Innocent F's journal (replies welcome)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Innocent Forever, Oct 16, 2016.

  1. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    So....
    I guess I'm going to start my own thread here. Will I use it? Will it remain blank and empty? Who knows.... I'm on my laptop a whole lot nowadays, and for now it's a good thing, some time though, I may decide to change that.
    A journal, on a forum I really don't know. It's a little scary to me. I started this thread to be able to vent about someone who hurt me, but for now I'll leave that, ya' know, introductory posts, an' all.
    I really have lots to do today. I'd love everyone to comment, reply and just say hi on here. I appreciate knowing that people are actually reading/relating to what I say. Although I don't always appreciate advice. I love hearing others experiences with similar or even completely unrelated stuff, but somehow that's different, when someone tells me what THEY did, then when someone who doesn't know me is telling ME what I should do. I don't know. I'm being defensive already. I'm sorry... maybe I just shouldn't write here, after all.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  2. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    You're fighting losing battles and the war.

    Get out of your head and just write
     
  3. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Innocent :) I started a journal a few months back too and it kind of went by the wayside. Maybe I'll start it up again, you've inspired me to remember. Good luck and good journaling.
    Brian
     
  4. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    Standing
    At this fork in the road
    Been standing here
    For so long already
    Vacillating
    Between the 2 paths
    On the cliff edge
    One foot over
    One foot on solid ground
    Debating between
    Staying on
    Jumping off
    Feet together now
    On solid ground
    I look over the edge
    The rocks at the bottom
    And turn around
    See the mountain towering
    Either
    I step off
    To the shards below
    Or
    I climb
    Don't see the footholds
    Or any rope
    Just
    Rockface
    Any step I take
    Can always turn around
    Still choose
    The rocks below
    Just step over the edge
    The chasm inviting
    I turn around
    I wanna give
    Climbing a go
    I don't know if I can do it
    Without anyways falling
    Down, down and down
    I don't know
    What lies beyond
    The cliff face I see in front of me
    I don't need to know
    What will be
    Isn't important
    It's only the choice now
    I wanna give
    Climbing a go
    I'm scared of it
    Terrified really
    But it's okay
    I can still try
    Just try
    G
    ive climbing
    A go
     
  5. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    I'm tired. and confused. Just being me, I guess.
    I'm so much calmer since I decided that I wanna give life a go. Although, it feels a lot like, why on earth did I decide to try? I don't know... I'm confused. Did I say that already?
    Was speaking to a therapist the other day. She wants me to fill in an hourly chart of what I'm doing. Was meant to be rating how I feel too, but I've absolutely no way of rating how I feel ever. I don't know how I feel. I'm not in touch with my feelings. Although I can theoretically guess whether I'm happy or sad. Its not knowledge though. dunno. just don't want to be here. and don't want to be thinking about that. wanting to mess up a lot. and don't want to either. hate the constant conflict. but I'm just not tuning into it. wish there was some way to avoid being with myself.
     
  6. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    I don't write on here usually because I hate writing on forums to myself. Now I am though, coz' I should journal, and I'm not going to journal this in my diary.
    I'm so close to tears. And it's really stupid why. I was on the phone with a few other people. A conference call. The only 'place' I have that is somewhat safe. Everyone on there is in recovery - ranging in age from 20 to 30 (4 friends, we speak officially every week for between 30 minutes to an hour). I feel like they're all moving ahead without me. They are. They've all entered recovery. Whilst I've gone backwards. And instead of entering any real recovery program am battling suicide. Self harm isn't so much an issue. Meaning it is, but it's the way I act out. And, don't know. So was going to share that at the end when everyone else had shared, and said Hi, and someone else said hi and bye, it was the end, and I didn't have the ability to try say what I wanted to. Just wanted to share it with them. They're all moving on without me. And it hurts. I also want to be moving ahead. It's not that I'm not at all, it's not that I'm not in any way different. In some ways I'm in a way healthier place than I was a year ago. But, on the other hand, a year ago I never planned how I'd end my life, now, I know how I would, and know how to obtain what I'd use (I have some, not enough here coz' when I had enough someone took it from me). And I'm just sad. And feeling really alone. And it's so petty too. So what? So at the end of a call I couldn't say what I wanted to say??? They all care about me. I know that they do. Yet, I can't really speak to them. I don't know. Not coz' of them, but because of myself. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve to speak and be listened to. And I tried to speak. I don't have the way to push myself forward when there's the slightest resistance. And whatever. It's not important. Nothing is. I wanted to get to 3 weeks of no self harming. That's what I said earlier today. I don't know if I want to try though. Coz' if I'm not trying then I can go mess up now. I want to. So badly. Just feel the heat on my arm. I'm a coward. And never really go through with it. But I can embrace the pain. It'd be that pain instead of this. Of nothing. Nothing happened here. I don't know. Whatever.