insane situation, no more up or down

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by HopeForHumanity, Mar 2, 2014.

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  1. Be warned before you read this. I'm near the end of my rope. No one cares about me.

    At the beginning of last year, I developed depression so bad I developed psychosis symptoms (according to a therapist). I was hearing voices of my name being called, and I would turn around to find no one there or nobody actually calling it. Sometimes I would think people were laughing at me. My roommates had decided to leave (never sure if it was me or not) and this forced me to quit school and my job. I could not really sustain my job from such intense depression, but mostly from hearing voices. I felt embarrassed about myself. After I had moved back in with my parents, the serious issues subsided. I was 22 at the time, so it was only temporary and I decided to move out again. Unfortunately, I no longer had a job, so I needed to stay with my grandparents while I attended college. They are pretty old and dysfunctional, so it was a good idea to help them anyway.

    I do not have a car, and I walk everywhere, including to help them out with groceries. My life pretty much became about helping them out and attending college. I did not like it, but it was not too bad. My grandfather got an infection on his foot which required amputation about 3 months after I had moved in. He attended a nursing home and physical therapy to regain some mobility. Unfortunately he became bed ridden. My grandmother cant do anything, and my grandfather does not even have the strength to lift himself. He uses a portable toilet that I have to help him with it most of the time. At 3am one morning, my grandmother tried to help him use it and he ended up crapping all over himself and getting stuck between the portable toilet and the bed. I was the only one who could help, and I selflessly lifted his naked body back onto the bed.

    I had already helped him along with emergency services before, but this time was too much. The only people that ever visit are my uncle and aunt, and my uncle just talks about how much of a fuck up I am. The only people I ever talked to were my parents as I have no friends, and I just heard from my cousin that I need to stop talking to them, that I had been calling them too much.

    These people need help, but I dont have the resources. I told my grandmother that my grandpa needs to go to the hospital but she wont listen. Everybody seems to not care about them or me. I have no idea how I have gotten straight A's in college since moving here, as all I have begun to think about is suicide or ways to take my mind off suicide. I feel guilty because I can not live up to everyones expectations, as I still dont have a job. I have tried to focus on the future, but if this is humanity why should I care anymore? I feel like subtracting myself from this mess of evil.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Wow hun No way you can be a carer to your grandparents hun i learned the hard way that doing what you are doing you will be burn't out totally before end year You do need help and you need to call community services up to get that Talk to your grandparents doctor let them know you need help as you should not have to take on that responsibility not that and go to college too.
  3. But sometimes I think i'm not doing enough. I feel in constant conflict. Sometimes I think I should stop helping them and force other people to intervene (like taking him to the hospital). But then I feel like i'm just lazy and not doing enough. I dont have a job, and I always want to disconnect (like sit on my computer all the time). Now I find myself spending long amounts of time with my brother every weekend, and that wont last because he is moving. Its like I have no more reference point. Not even getting good grades makes me feel good.
  4. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Like Total Eclipse says HopeForHumanity

    You can't keep this up & it really is time to call in community services; even for home help so then your Grandparents can still live at home & then eventually you could perhaps could move out & get on with your own life

    tc HopeForHumanity

  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Call the office for the Aging in your county. If you cannot find that exact office name in your county , then just dial 211. This will connect you to a social services operator that can give you the appropriate agencies to get you help with your grandparents. Presumably your Grandfather is on medicare or medicaid, which means they will pay for a visiting nurse several times a week to assist with things such as bathing a couple times a week and check medical needs. They will also be able to arrange respite care so you can get free time to yourself without worrying about your Grandparents.

    Use this time to get involved with something at your University, whether it is a study group , club, or anything - just someplace to be for a few hours a week to be around other people and have the chance to talk and make friends with others. I am sorry the rest of your extended family does not feel the same sense of responsibility you do to help out- to be honest, the way they sound I think you could do better by finding new social contacts of your own as I am unsure they really deserve your attention and kindness.
  6. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    your doing alright, helping out gramps, getting good grades just rememeber to take some you time too, go out have a little fun you deserve it, I use to go to bars alone and talk to anyone that would have me talk to them, I befriended a regular he was into comic books.
  7. So I have gotten out of the situation I was in. Its beyond my abilities to help those people. I'm on my way to a university and majoring in quantum mechanics. I still feel like utter shit. I see all the people that post on this forum, thread after thread, and it just seems futile. I mean, the United States is filled with so many people that have problems, does it even matter? It is becoming harder and harder to help everyone with problems, and it just kills me inside. I'm just a voice among a noise. I've already failed to commit suicide since my last post. I drank and took a bunch of codeine, but my metabolism processed it out in time and I woke up super hungover.

    I've notice myself becoming much more neutral in every situation I interact in. For example, I can give people spot on analytical advice, but to put it into practice for myself is impossible. I rather just zone out learning some random thing.
  8. Isaak

    Isaak Active Member

    Good luck with Differential Equations (assuming you're going into Engineering and not Letters & Sciences).

    You're a sharp guy who is in a bind-- it's not that you cannot analyze your own situations, but perhaps you're not measuring all the data-- this is why it helps to have an observer to help with your experiment, if you pardon the extended metaphor.

    Help humanity one human at a time. All it takes is one.
  9. Ill help you understand where my head is at and my life has been.
    I have no job. Never had any sort of relationship. Basically no friends. I spent my entire childhood moving around. I cant drive. I believe that humanity is inherently evil and must change or deserves to die. If i dont find a position where i can advance humanity intellectually, i will probably kill myself. There is no other point to exist on this planet, and anyone who thinks life is not primarily about advancement and love should rot in hell. Its just what morality and logic dictate. Education and mental health sciences are shit in the united states. The sheer numbers of depressed and drop outs agree.
    So explain to me, what should i be happy about? To be alive? To repeat, adcancement and love or let me shut my eyes and never wake up.
  10. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    It probably wasn't your fault. you can't judge unless u ask them.
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