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Inevitable

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#1
I don't know anymore. I'm 23 and for the most part of my life I've been a loner. I preferred it that way though. I've was diagnosed with MDD for about 6 years now but I suspected having it for 2 years prior to that. I had a very limited friend group but recently I've had the addition of 3 amazing woman. Who I feel that even knowing them for 2 months now, it feels they have been there for years. They make me so positive but... Through this, I'm still severely depressed. I want to die so badly to be honest. Things are the best they have ever been for me but still I want to die. I just have no energy or motivation to live life. Even though these 3 women are amazing people, I just can't help but want to disappear. One of them even told me she loved me and all I could think is "How??", "Why?", "That is a mistake!". I'm not like the stereotypical bedridden depressed person. I'm undeniably myself and I have fun in the moment. I think this is what she fell in love with. I just know it cant be a thing because one day I probably will just find the courage.
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#3
Hey 👋 there! ;)
Sorry no one ☝️ saw or responded to your post... :( things can move pretty quickly around here - & so sometimes, things (like this) can get missed—
Any way: I think that it is great for you to be recognizing and sharing on here your pain you are currently going through. You said you’ve been diagnosed with major depression, and can I ask, are you seeing a psychiatrist? Or at least being medicated?
What you’re describing experiencing is something that I find quite common at or around this age. In fact, I’d even experienced it myself. Though I was too foolish, or too stubborn to go & try & get diagnosed, and helped until a handful of years later. . .
While the pills are not necessarily a cure all, or effective for every body, they can and do help alleviate some of the symptoms. Or bring them to a place of more manageable levels. There are people who are very highly successful in life, that you would never know are on psychiatric drugs, and it’s a part of the recipe, or formula for them to keep pace with this type of life (helps to keep them, “balanced!”). :)
Also talk therapy has been known to be a real difference maker for some. It can be a huge benefit to release your self of some of the stress & distress—that is overly complicating your life. Especially when it isn’t wonderful for others in your life to hear of this. . . In some cases, at all. And in others, there is a shelf life to how much of this they are willing to absorb (especially when it is of the “repetitive” nature, or variety). . .
But, so! Just want you to know —there is help, and hope. Keep in touch with, and keep talking to your new friends. And try not to worry on down the line too much about what may, or may not be possible (in terms of future romance). Because you just never know what’s going to happen. Life is unpredictable; & rarely, if ever goes according to plan!
Nice to meet you, then— :)
Mrb 👌✌️☺️
 

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#4
Hey 👋 there! ;)
Sorry no one ☝️ saw or responded to your post... :( things can move pretty quickly around here - & so sometimes, things (like this) can get missed—
Any way: I think that it is great for you to be recognizing and sharing on here your pain you are currently going through. You said you’ve been diagnosed with major depression, and can I ask, are you seeing a psychiatrist? Or at least being medicated?
What you’re describing experiencing is something that I find quite common at or around this age. In fact, I’d even experienced it myself. Though I was too foolish, or too stubborn to go & try & get diagnosed, and helped until a handful of years later. . .
While the pills are not necessarily a cure all, or effective for every body, they can and do help alleviate some of the symptoms. Or bring them to a place of more manageable levels. There are people who are very highly successful in life, that you would never know are on psychiatric drugs, and it’s a part of the recipe, or formula for them to keep pace with this type of life (helps to keep them, “balanced!”). :)
Also talk therapy has been known to be a real difference maker for some. It can be a huge benefit to release your self of some of the stress & distress—that is overly complicating your life. Especially when it isn’t wonderful for others in your life to hear of this. . . In some cases, at all. And in others, there is a shelf life to how much of this they are willing to absorb (especially when it is of the “repetitive” nature, or variety). . .
But, so! Just want you to know —there is help, and hope. Keep in touch with, and keep talking to your new friends. And try not to worry on down the line too much about what may, or may not be possible (in terms of future romance). Because you just never know what’s going to happen. Life is unpredictable; & rarely, if ever goes according to plan!
Nice to meet you, then— :)
Mrb 👌✌️☺️
OK so I was just caught off gaurd because my posts never had no replies ever 🤣 but anyways, yes I am on medication. I've been on them for 3 years. First 2 years was prozacs at 60mg I think. Then I wasn't feeling better and was moved to venlafaxine at 225mg progressively for both ofc. I have been seeing therapists for the duration of the prozacs and moved to a psychologist for the duration of venlafaxine. I have terminated it for the remainder of the year though because funding was an issue. I agree that life is unpredictable but in contrast, these thoughts have remained constant during all my efforts to hide them away. Thank you for responding, appreciate it 😊
 
