Innocent F's journal (replies welcome)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Innocent Forever, Oct 16, 2016.

  1. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    So....
    I guess I'm going to start my own thread here. Will I use it? Will it remain blank and empty? Who knows.... I'm on my laptop a whole lot nowadays, and for now it's a good thing, some time though, I may decide to change that.
    A journal, on a forum I really don't know. It's a little scary to me. I started this thread to be able to vent about someone who hurt me, but for now I'll leave that, ya' know, introductory posts, an' all.
    I really have lots to do today. I'd love everyone to comment, reply and just say hi on here. I appreciate knowing that people are actually reading/relating to what I say. Although I don't always appreciate advice. I love hearing others experiences with similar or even completely unrelated stuff, but somehow that's different, when someone tells me what THEY did, then when someone who doesn't know me is telling ME what I should do. I don't know. I'm being defensive already. I'm sorry... maybe I just shouldn't write here, after all.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    You're fighting losing battles and the war.

    Get out of your head and just write
     
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Innocent :) I started a journal a few months back too and it kind of went by the wayside. Maybe I'll start it up again, you've inspired me to remember. Good luck and good journaling.
    Brian
     
  4. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    Standing
    At this fork in the road
    Been standing here
    For so long already
    Vacillating
    Between the 2 paths
    On the cliff edge
    One foot over
    One foot on solid ground
    Debating between
    Staying on
    Jumping off
    Feet together now
    On solid ground
    I look over the edge
    The rocks at the bottom
    And turn around
    See the mountain towering
    Either
    I step off
    To the shards below
    Or
    I climb
    Don't see the footholds
    Or any rope
    Just
    Rockface
    Any step I take
    Can always turn around
    Still choose
    The rocks below
    Just step over the edge
    The chasm inviting
    I turn around
    I wanna give
    Climbing a go
    I don't know if I can do it
    Without anyways falling
    Down, down and down
    I don't know
    What lies beyond
    The cliff face I see in front of me
    I don't need to know
    What will be
    Isn't important
    It's only the choice now
    I wanna give
    Climbing a go
    I'm scared of it
    Terrified really
    But it's okay
    I can still try
    Just try
    G
    ive climbing
    A go
     
  5. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    I'm tired. and confused. Just being me, I guess.
    I'm so much calmer since I decided that I wanna give life a go. Although, it feels a lot like, why on earth did I decide to try? I don't know... I'm confused. Did I say that already?
    Was speaking to a therapist the other day. She wants me to fill in an hourly chart of what I'm doing. Was meant to be rating how I feel too, but I've absolutely no way of rating how I feel ever. I don't know how I feel. I'm not in touch with my feelings. Although I can theoretically guess whether I'm happy or sad. Its not knowledge though. dunno. just don't want to be here. and don't want to be thinking about that. wanting to mess up a lot. and don't want to either. hate the constant conflict. but I'm just not tuning into it. wish there was some way to avoid being with myself.
     
  6. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    I don't write on here usually because I hate writing on forums to myself. Now I am though, coz' I should journal, and I'm not going to journal this in my diary.
    I'm so close to tears. And it's really stupid why. I was on the phone with a few other people. A conference call. The only 'place' I have that is somewhat safe. Everyone on there is in recovery - ranging in age from 20 to 30 (4 friends, we speak officially every week for between 30 minutes to an hour). I feel like they're all moving ahead without me. They are. They've all entered recovery. Whilst I've gone backwards. And instead of entering any real recovery program am battling suicide. Self harm isn't so much an issue. Meaning it is, but it's the way I act out. And, don't know. So was going to share that at the end when everyone else had shared, and said Hi, and someone else said hi and bye, it was the end, and I didn't have the ability to try say what I wanted to. Just wanted to share it with them. They're all moving on without me. And it hurts. I also want to be moving ahead. It's not that I'm not at all, it's not that I'm not in any way different. In some ways I'm in a way healthier place than I was a year ago. But, on the other hand, a year ago I never planned how I'd end my life, now, I know how I would, and know how to obtain what I'd use (I have some, not enough here coz' when I had enough someone took it from me). And I'm just sad. And feeling really alone. And it's so petty too. So what? So at the end of a call I couldn't say what I wanted to say??? They all care about me. I know that they do. Yet, I can't really speak to them. I don't know. Not coz' of them, but because of myself. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to speak and be listened to. And I tried to speak. I don't have the way to push myself forward when there's the slightest resistance. And whatever. It's not important. Nothing is. I wanted to get to 3 weeks of no self harming. That's what I said earlier today. I don't know if I want to try though. Coz' if I'm not trying then I can go mess up now. I want to. So badly. Just feel the heat on my arm. I'm a coward. And never really go through with it. But I can embrace the pain. It'd be that pain instead of this. Of nothing. Nothing happened here. I don't know. Whatever.
     
