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indifference; it's getting too much

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Chia, Feb 1, 2016.

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  1. Chia

    Chia Member

    Hey, I'm Chia. 22 years old, female. The day I first thought about taking my life is almost ten years ago, and in the meantime I went through highs and lows but lately I haven't been feeling myself at all and I think I'm running out of options and out of reasons to stay alive.
    My childhood has been pretty okay, so I have no idea why I became such a messed up teenager and an even worse adult. Ever since I've been feeling indifferent towards more or less everything, I find it hard to express myself, but I will try, hoping that someone could relate to what I'm going through and can offer me some advice. Currently, my worst problem are probably my studies. After graduating from school, I started doing an apprenticeship to become a vet's assistant. Friends and family expected me to go to university and were disappointed, but that veterinary clinic had been sort of a safe haven to me. Years before the apprenticeship, I started volunteering there and loved it - taking care of animals, taking on responsibility, being around people who appreciate me and my work. Well. Things went different when I was no longer a volunteer, but an employee. I realised that I had been seeing the world through heart-shaped glasses once again. They made me work overtime almost every day (each time two hours or more) and treated me like an idiot. After a while, my mother talked me into quitting the job, since I wasn't feeling well and since what they were doing with me (forcing me to work so much) was actually illegal. After that, I decided to go to university to become an elementary school teacher. First it went quite well, but then several docents told me that I was unfit for the job, since I am introverted, can't talk loudly enough and try to avoid conflicts. I was very discouraged and started studying Biology instead, but I doubt I'll be able to pass the exams. Somehow university and me doesn't work out and after all these failures, I feel embarrassed for being such a loser.
    My relatives think I'm lazy and keep telling me "you have to work hard if you want to be successful in life" and comparing me to their daughters. Yeah. I feel like a total loser.

    I suppose this isn't really about jobs and studies, but when I was a kid, the only thing I ever succeed in was school. I always had the best marks and thus people expected me to become someone.
    But I'm no one. I feel like a ghost, especially since I started feeling indifferent.
    There's nothing in my life I truly care about, apart from my dogs. I love them and I would not want to leave them because I doubt that my mother would take good enough care of them.

    I have a boyfriend and he's a great and loving person, but I wish I could break up with him before he notices that I'm not as good as he expected me to be. Disappointing myself is one thing.. but disappointing the one I love hurts much more. Apart from him, I don't have any close friends. It's not that I hate people, but I find it very hard to keep in contact with people. Lately it has gotten really hard to keep in touch with my boyfriend, too. I never feel like messaging him (we're in a long distance relationship) and I think I ran out of things to talk about, and somehow I don't feel close to him anymore. I don't feel close to anyone or anything, it's like I've built a large wall around me and nothing can get in and I'm alone and helpless, and I hate myself so much.
    Every hope is shattered against those walls.

    I honestly thought life would get easier after middle school. After high school. But it only got worse and I can't imagine what I could do to change things for the better. I can't sleep much anymore, I'm sitting in a pile of papers because the next exam is coming up and I feel so terrified. I'm aware that my problems seem so petty, compared to other people's, but I feel terrible. I'm swinging between feeling pain and feeling nothing at all - and above all, I can hardly recognise myself. During the highs, I was such a cheerful and optimistic person, and it was sincere happiness I felt. There's so much in my life to be grateful for, but it seems so distant now...
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Chia and may I welcome you to SF :)

    You have come to the right place to discuss your worries and fears. You are definitely not a loser, not even close. Your studying now, focus on that and give it your all. The vet's clinic was treating you unfairly and badly so you were right to leave it. Best of luck with your next exam hun.

    Have you ever met your long distance relationship boyfriend? You love him and maybe he is for you, give it more of a chance and see what happens next. Long distance relationships are very hard on the heart and can leave us thinking all sorts of things, wondering the ifs and buts but remain positive, he could very well be the one for you, give it another shot :)

    You seem like a nice sweet, genuine caring person. I hope you will benefit from talking here as it can help a lot. Best of luck to you and again, a warm welcome!
  3. gregoryhouse

    gregoryhouse SF Supporter

    bummer :/ despite all the things happen you end up here. little part of you think there is a solution, so you dont have any mental disorder :) nowadays most of the problem caused by loss of empathy and lack of social contact i think. (excuse me for my english by the way its not my first language) telling someone to do something is easy, but being supportive is hard. all these people here trying to do hard part of the job. belive me we all have problems but we are trying to solve them here. people are judmental you are right if you tell a word they try to find subtitle for it. talking anonymously is perfect way to deal with it. im here with the same reason you are. but when i read your story i forgot my problems i dont know why :) please keep writing and i can keep reading. be safe.
  4. Chia

