Be warned before you read this. I'm near the end of my rope. No one cares about me.
At the beginning of last year, I developed depression so bad I developed psychosis symptoms (according to a therapist). I was hearing voices of my name being called, and I would turn around to find no one there or nobody actually calling it. Sometimes I would think people were laughing at me. My roommates had decided to leave (never sure if it was me or not) and this forced me to quit school and my job. I could not really sustain my job from such intense depression, but mostly from hearing voices. I felt embarrassed about myself. After I had moved back in with my parents, the serious issues subsided. I was 22 at the time, so it was only temporary and I decided to move out again. Unfortunately, I no longer had a job, so I needed to stay with my grandparents while I attended college. They are pretty old and dysfunctional, so it was a good idea to help them anyway.
I do not have a car, and I walk everywhere, including to help them out with groceries. My life pretty much became about helping them out and attending college. I did not like it, but it was not too bad. My grandfather got an infection on his foot which required amputation about 3 months after I had moved in. He attended a nursing home and physical therapy to regain some mobility. Unfortunately he became bed ridden. My grandmother cant do anything, and my grandfather does not even have the strength to lift himself. He uses a portable toilet that I have to help him with it most of the time. At 3am one morning, my grandmother tried to help him use it and he ended up crapping all over himself and getting stuck between the portable toilet and the bed. I was the only one who could help, and I selflessly lifted his naked body back onto the bed.
I had already helped him along with emergency services before, but this time was too much. The only people that ever visit are my uncle and aunt, and my uncle just talks about how much of a fuck up I am. The only people I ever talked to were my parents as I have no friends, and I just heard from my cousin that I need to stop talking to them, that I had been calling them too much.
These people need help, but I dont have the resources. I told my grandmother that my grandpa needs to go to the hospital but she wont listen. Everybody seems to not care about them or me. I have no idea how I have gotten straight A's in college since moving here, as all I have begun to think about is suicide or ways to take my mind off suicide. I feel guilty because I can not live up to everyones expectations, as I still dont have a job. I have tried to focus on the future, but if this is humanity why should I care anymore? I feel like subtracting myself from this mess of evil.
At the beginning of last year, I developed depression so bad I developed psychosis symptoms (according to a therapist). I was hearing voices of my name being called, and I would turn around to find no one there or nobody actually calling it. Sometimes I would think people were laughing at me. My roommates had decided to leave (never sure if it was me or not) and this forced me to quit school and my job. I could not really sustain my job from such intense depression, but mostly from hearing voices. I felt embarrassed about myself. After I had moved back in with my parents, the serious issues subsided. I was 22 at the time, so it was only temporary and I decided to move out again. Unfortunately, I no longer had a job, so I needed to stay with my grandparents while I attended college. They are pretty old and dysfunctional, so it was a good idea to help them anyway.
I do not have a car, and I walk everywhere, including to help them out with groceries. My life pretty much became about helping them out and attending college. I did not like it, but it was not too bad. My grandfather got an infection on his foot which required amputation about 3 months after I had moved in. He attended a nursing home and physical therapy to regain some mobility. Unfortunately he became bed ridden. My grandmother cant do anything, and my grandfather does not even have the strength to lift himself. He uses a portable toilet that I have to help him with it most of the time. At 3am one morning, my grandmother tried to help him use it and he ended up crapping all over himself and getting stuck between the portable toilet and the bed. I was the only one who could help, and I selflessly lifted his naked body back onto the bed.
I had already helped him along with emergency services before, but this time was too much. The only people that ever visit are my uncle and aunt, and my uncle just talks about how much of a fuck up I am. The only people I ever talked to were my parents as I have no friends, and I just heard from my cousin that I need to stop talking to them, that I had been calling them too much.
These people need help, but I dont have the resources. I told my grandmother that my grandpa needs to go to the hospital but she wont listen. Everybody seems to not care about them or me. I have no idea how I have gotten straight A's in college since moving here, as all I have begun to think about is suicide or ways to take my mind off suicide. I feel guilty because I can not live up to everyones expectations, as I still dont have a job. I have tried to focus on the future, but if this is humanity why should I care anymore? I feel like subtracting myself from this mess of evil.