#5
Depression is such a weird disease. In the middle of a happy "gathering" I can be sitting there thinking "I want to die". I think it is a really positive sign that you have some good friends. I don't have any big revelations for you, I'm sorry. I have fought this disease for over 40 years. There are some times that are a little better and times when it is a lot worse. Keep fighting, don't let this thing beat you.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#6
The nickname for your type of depression is "Smiling Depression" That's what I do too. I'm so good at it that back at university, when those in the know were 1 step from putting me on suicide watch, when I told my housemates I had been diagnosed with depression they just looked confused and said "But you're not depressed..."
If you really are like me, then I think you need CBT more than plain talking therapies, and those women are a godsend, they are exactly what you need to help you, you just need something more on top.
With depression your own thought patterns and attitudes can feed the depression, but the depression re-enforces those thought patterns and attitudes, its a vicious downward cycle, CBT is designed to help you forcibly change your thought patterns, to train you out of patterns which can be harmful, this could help you.

If you cant afford CBT then you can look it up and try to do it yourself, it is quite simple, the main reason you need someone to help you is to help with motivation and identify which thought patterns to change. I never had CBT, I just sort of made it up as I went along, but when I explained what I was doing to a counsellor, she just said "That's CBT".
 

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#7
The nickname for your type of depression is "Smiling Depression" That's what I do too. I'm so good at it that back at university, when those in the know were 1 step from putting me on suicide watch, when I told my housemates I had been diagnosed with depression they just looked confused and said "But you're not depressed..."
If you really are like me, then I think you need CBT more than plain talking therapies, and those women are a godsend, they are exactly what you need to help you, you just need something more on top.
With depression your own thought patterns and attitudes can feed the depression, but the depression re-enforces those thought patterns and attitudes, its a vicious downward cycle, CBT is designed to help you forcibly change your thought patterns, to train you out of patterns which can be harmful, this could help you.

If you cant afford CBT then you can look it up and try to do it yourself, it is quite simple, the main reason you need someone to help you is to help with motivation and identify which thought patterns to change. I never had CBT, I just sort of made it up as I went along, but when I explained what I was doing to a counsellor, she just said "That's CBT".
Can you expand the abbreviation so I can look into it? 🤣 I'm curious, I was thinking much of the same things mentioned above where the thought patterns are concerned so I am willing to give it a try
 

johnDoen

Well-Known Member
#8
Can you expand the abbreviation so I can look into it? 🤣 I'm curious, I was thinking much of the same things mentioned above where the thought patterns are concerned so I am willing to give it a try
I think "Smiling Depression" means High-Functioning Depression. It means you are capable of working, studying, socializing normally with others but deep down, you desperately have no will to live, or how I call it "to keep a mask on".

CBT means Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It's a treatment option for mental health condition(s) as how Dante explained.

Well, I'm not a mental health professional so that's the best I've got. I'm just a cat.
 

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#9
I think "Smiling Depression" means High-Functioning Depression. It means you are capable of working, studying, socializing normally with others but deep down, you desperately have no will to live, or how I call it "to keep a mask on".

CBT means Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It's a treatment option for mental health condition(s) as how Dante explained.

Well, I'm not a mental health professional so that's the best I've got. I'm just a cat.
Well in most aspects I am higher functioning. Studying is the problem, I have no will whatsoever.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Supporter
#10
I think "Smiling Depression" means High-Functioning Depression. It means you are capable of working, studying, socializing normally with others but deep down, you desperately have no will to live, or how I call it "to keep a mask on".

CBT means Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It's a treatment option for mental health condition(s) as how Dante explained.

Well, I'm not a mental health professional so that's the best I've got. I'm just a cat.
Smiling depression isn't just high functioning but also intentionally hiding your depression. Apparently its a more high risk version as you are high functioning enough to plan and carry out any suicide plans and low-key enough that no one knows until its too late.

Yup, that's CBT, my sister had it for a while, im not sure if its always the same, but they set goals for you, things to think about and ways to act which directly contradict how you normally function, designed to force you to go against the flow of what would be considered unhealthy thinking or behaviour. According to my sister it is draining and difficult, and from trying my version I can completely agree, but it is also the main thing that helps me hold off depression when I can, identifying unhealthy patterns of thought and deliberately refusing to think that way.

Well in most aspects I am higher functioning. Studying is the problem, I have no will whatsoever.
Be careful with that, I ended up completely ignoring some coursework, not even starting it, just letting the deadline pass by because I didnt have the will to try, it REALLY hurt my final grade.
 

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#11
Smiling depression isn't just high functioning but also intentionally hiding your depression. Apparently its a more high risk version as you are high functioning enough to plan and carry out any suicide plans and low-key enough that no one knows until its too late.

