Insecurity poisoning otherwise happy and successful relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Hurted, Aug 14, 2012.

  1. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    I've been together with my gf for 6 months now and this is my first serious relationship. The problem is, that while we are both happy and while our relationship is functioning well, my mental issues are causing me a lot of pain. Mostly it is insecurity, i constantly need "proves" that she really loves me and while i'm very rarely jealous, i often have problems with many things where her attention is directed towards other people. I rarely feel jealousy or anger towards those people, but i constantly feel insecure.
    She is aware of my issues, but mostly i suffer without her knowing because i don't want to control her and I'm aware that those are mine issues and that she shouldn't pay price for them. I am doing my best to be as functional as i can, yet i can't get rid of those feelings. The fact is i'm hurt easily and sometimes i really have problems knowing wheneter there really is an issues or if something is an issues just for me.
    Current example of what hurted me: She spent past 2 months away from our hometown with her family. She's coming back next week. I visited her twice, both times for one week. She told me yesterday that as much as she misses me and wants to see me soon, she hopes that i can understand that she plans to spend first few days mostly with her friends, because she haven't seen them for 2,5 half months. While i believe this is reasonable, i can't help myself not to be depressed that the first thing she wants to do is see me and spent most of the time with me.
    How can i get rid of my insecurity and possessiveness, which i believe are the root of my problems? Our relationship so far is happy and functional and i want it to remain this way, i just want to learn how to relax and become less insecure in order to be as happy as i can instead of wasting my time on feeling hurt or betrayed.
    Thanks for any imput.

    Another thing: Are there any resources about when it's reasonable to feel jealous and when it is not? I mean if my gf would start hanging out with her ex we would obviously have a problem. If she would want to dance with her best friend on his prom then jealousy would be unreasonable... But what about other situation? Is there any good site with insight on those things?
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Relationships can be a little tricky when there have to be long separations and then reunions. It sounds as if your gf hasn't seen her other friends at all and needs a bit of time with them. She was with you for two full weeks during the last couple of months. As you noted, knowing that doesn't stop the twinges of hurt. Keep as focussed as you can on the fact that you will have lots of time with her after she has seen these friends.

    Maybe you could use the time she is with her friends to do something you like doing that she doesn't enjoy, or perhaps in planning a special outing with her for after she's seen her friends. If you can, take it stride that she wants to spend time with friends she hasn't seen much of lately. It will indicate that you can and do give her room, and it will help you both to develop trust in each other.