*I'm not sure where this should go, so I put it here...
I'm really not sure how to start (let alone write something like this) so bear with me.
I've never particularly had a firm understanding of life, up until not too long ago (About two or three years ago, that's kind of not long ago I think?) I never
really worried much about life, I had the oft thought of my future,
existentialism, skepticism, (As I'm sure most people do) but nothing real serious,
I would always just say to myself in my head, "It doesn't matter, it'll all work
out eventually." and back then I believed it, I basically kept my head out of the real world and into video games instead, it kept my mind off of everything. I've never really been a particularly normal person as far as I was aware, when I first got to secondary school (British equivalent to 6th Grade through High School) I would say/do random things to get a few laughs (I guess I wanted attention?), and for a while I thought maybe that's what I wanted to be when I got older, a comedian, someone to make the masses smile.
Time passes and I lose that ambition, I just become another student, I never had many friends, not something I particularly enjoy, but it was just how I was, too shy to speak to people unless spoken to, so much so that I'd sweat if I was put into a group of people in class or anything, I'd just stay quiet, school didn't mean much to me at the time, but as soon as I'd get home, I'd go straight to playing another game, I was always a big fan of game's where you could raise things, e.g. Pokemon/Monster Rancher/Chocobo's in FFVII, I assume it was some sort of way for me to create imaginary friends without neccesarily being imaginary. I never really felt lonely since I never really thought about it much at the time.Near a year passes and I make a few close friends, I was always really the follower kinda guy, I never made any real descisions for myself, when asked a question, 99% of the time, I'd just say yes, if a friend went to do something, usually I'd tag along, try to join in, or I'd stay home, play more games. Around this time I seriously questioned my own sexuality, probably because I've always thought I was ugly. Life went on for another year or so, kept to my games, so homework was rarely completed/turned in, schoolwork was okay though. Around these times I used to get bullied somewhat because of random stuff I did/said in the years prior. The only thought that occured to me was that I would like to kill them, nothing more, nothing less, but luckily I didn't (Since I was sane)
(I really don't remember much from when I was younger, but I've tried to explain in as much detail as I can remember...)
Anyways, Skip another year or two of just making it through school, I'm now 14 or so, and my thoughts become a lot simpler, I start to figure death as a solution to anything; eg World peace: kill everyone and you'll have no need for it, there will be no suffering. Hunger: Same logic. Anything else: the same logic made more sense than anything else in my life did. From this point on I started to question things (probably just paranoia I guess). Although I thought things like this, I never bothered to talk about it to anyone, I never really talked to anyone about any of my thoughts. Another year or so later, still play games, but at this point, even more so than before, life's become more dull, more school work. I've begun questioning life now, starting to believe that it's pointless, I have no reason to beleive otherwise, my future looks bleak, I'm already doing even worse in school than before, and my timidity is worse too. Around this time was when I started thinking about suicide.
Next year, something happens (don't remember what), I feel more liberated, for the first time I actually have a hobby beyond games, books! I read books ranging from the totalitarianist oppressions of The Party in 1984, through to the wonderfully happy but depressing story of P.S. I Love You. I now have a broader outlook on life, but I also begin my descent into depression, nothing made me happy anymore, I could fake happiness with ease, it only made me feel worse though, I still played games, but they were no longer as fun, they were really just to keep myself content by not thinking about life. The year ends, a friend has a party (To celebrate the end of mandatory school) I get drunk, throughout the next couple of months I got drunk more, but not just at parties, I'd also drink cup fulls of gin, whiskey, rum, (whatever we had in the house) even more often, it helped. Tried weed, it was amusing, but not appealling. Throughout this time I was at peace, I had no school, no work, no obligations, it was just more of nothing, I felt dead.
