Inevitable Return

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ronnoc3, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. Ronnoc3

    Ronnoc3 Active Member

    I joined this forum about 6 years ago now, when I was around 13 I started to suffer from depression. I have had bouts of it on and off ever since, some worst than others. After years of it, I managed to find ways to cope, keeping myself busy during the worse bouts until they eventually passed.

    But looking back on it, the feelings I had, although they were effecting me in a more obvious way; lack of appetite, cutting, insomnia, crying ect, compared to what I have been feeling recently it seems like nothing.

    I think the thing is that before, I got very depressed a lot, but also very happy, there were so many things I enjoyed that although I was depressed, it wasn't every minute of every day.

    I'm 19 now and it must have been maybe 4 years since I last posted here, but I really don't know where else to vent so eventually I found my way back here.

    The problem I have now is not that i suffer from these serious, depressive episodes like i used to, now i'm just miserable, all the time.
    A good metaphor for it would be that what I used to feel was like being stabbed, it was stupidly painful and could come on suddenly, but did slowly heal. What I feel now is more like an infection, like a tooth ache or something, while it may not be technically as painful as being stabbed, it is constant, on a much deeper level and instead of recovering a little each day, it feels worse.

    I guess it started about 3 years ago really, I found that when left on my own I would start to feel isolated and empty. However it wasn't the end of the line for me, I tackled it the same way I did before, tried to keep myself busy with the things I enjoyed.
    But as time went on, that became harder. Slowly but surely I have begun to lose interest in the things that kept me going.
    All the things that I enjoyed, my hobbies, friends, family, parties, sex, drugs, music, slowly began to do less and less for me.
    I kept at it tho, kept trying to have fun in the ways I used to, but day by day I could feel the enjoyment I get from it slipping away.

    I'm now at the stage where I am miserable all the time, and worse, I don't enjoy anything to take my mind off it. Literally nothing, I hang out with my friends and feel nothing, I see my little brother having fun, it puts no smile on my face. Even in my band, playing gigs, writing songs, rehearsing, it does nothing to me.
    Everything is just so dull, and no matter how hard I try to enjoy stuff, I just don't.

    When it first got too this stage I continued doing the things I used to love, even tho I no longer enjoyed them, because i hoped one day again I would.
    But after the last 2 years, which have seemed longer than my entire life up to this point, i'm beginning to lose hope.

    I can't even see what happiness is anymore. Why do people enjoy hanging out with friends? I don't get it, its dull. Hobbies? Dull, boring. Parties? May as well drink at home. Its the same with everything, no matter how hard i look I can't find anything that I can even see why people enjoy.

    Also, the fact that I don't enjoy anything shows, people don't want to hang around with someone who they know wont enjoy their company, wont invite someone out to a party if they hate parties, or invite you to the cinema when you don't even enjoy movies anymore.

    As everything has become dull and unexciting, my brain has been unable to keep itself amused with anything long enough to distract myself from my thoughts. So its a cycle, as I become more miserable things seem more and more dull which makes me more miserable.

    I honestly don't know what to do now, how am I meant to keep living when nothing interests me and the only thing that even feels real anymore is the misery inside me.
    I feel like a mouse in a maze, and no matter how hard I look I can't find the way out. And with every passing day that I'm stuck here, the chances of finding an exit seem smaller and smaller.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi just read your post i don't know if you are on meds if so get them changed okay in time our body get use to the meds and it needs to be upped or changed to a new one. If you are not on meds ask gp about getting on something okay so you can start to feel better hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Welcome back, although I wish it were under better circumstances...and so sorry things have gotten so bad...have you spoken to a therapist or your MD about how things have progressed? Maybe this might be helpful...please continue to post and tell us what is going on...and of course, my PM box is open anytime you need to vent/rant/reach out...big hugs and welcome back again, J
  4. Ronnoc3

    Ronnoc3 Active Member

    Thank you for the warm welcome back. In answer to your questions, I have recently been trying to get back to seeing a therapist and councilor, but its taking time, since last time I went for help I was under 18 I now have to go through the whole process again as an adult.
    I'm not on any meds at the moment, my doctor is reluctant to give them to me because I'm still young and have had a history of trying to use drugs to escape my problems.