Why is it that my insecurity is destroying all my hopes? I spend a couple of days building myself up. Trying to become more secure and happy and bold. Then my fears of rejection, or destroying something that is already good, get the better of me. I get confident and happy, then I let my fears get the better of me. It always seems to happen to me. I become resolute and determined, hell even confident. However, it is just card house. The winds of my self-hatred and insecurity blow it over with ease. Whether it be determination to get a new job. Or determination to try to get a girlfriend. I get so very nice and confident and then it all crumbles into nothingness. Why does it have to work like this? Why can't I just be confident in myself. Confident in what I feel. Why do I have such a terrible fear of rejection? How come I want to give up long before I even get a chance to begin? Why is it that I am always content with less? Why is it that I comprise so I can have something good but not something great? Why don't I want to take the chance at having something great? Why am I too scared to reach for true happiness? What the fuck is wrong with me? What is worse is it makes me want to kill myself. Right now there is a thunderstorm outside. Right now I want to find a metal object and walk around outside with it. It makes me want to take my rope and... well you guys know. I just want to die. Because I cannot maintain a confidence that I have. How come this hurts so fucking much?