I stopped drinking, it lost it's appeal, school starts up again, I try to pick up my life, I even convince myself I've changed, that I've had an epiphone, but I was just in denial. School goes by, as the years passed I got quieter and quieter in school, this year was no exception, I now barely spoke to anyone outside of my close friends. Come exam time at the end of the year, some idiotic logic runs through my head that at the time made perfect sense, I decided to fail all of my subjects, after each exam I would tell myself I wouldn't do it again for the next exam, but I did, I can't for the life of me remember why...June rolls by, my parents tell me we're moving back to America come August, I get taken out of the last month or so of school, I'm basically alone for most of those months, and during this solitude I do nothing but think, I play games mindlessly (Doing the same thing over and over again) read some books, watch some movies over and over again as a guise for thinking, I spent 2 months thinking about everything, I can't even begin to recall a small amount of what I thought about. Come move time, we move, I've now lost my friends essentially, I can talk to them via the internet, but it doesn't quite feel the same, I now feel empty and alone, but this time, I actually wholly believe I am empty and alone, a month goes by and something happens, Im happy for a week or so, too happy, happy so much that I cried multiple times, I sang to strangers kind of happy, but then my only friend doubt comes along, he proposes the idea that maybe I'm just in denial, I beleive him, I start to think maybe I was never really happy, I had just been pretending to be, then I started to think (in a lame means to cheer myself up) that maybe I was never really depressed, maybe I only glorified the idea of depression in my head, and sought it out. I chose not to listen to it, and I tried to maintain what little happiness I believed I couldn't doubt, but I was just fooling myself. I tried self harm, cutting myself, hitting myself, self induced vomiting, although it was all intruiging at the time, none of it appeals as much as the thought of suicide, a faultless rest for eternity.
I've been thinking about suicde for years now, I can't remember why I started, but as time passed, I thought more and more about it.
I hate myself and I hate the way I think, and I feel incredibly alone and confused. There was so much more I would've loved to put in that, that I cannot remember for whatever reason, so much more I'd love to say, that I cannot express for whatever reason. I would love to learn another language, move to another country, meet more people, do so many things, but I've lost all hope. I don't believe in myself anymore. I don't have the motivation to pursue anything, however much I would love to have it.
As much as I may think about things like this, I hate it, I want to kill myself, and just rest forever, but at the same time I don't want to, I want to pursue life. I've been getting incredibly stressed just thinking about it, I want to shout, and break things, but at the same time I don't want to. I want ot be alone forever but I also want to make friends, I want people to talk to. It's incredibly frustrating.
Please, any and all comments are welcome, and I apoligise and thank you for the amount of time it may have taken for you to read this post, and the fact that it may not make sense at points (I wrote this over the course of the last few weeks or so, and I forget what it was I was writing about prior as well as mood changes).
I'm really not sure how to start (let alone write something like this) so bear with me.
I've never particularly had a firm understanding of life, up until not too long ago (About two or three years ago, that's kind of not long ago I think?) I never
really worried much about life, I had the oft thought of my future,
existentialism, skepticism, (As I'm sure most people do) but nothing real serious,
I would always just say to myself in my head, "It doesn't matter, it'll all work
out eventually." and back then I believed it, I basically kept my head out of the real world and into video games instead, it kept my mind off of everything. I've never really been a particularly normal person as far as I was aware, when I first got to secondary school (British equivalent to 6th Grade through High School) I would say/do random things to get a few laughs (I guess I wanted attention?), and for a while I thought maybe that's what I wanted to be when I got older, a comedian, someone to make the masses smile.
Time passes and I lose that ambition, I just become another student, I never had many friends, not something I particularly enjoy, but it was just how I was, too shy to speak to people unless spoken to, so much so that I'd sweat if I was put into a group of people in class or anything, I'd just stay quiet, school didn't mean much to me at the time, but as soon as I'd get home, I'd go straight to playing another game, I was always a big fan of game's where you could raise things, e.g. Pokemon/Monster Rancher/Chocobo's in FFVII, I assume it was some sort of way for me to create imaginary friends without neccesarily being imaginary. I never really felt lonely since I never really thought about it much at the time.Near a year passes and I make a few close friends, I was always really the follower kinda guy, I never made any real descisions for myself, when asked a question, 99% of the time, I'd just say yes, if a friend went to do something, usually I'd tag along, try to join in, or I'd stay home, play more games. Around this time I seriously questioned my own sexuality, probably because I've always thought I was ugly. Life went on for another year or so, kept to my games, so homework was rarely completed/turned in, schoolwork was okay though. Around these times I used to get bullied somewhat because of random stuff I did/said in the years prior. The only thought that occured to me was that I would like to kill them, nothing more, nothing less, but luckily I didn't (Since I was sane)
(I really don't remember much from when I was younger, but I've tried to explain in as much detail as I can remember...)
