inevitable.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by plates, Aug 23, 2010.

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  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    they are killing me every day.my life meant nothing to them, why can't it stop.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 23, 2010
  2. marmar345

    marmar345 Member

    what is going on?
     
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    it goes on all the time. it will stop soon. it has to hasn't it.

    what it is , is damage. extensive. damage.
     
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    who is 'them' plates?
     
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    the people who abused me.
     
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you've been abused....are you getting any counseling ?
     
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i've had it for years, it can only do so much. thank you for your replies, i appreciate it.
     
  8. william11373

    william11373 Member

    please further explain your situation.
     
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    william- i'm not sure that would help me at the moment.

    what i can say is...i seem to be making dates/plans/methods and shit, and planning on destroying/giving stuff away. this obviously signifying that i'm severely depressed and suicidal which is something i have to accept- i usually think i'm fine until i'm accessing emergency services or at a bridge. i've been drinking in the early morning more frequently to medicate myself too. i feel trapped. very trapped. and i feel pretty scared because it's like the pain is slowly taking over more than me being over it, and i'm pretty good at doing all that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2010
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i'm through with writing about myself like i'm my nurse and softening up what i'm going through, to make it seem like i'll be around forever and "it will pass."





    i'm done soon.

    luck, determination, and a good effort. that's what it's going to take.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2010
  11. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    wooppee for my own conversation in this thread.

    i'm going into hospital tomorrow it looks like. lets just hope they don't accidently kill me with an overdose of medication if i get myself restrained. or shall i hope? i don't know, but that place is The Place if you want to die. i'm going to get what i asked for aren't i? hell on earth, because i dont' want to end up in a fucking wheelchair if i jump.
     
  12. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    I've only just seen this thread plates, i'm sorry your feeling so shit. :hugtackles: Are you planning to admit yourself, is that what you mean? I think if your that close it's a good idea it might help you, i hope. Big :hug: for hanging on.
     
  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    it won't help me, you're missing the point
    it makes me worse
    i go into hospital so i don't end up a fucking vegetable or paralysed in a wheelchair.

    i go into hospital and the place makes me "a problem" if i don't control myself and stop myself flipping out there, which is very difficult. the place is the best place if you want to die inside. and i bet, i won't, see. i'll struggle, i'll fight because it's all instinctive. this fucking shit is all instinctive

    my cpn thinks i should go in. when i told her how serious i was about attempting and about not being in a wheelchair and an OD won't work, she seemed to be really shocked, and tearful. but she's an angel, to the part who wants to live, not something i chose, but something that's fighting on a fundamental level-
     
  14. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    Sorry plates i don't know much about hospitals, i imagine they are not nice. Have you given up trying new meds?
     
  15. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    medication does not help me, unless it's benzos at a low dose.

    thanks for talking to me decode, you're a good guy :hug:
     
  16. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    I know you would do the same plates. Are you still on them? Arn't there lots of different benzos, maybe some of the others would work even better. If could be worth a try.
     
  17. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    no i don't take them. i've been drinking spirits instead in the morning, knocks me out faster. benzos is a bit like crisis support, they are short term, and just lessen anxiety. thing is, anxiety isn't the problem it's pain/severe depression. i'm not fond of diazepam after i found it caused me respiratory depression a few months back.

    thanks, i'm gonna go and destroy a few things i have now. whatever happens, some things need to go.
     
  18. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    Have you overall felt better since medicating with drink? If so i'm pleased but you tend to find when you have a problem, alchol will usually exacerbate the way you feel. You could try and get a different benzo so when you at your worst, you can take some. Might help ground you when you are feeling like that. :crash:
     
  19. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    benzos don't help me ground myself, they make me float badly sometimes, and i hate that. alcohol is great stuff when i'm in pain, yes..it's like dying.

    right now i#m not interested in medication, i'm interested in just either getting it all over with, or getting throught the next few days.
     
  20. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    I think you will get though them, do what you have to to make sure you do. You could make life a lot worse doing something silly, no one wants that. Keep trying. :hug:
     
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