Insecure, Anxious, Insomniac, Manic...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 23, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm a bit all over the place.

    I think I am experiencing mania... my mind is speeding (my mind is often busy and fast, thanks to a high IQ and what I call 'Professor brain')...

    I can't sleep at night... for a long while it's been because of negative thoughts keeping me awake. Memories of abuse, bullying, rape and yeah... or regretting my SH... or any life decision... or worrying about money trouble...

    The last couple of nights I've been up until 3-4 at night while going to bed at midnight... and waking up at 7-8 am. My brain is just speeding... I am researching things, or making thought experiments, trying to solve stuff... or obsessing over this crate of japanese candy I've ordered that I can't wait to receive...

    It's like I have no off switch. My body is tired, so, so tired... I suffer from chronic pain, and combined with the depression I usually need a lot of sleep...

    I've tried going for walks when I can't sleep... but it's not always possible because of my anxiety and PTSD... especially not on the weekends, too many drunk guys running around... and it doesn't help me sleep to get increased heart rate and cold sweats because I worry for my own life and safety...

    Since I was a kid I've told myself bedtime stories I made up in my head... and my therapist thinks it's a good idea when I can't sleep because I'm upset... but lately I get obsessed with details. It has to make sense... every little tiny detail. And the story and plot gets lost... it takes the joy out of story telling...

    And... I'm so damn insecure as well... I haven't talked to my LDR boyfriend since the 8th... He's on a mandatory break from his work, and he hasn't been able to replace his laptop... he said he'd work at the docks these 2 weeks to earn some extra cash to speed up him moving up here with me. We've been through this a few times over the 20 months we've been together... and he's always returned and missed me terribly... but I just worry that one day he doesn't. What if he's met some really lovely girl who lives closer? I know I'm not the easiest person to love because of the PTSD and depression... What if he's had time to think and decided he's better off without me?

    No one before him truly showed me love and treated me right... he means the world to me and I fear I wouldn't survive losing him...

    There's this trailer for a TV show here, about family secrets and this girl is crying and says "Who would want to be a part of me when my father didn't??"... that's how I feel too. My father refused to take part in my life... he apparently visited mum and me at the hospital the day after I was born, half dead... and he even refused to look at me... and my mum didn't love me either... my mum is incapable of human emotions... and yeah... if they couldn't care for me... how could anyone else??

    And there he is... working his arse off just to be with me. ME??? There's this stupid 'voice' at the back of my head saying I'm being delusional. I keep looking for reasons why he's untrue... I haven't found any yet... and hopefully I never will.

    Hopefully I get him back on Monday morning...

    For now I just wish I could sleep... I have two Seroquel tablets left from the psych ER months back... but I had a bad reaction to the first one... and I'd like to be able to go shopping for groceries tomorrow...
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    I have panic and anxiety attacks every early morning. Iworry about stuff that may or may not happen. I try to stop the thoughts by telling myself you are worrying about something that does not exist at this moment in time.
    I try to change the path of my thoughts to stop the panic
    lightning05 and ThePhantomLady like this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am really starting to panic... He is supposed to come back in the morning what if e doesn't? What could have happened??
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    *hugs* Did he come back?
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    He did! All my fears were groundless. Lol.

    I hate being so insecure...
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