Anyways, Skip another year or two of just making it through school, I'm now 14 or so, and my thoughts become a lot simpler, I start to figure death as a solution to anything; eg World peace: kill everyone and you'll have no need for it, there will be no suffering. Hunger: Same logic. Anything else: the same logic made more sense than anything else in my life did. From this point on I started to question things (probably just paranoia I guess). Although I thought things like this, I never bothered to talk about it to anyone, I never really talked to anyone about any of my thoughts. Another year or so later, still play games, but at this point, even more so than before, life's become more dull, more school work. I've begun questioning life now, starting to believe that it's pointless, I have no reason to beleive otherwise, my future looks bleak, I'm already doing even worse in school than before, and my timidity is worse too. Around this time was when I started thinking about suicide.
Next year, something happens (don't remember what), I feel more liberated, for the first time I actually have a hobby beyond games, books! I read books ranging from the totalitarianist oppressions of The Party in 1984, through to the wonderfully happy but depressing story of P.S. I Love You. I now have a broader outlook on life, but I also begin my descent into depression, nothing made me happy anymore, I could fake happiness with ease, it only made me feel worse though, I still played games, but they were no longer as fun, they were really just to keep myself content by not thinking about life. The year ends, a friend has a party (To celebrate the end of mandatory school) I get drunk, throughout the next couple of months I got drunk more, but not just at parties, I'd also drink cup fulls of gin, whiskey, rum, (whatever we had in the house) even more often, it helped. Tried weed, it was amusing, but not appealling. Throughout this time I was at peace, I had no school, no work, no obligations, it was just more of nothing, I felt dead.
I stopped drinking, it lost it's appeal, school starts up again, I try to pick up my life, I even convince myself I've changed, that I've had an epiphone, but I was just in denial. School goes by, as the years passed I got quieter and quieter in school, this year was no exception, I now barely spoke to anyone outside of my close friends. Come exam time at the end of the year, some idiotic logic runs through my head that at the time made perfect sense, I decided to fail all of my subjects, after each exam I would tell myself I wouldn't do it again for the next exam, but I did, I can't for the life of me remember why...June rolls by, my parents tell me we're moving back to America come August, I get taken out of the last month or so of school, I'm basically alone for most of those months, and during this solitude I do nothing but think, I play games mindlessly (Doing the same thing over and over again) read some books, watch some movies over and over again as a guise for thinking, I spent 2 months thinking about everything, I can't even begin to recall a small amount of what I thought about. Come move time, we move, I've now lost my friends essentially, I can talk to them via the internet, but it doesn't quite feel the same, I now feel empty and alone, but this time, I actually wholly believe I am empty and alone, a month goes by and something happens, Im happy for a week or so, too happy, happy so much that I cried multiple times, I sang to strangers kind of happy, but then my only friend doubt comes along, he proposes the idea that maybe I'm just in denial, I beleive him, I start to think maybe I was never really happy, I had just been pretending to be, then I started to think (in a lame means to cheer myself up) that maybe I was never really depressed, maybe I only glorified the idea of depression in my head, and sought it out. I chose not to listen to it, and I tried to maintain what little happiness I believed I couldn't doubt, but I was just fooling myself. I tried self harm, cutting myself, hitting myself, self induced vomiting, although it was all intruiging at the time, none of it appeals as much as the thought of suicide, a faultless rest for eternity.
I've been thinking about suicde for years now, I can't remember why I started, but as time passed, I thought more and more about it.
I hate myself and I hate the way I think, and I feel incredibly alone and confused. There was so much more I would've loved to put in that, that I cannot remember for whatever reason, so much more I'd love to say, that I cannot express for whatever reason. I would love to learn another language, move to another country, meet more people, do so many things, but I've lost all hope. I don't believe in myself anymore. I don't have the motivation to pursue anything, however much I would love to have it.
As much as I may think about things like this, I hate it, I want to kill myself, and just rest forever, but at the same time I don't want to, I want to pursue life. I've been getting incredibly stressed just thinking about it, I want to shout, and break things, but at the same time I don't want to. I want ot be alone forever but I also want to make friends, I want people to talk to. It's incredibly frustrating.
Please, any and all comments are welcome, and I apoligise and thank you for the amount of time it may have taken for you to read this post, and the fact that it may not make sense at points (I wrote this over the course of the last few weeks or so, and I forget what it was I was writing about prior as well as mood changes).