  7. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    This thread is kinda in the wrong place. No wonder I couldn't find it anywhere...... I searched through the members diary section.
    So, I should journal. I need to untangle the mess my head is in. not gonna journal. So, will o so I guess here.
    I'm tired. It's hard. it's good. It's weird. Thinking all that. Even if doesn't go together. It's the end fo a day and I can't get into 'j's and since the washing machine is broken I only have short sleeved ones and don't want others to see scars. Besides that it's COLD.
    I'm tired. Threw up again today. Wait, I said again? When was the first time.. The first time was a week ago. I don't know whether I need to or not. I don't know why I do. I don't know the point. It makes me confused about eating. Like, why'm I eating if I'll anyways likely as not throw it up. And it's true that I would. So eating less. Not that it'd be a bad idea for me to lose weight for I need to lose weight. But I'm tired. And confused. I feel like I'm so in survival mode. I don't want to be in survival mode. I want to be in living mode. In being. In enjoying life. Did a puzzle before. Finished it. I'm tired. Want to get into pj's. So, the rest is that when I'm not okay in my head school, teaching, becomes such a burden and I hate teaching. I hate being in school. I hate everything. I didn't open the book on methods that I have a link to. I didn't read further today. I didn't. didn't. I didn't. I want to. So very badly. Everyone is driving me nuts. They're not doing anything wrong but I can't deal with them.
    Some of the quotes I should be quoting to myself.
    Go as long as you can. And then take another step. That feels so false right now. For I always used it when trying so hard and wanting to hold on for a second more against failing. Now, I am using. So why not sue more. I guess coz' hold on. And coz' when you reach the end of your rope tie a knot and swing from it. And my signature quote. That just as I've been here before and gotten past it I can get past it still.
    I feel so alone. I don't have any friends where I live.
    I should have gone to a meeting today. I didn't go. Because, because was just too overwhelmed and couldn't face it. Just couldn't deal with it. So didn't. Didn't go. Haven't been to it. It's only every Wednesday night and I may decide it's not right but should check at least and didn't coz' couldn't and dunno. the world just seems too much at the moment. I really want it to come to a halt. Dear world. Please can you stop spinning around the axis. Please can you stop. Maybe stop and let me ump off and then you can continue. I don't think the world. s gonna listen to me though. And I want to see what life can be. I don't know. It hurts. Seems pointless. Is it? I wish I knew.... I don't know. It's too confusing and, I don't know.
    And it's good to put down what I'm thinking.
    And I'm creating stuff that doesn't exist. I've no reason to be in such a mess. I've no reason to be fighting. I've no reason to want to escape. My life is perfect. Really. So why dam I so desperate to end it? Because I'm creating stuff that doesn't exist...
    Take care all.
     
  8. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    I'm scared for therapy today.
    Have an hours sheet to fill in. Wrote in one of the squares that threw up. And drew some line there and approximately whenever else did so. I need her to understand what it means without me saying so. I need her to know that I've been doing that every day and have been eating less coz' it's pointless to eat when gonna throw it up (not worried about the weight. I haven't been losing from it. And need to anyways lost at least a third of my body weight. Closer to half than a third). And need her to know how often been reading what I found on methods. I don't have the way to say any of it. But need her to know. Not that she's gonna be able to do anything anyways And in this past week I really tried to do things I may like more. Started a scrapbooking thing that been meaning to get to for a year for a friend. Started it about a week ago and done only the beginning but it's about 4 hours spent on that. Been watching movies at night instead of spiralling. Don't know. Scared. And it's in a new location as they all had to move locations. I don't know why that's making me anxious but it really really is. I know the place. I know what to expect. I know the chairs. I know the window. I know the trees outside that I really need to be there. I know the distance. Here, I don't know anything. Can't believe that such a stupid thing is throwing me for such a loop.
     
  9. walkerbait95

    walkerbait95 Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi. I just happened to fall into this thread somehow. If you'd like to discuss how I stopped more than a decade of SH drop me a line on that any time, ok? I was an intense cutter for many years and it tapered off after that for maybe another 5. I did stop though and have been cool for a long time. I do have a strategy I share with folks if they wanna hear it.

    XO
    Matt