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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Freya, Oct 18, 2011.

  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    You wouldn't think it would be so hard to explain. When I sit across from the doctor, the way I did this morning, I find myself talking about the physical effects: the way it makes me shake uncontrollably; the crying I can't stop even if by chance someone happens to make me laugh along the way; the struggle to breathe and the pain in my chest that makes me want to curl up in a corner and rock until it abates. And she nods and she looks sympathetic and I know that she has no real frame of reference, that there is no way that she can understand that the physical reactions are not the problem - that the physical effects are tolerable.
    What I want to be able to tell her is that it feels like winter. That inside of me there is this vast, barren wasteland of ice so cold that it can burn suddenly and unexpectedly. I want to explain to her that the place inside my head is a dead, frozen landscape where the horizon is obscured by towering skyscrapers of ice and that every alleyway, every dark narrow street, is blocked by frozen figures, crouching like macarbe statues - echoes of the person I used to be, guarding the way forward like malevolent sentinels.
    I want to explain that a lot of the time, the cold in itself is enough to numb me, enough to freeze the tears in their tracks, but when it isn't - when the incessant howling wind that slices through every defence I have gets too much - I would do literally anything to be warm again.
    How can I explain to someone whose seasons ebb and flow, who knows that even in the deepest snow, sunshine will come again, that I spend my waking moments nurturing a single flickering flame of warmth and praying that someday I will make it to spring?
  2. Archon

    Archon Well-Known Member

    With those words.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow hun you describe so well what others have felt and understand How do you tell her you print off what you just wrote here and you had this to her.
    She will understand then please print this off and hand it to her okay hugs
  4. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Dear F,

    Your writing is incredible. The way you describe just how you're feeling.. literally takes my breath away. I can't say I know how you're feeling, I don't, I never could.. but I know what it's like to feel like every minute is a struggle. You are an awesome person, and I love you dearly. I know you're struggling right now, and I wish I could do more to help you, to give you the support you've given me, to give you the support you DESERVE. All I can do is be here for you. Please consider following TE's advice and printing off this though.. I'd be dumbfounded if people couldn't gain anything from this, and be a step closer to knowing the pain you are in.

    I love you LOADS
    Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    that you're able to talk to the doctor at all puts you miles ahead of me - my psyche locks down like i'm at defcon 1

    sounds like you told half of the picture so you're part way there

    maybe you don't have to say the words in person right away - think about printing out what you wrote here - cut and paste it into notepad or wordpad or something - and just ask them to read it

    you have the words - we just have to find the right way for you to share them