kind messages
    i'm still alive but won't be posting anymore
    i've been maybe fine this whole time but was trying another life instead
    i got greedy! learn your place, then things move more smoothly
    will live till its time all natural, no reason for anything less goodbye
  20. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    wait, what? no, no no no wait don't go yet, shit, come back

    okay, so the doctor wants you in inpatient and you don't want to go.. but what about a rehab place? some betty ford type thing focused on kicking the addiction, it doesn't have to be that same psych ward, in fact i think getting off the opiates would solve at least a few of your psychological problems by treating their physical cause.. no?

    also, aren't the benzos your prescribed medication for a diagnosed condition? aka something you don't actually have to be without? i know why you don't have any but.. i dunno, Bad Drugs plus No More Good Drugs plus Withdrawal from Missing Good Drugs equals Unnecessary and Unhelpful Suffering, seems to me. if you were supervised in a rehab clinic i expect they would give you your benzos again - the point isn't to make you go cold turkey on absolutely everything and then see how crazy you end up..

    the last message confuses me. you mean you're not suicidal anymore? or you're giving up? sorry, i have to ask, because i'm dense. either way, anyone who tells you that your "place" is alone in your room watching your coffee cup change color deserves a kick in the mouth, you do not have to go through this and i really think the psych ward isn't your only option out.

    take it easy.
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