    Chia Member

    Thank you, dear Petal and dear gregoryhouse, for your kind replies and the kind wishes.
    I do feel like a loser. I didn't even manage to pass my driving test although I tried twice. It's so frustrating, it seems as if I can't get anything right and I don't want to walk through life as a failure, as the person my family feels ashamed of. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. Well, I would like to do something I find meaning in, because meaning might be the only thing that could convince me to stay around for a longer while. Due to my incapability to succeed and to do anything useful, I'm always taking and never giving. I'm more a burden than anything else and honestly, I hate myself for that.
    I did meet my boyfriend twice, each time I stayed with him for two weeks since he lives more than an eleven hour plane ride away. We had an amazing time together, but he's only seen me at my best and he still has no idea how badly I fail at everyday life. During those days when I visited him, we were close and without exaggerating, he's the first person in my life I ever truly connected with. And there's so much sincere kindness in him, brightness and something that feels like magic. He deserves the best, but I'm as far from the best as it gets.
    Somehow I think my life would be quite a wonderful one if only one thing would be replaced: me. I'm trying so hard to change, but I don't even know where and how to start. These days it's getting worse, everything feels grey and distant. I can't paint anymore, I can't write stories anymore, I don't enjoy reading anymore. It all seems so insignificant.
    Even if I pass those exams, which is unlikely, my family might feel a little less ashamed of me, but one less reason to feel bad doesn't make my life any more bearable. Over the past years I lost so much of who I am and there isn't much left.

    Anyway - I appreciate every kind of support, and gregoryhouse, I think I know what you mean.
  5. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    Dear Chia,
    You are not a failure. You've decided to quit things that were not suitable for you twice. The vet clinic and the elementary school teacher were not good for you, and you were brave enough to change your path rather than being stuck to something when you know it's not the best for you. Many people including me don't have the braveness and just continue with what they've started even if it makes them unhappy. So, give some credit to yourself for changing your path, ok?:)

    About your family, I can understand the pressure, but don't focus on it for now. Because if you focus on satisfying yourself rather than your family, your sense of satisfaction will have positive impacts on the way you see your life and the way your family does in turn.

    Wish you best of luck with your boyfriend.
  6. gregoryhouse

    gregoryhouse SF Supporter

    I dont know where to start. First of all thank you for clear explanation for your problems. Failing and loosing are two different things. Failing something doesnt make you loser, giving up does. Failing makes u failure-er and you cant imagine how many times i fail. Let me tell you my story it may give you some distraction. I was always a "failure" since my first grade, i coulndt get any good grade since. Somehow i have graduated from highschool (dont ask how :)) ) with gpa of 2,00 out of 5,00 which was the limit. Than i fail in university exams i always want to be an engineer. Anyway i found an American college in europe and i went there. It was about economics and i hate economics. After 2 years of pain i decided to try again because that pain made me a bit stronger. Finally i got in university in my country. But it was paid and my family had to pay and i felt in extreme pressure. Result of that pressure i got epilepsy in second year of my school. Did it stop me? Of course not. I keep studying because i had obligation. Than i graduate as an engineer with 2,00 gpa :) as usual :p if you know epilepsy is a seizure disiese. You are having seizure without warning and working in construction site was like suicide :O did it stop me? Of course not. I became a perfect engineer now. Now im not having seizures but when i was having i purpose to my girlfriend she said yes but because of damn seizure i wasnt thinking clear and i broke up with her ( she still doesnt understand why) and thanks to the seizures i was having all the time when we were sleeping together, we fall apart 2 years ago after 11 (ELEVEN) years of relationship. Than i got fired last week. Did it stop me? No ofcourse :) i applied for flight school but they said i have to be drug free :/ than i went to my doctor and he said there is 2 years to be drug free. Being pilot was the my childhood dream. Im 28 now and yesterday i found that age limit is 30 for being pilot :eek: you cant imagine how i felt but it didnt stop me either. When i was thinking bad solutions i thougt there must be another solution and i found myself here. thanks to that cute girl i met here yesterday i had a dream after 4 years. this morning i felt stronger than yesterday and do you know what i did? i went to this fancy cafe which is selling a cup of coffee for 5 bucks and i had a coffee with my last 10 bucks. i dont know how i will get throug this month but i dont care anymore. because if i do something to my self universe dont,wont,doesnt,never care and will keep revolving but something bad happen to me it will be constant and endless pain in my parents asses. ahhh girl i would like to be there and punch you in the face to teach you punch back. Im so sorry if i bored you and excuse me for my english it terrible i know but as a conclusion; there is always more than one solution for a problem, there is always some people who cares about you. i would like to write something about your relationship but i think i will get kicked out because of writing this long :) answer me if you are hearing than we can talk deeper :) take care and be around please dont leave us i would like to hear from you :)
  7. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Hi Chia, it was nice to read your posts, just to see that there are other people with the same problems. Maybe it can help you to hear from others here too. I also feel like a failure most of the time. I have real difficulties finding any friends... actually I don't think I have any real friends. Im too shy and it makes it very difficult for me to cope at work as well as Im too stressed to do any networking and I feel very excluded... So, similarly to you, I feel like Im my own worst enemy. Well... on a more positive note ... I think it's great that you had the guts to leave work/studies you didn't like. And I also think that it is very positive you have a boyfriend, even though it's a long-distance relationship which is difficult. But I think you can have more hope in this relationship... How do you know your boyfriend wouldn't like you if he knew you better? With your weaknesses? He surely has weaknesses too and maybe also just wants to be accepted with all of them... I made the mistake of damaging a relationship with a guy who loved me because I was afraid, too, that he would leave me because I was so imperfect. So it is not necessary for you to do the same unless there are real reasons... Hope all gets better for you...
  8. Chia