Yup, that's CBT, my sister had it for a while, im not sure if its always the same, but they set goals for you, things to think about and ways to act which directly contradict how you normally function, designed to force you to go against the flow of what would be considered unhealthy thinking or behaviour. According to my sister it is draining and difficult, and from trying my version I can completely agree, but it is also the main thing that helps me hold off depression when I can, identifying unhealthy patterns of thought and deliberately refusing to think that way.


Be careful with that, I ended up completely ignoring some coursework, not even starting it, just letting the deadline pass by because I didnt have the will to try, it REALLY hurt my final grade.
Well I haven't bothered starting to study because I know I just wouldn't get myself to. I can't even get myself to learn how to drive a car *rant
 

Anonymous ID

Well-Known Member
#12
I don't know anymore. I'm 23 and for the most part of my life I've been a loner. I preferred it that way though. I've was diagnosed with MDD for about 6 years now but I suspected having it for 2 years prior to that. I had a very limited friend group but recently I've had the addition of 3 amazing woman. Who I feel that even knowing them for 2 months now, it feels they have been there for years. They make me so positive but... Through this, I'm still severely depressed. I want to die so badly to be honest. Things are the best they have ever been for me but still I want to die. I just have no energy or motivation to live life. Even though these 3 women are amazing people, I just can't help but want to disappear. One of them even told me she loved me and all I could think is "How??", "Why?", "That is a mistake!". I'm not like the stereotypical bedridden depressed person. I'm undeniably myself and I have fun in the moment. I think this is what she fell in love with. I just know it cant be a thing because one day I probably will just find the courage.
It's good your making friends. Depression can claim anyone and it's effects can not make sense. You can have everything and still want to kill yourself. I'm not going to try to understand depression cause I really don't. It's got a hold on us and confuses the hell out of us
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#13
Sometimes too, and it's been a really long time since I've thought about things like this, so I'll try to keep it general - or brief. But they feel that there is a connection between the negative or distortion in your thoughts (whatever you might be thinking of, or about yourself, that could be considered unwell & untrue) and your behavior. So, if for instance, they can get you to change your thinking, or the way in which you think about yourself, they can then get you out of this learned behavior cycle or pattern. Because that tends to fall into the learned behavior, or behavioral category. . . (I do believe, and I could be remembering some things incorrectly). But maybe that can give you a little bit of the gist (or idea) of what it is, that some of them are sometimes trying to do, when it comes to modus operandi ("m. o") or the method to their maddness~ good luck!!
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#14
...So, maybe if they can alter your thinking, they can alter your cognition, and then therefore your behavior (if that makes sense!). Because they are all linked together, somehow- or perhaps vice versa, at times as well.
 

Wikus

Well-Known Member
#15
...So, maybe if they can alter your thinking, they can alter your cognition, and then therefore your behavior (if that makes sense!). Because they are all linked together, somehow- or perhaps vice versa, at times as well.
Interesting! So I had a similar conversation with a friend about this too. He was in a bad place but atm he's the most head strong positive person I know. At first I thought he could be masking a lot of his emotions but upon learning to know him better, he doesn't get involved in any drama. He tends himself everyday that he loves and respects himself no matter what. So I'm gonna start trying this to imitate the effect it has on him. What do you think guys?
 

MisterBGone

o O Oo oO oOo O ooo..!;)~
SF Supporter
#16
Interesting! So I had a similar conversation with a friend about this too. He was in a bad place but atm he's the most head strong positive person I know. At first I thought he could be masking a lot of his emotions but upon learning to know him better, he doesn't get involved in any drama. He tends himself everyday that he loves and respects himself no matter what. So I'm gonna start trying this to imitate the effect it has on him. What do you think guys?
Knew a girl once, who went to Harvard for Psychology. She then went out to LA to try & become a movie star (or actress of some sort...) // Upon learning of my condition; & some of the things that went with it (which seemed to somehow shock even her?), one of the things she'd suggested I do - was to first thing when I wake up in the morning--or shortly thereafter. . . Force myself to say, "out loud" 5 positive things about my-self. Now at first this seemed (to me) beyond absurd. Especially at that given point & time in my life, I couldn't possibly conjure up 5 good things in my whole entire life (that I'd done). Now, obviously, it took some "practice."

But I think the point was, and I'm not really 100% sure (because I'd never asked her), was to try and counterbalance out some of the negative thoughts that were on repeat throughout the given day. Both subconsciously (or unconsciously), and not! Anyway it was an interesting exercise, and, like journaling for some (especially even more so if you can manage to write things down by hand), things will happen - or come out - that you'd never imagined would, or could in a million years. So, in other words, or not so short summation I guess~~ sitting there beforehand and trying to come up with what might possibly be achieved was proven to be absolutely meaningless. Not saying it's a cure-all, or anything... but it's one example that might not be deemed to be, a "bad start." Good luck, & best regards-
 

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