    Chia Member

    Thank you for these messages. Yes, reading about other people's struggles and especially their ways of dealing with them sort of helps. It makes me feel less... lonely, somehow.
    The discrepancy between who my family wants me to be and who I am is just too big. I wish I could just end it, but I have dogs, my dear, wonderful, beloved dogs. If it wasn't for them, I'd already be gone. A dead kid would be less embarrassing for my family than an unsuccessful one. I know, it sounds exaggerated, but my mother told me multiple times that she regrets giving birth to me and that having me as her kid must be some kind of punishment. Not kidding.
    It's impossible for me not to focus on what they want from me - and honestly, I can't think of a way to satisfy myself. I don't even know what I want anymore... mostly, just peace. Peace of mind and peace around me.
    With my boyfriend, well. I actually consider breaking up with him. I think it might be easier to continue with one less person to judge me (he'd never criticise me, but I know he notices stuff, like me being 22 and not even close to graduating, while he's 19 and about to graduate next month). And well, if everything fails and I see no other option than taking my life, it will hurt him less. Maybe he won't even find out then.
    Somehow I don't feel close to him anymore anyway, it's gotten hard to chat with him because we don't have much in common anymore, I'm afraid.
    This summer he plans on visiting me, but I'm not sure I want him to....
  9. Chia

    Chia Member

    Oh, and there's something I'd like to add. I'm not quite sure if I can trust myself. Maybe I really think that breaking up with him would make things easier for both him and me, or maybe I'm just getting rid of responsibilities so that I don't have any reasons to stay alive. Just so that, well, I can end my life without feeling too bad about it.
    I'm aware that most of the time, I'm seeing things not the way they really are, but through layers of fog. The phases when I feel indifferent tend to get longer these days, but occasionally I experience extreme emotions, too. It's really hard to figure out the truth. I often lie awake all night trying to do so...
  10. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Hey, the problem of indifference and especially this kind of fog seems very familiar to me. I can understand it's difficult to take any steps when one doesn't really know what one's feelings are etc. It's so annoying... There were times in my life when I more or less knew what I wanted and I feel so lost now, without any motivation. I guess this happens when you lose some sort of drivers in life. For me it was the vision of building a relationship and then a family... which is now basically gone and while I also lost all friends and respect at work there's nothing meaningful to do in my life anymore... everything I do seems stupid and in vain... Yes, it's hard to tell whether your indifference towards your boyfriend is real as you say or just some sort of defence mechanism or something. I have this similar so I can't give you any opinion though I wish I could. I don't know why these things happen and why it's so difficult to get better, it should be easier. And the worst thing is no one will help. Well psychologists can help a bit but only to a limited degree. I know I was worse off in the past and then I got better so it is possible, but the older I am the more difficult it seems. I would say that at 22 you still have a big possibility of experiencing love, which can really transform one's life... Hard to say whether with your current boyfriend, maybe the distance is really a problem there. You can have a lot of hope for some change for the better while you're young. After 30, which is where I am, it suddenly seems almost impossible, especially for a girl.
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