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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by cygnedepose, Oct 15, 2006.

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  1. cygnedepose

    cygnedepose Well-Known Member

    I guess I'll drop the whole load here.

    My problems:

    1) I'm fat. I'm not like "Oh she's chubby." I'm like "Whoaa, she's big!" And trust me. I'm not one of those 5'7",90 pounds anorexic girls complaining about looking like an elephant (no offense to them, I don't know what they're going through.) I've checked my BMI 100 times over and over, and I even had to double check. It's that bad.

    2) I'm ugly. I'm not even "plain" or "okay" I'm ugly. The last time I was called pretty by someone other than [lying] family and friend(s) was when I was 6. I'm 14/15 now.

    3) I'm stupid. I feel like I'm smart, but for one reason I can't release it. To be honest, I have to dumb myself down in every situation. I play the dumb one in my group of friends which pisses me off, but what can I do? If I try to speak articulately, I'll just get ignored (like usual.)

    4) I hate being my race. I hate the stereotypes that follow it and I hate alot of people in it. I've always wished that I could be another race but that isn't possible. I also hate being in this skin, with the color.

    5) I have no talents. None, nada, zero, etc. I can't do anything good. I suck at everything athletic, academic, creativity. It's like in heaven they were like:
    "Hey shouldn't we give atleast one good thing to this baby?"
    "Naahhhhh, we don't have time. Just group her in with the other losers-to-be."

    5) My family is broken up. Me and my two siblings are all from different mothers. My dad doesn't live at home with me any more. He says that he's moved because he's in debt and stuff, but I'm sure the fact that he and my mom don't love achother anymore helps. My older brother who used to always bring me out of bad moods is now many fars away and is living with his mom (she has heart problems.) I haven't seen my little sister in over a year. The perfect family, eh?

    This one will have some cursing and I'm not sure if swear words are filtered out of the text on this forum, so be warned.

    6) My social life is beyond pitiful. I hate to curse but I have to say it, I get treated like shit. Plain and simple. My classmates ignore me and walk all over me. My "friends" treat me like an idiot and walk all over me too. I have no guys friends. No matter how much I try I can never be up to standards. All my friends are more liked than me and there is no one that I can relate to. Whenever a "friend" comes in the room, they'll walk right b me and hug everyone else. Even my teachers don't get it. No one does.

    No it doesn not get better! It stays the fucking same. And I'm too fucking tired of this! Too fucking tired! I'm crying as I write this but does any one care? No! Why not? Because I'm a fucking worthless dipshit and deserve to be nothing. Which-guess what? I am. I'm useless. Just a bag of crap is what I am. I'm tired of crying and woshing for better. I'm tired of coming home everyday after school and screaming and bleeding my eyes ot because I had to go though the same crap again. I can't trus anybody anymore. Are they really as nice as they seem. Of course not. They are all just fake and are waiting for me to get attached so then they can just ditch me and treat me like dirt. I've NEVER done anything wrong! I sit at night alone and ask God what I've done to deserve this! I try to be nice and kind and nonviolent but then everybody still leaves or pushes me back down. Did I do something horrible in my past lives? I know I don't have it the worst but does that still mean that I have to suffer with what I have? It shouldn't. That's why I want to die so badly. I've given up hope. It's so laughable. Serioulsy, hope for what? Hope to ge fatter? Get no guy? Get no love? Get no kids? Get no respec. Get dumber? Get more teasing? Get more people to leave me? I'm tired of all of this. I know it's sick but lately I've been fantasizing about the counltess ways to kill myself. And don't even get me started on the suicide note. Everybody that's ever hurt me will be emphasized and have their name underlined, bolded, italicized- the whole deal. I'll make sure that even though they wont get charged for my death, they will still have a guilt to live with. Maybe they'll learn to stop being assholes. Or maybe they just wont care at all. Maybe they'll just ask "Marissa, who?" It's not like I wasn't dead already. :laugh: Hah! This is all too good isn't it?

    I don't know when I'll kill myself. I'm pretty much out of the deciding phase. um. I'' still wait it oout to see if anythiing "gets better" (please.) But If it doesn't then I guess I'll stop being a burden to anyone else.

    Don't worry (if anyone even cares..) I wont do anything now, but who knows. I surely dont. Thanks for reading, I guess.

    {Edit}
    If anyone would like to p.m. or instant message me (on msn or aim) I would really appreciate it. Just tell me. Thanks again.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2006
  2. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    I can't sympathize with you being fat, because I'm not. I'm overweight, but not fat according to the BMI. I often empathize with fat people because I know one day, I will be fat as well. I am an over eater that is blessed with a fast metabolism I guess. As much food as I eat I should weight 5 times what I do now. Have you seen a doctor about this weight problem? The good thing about being fat is you can always lose the weight. If diet don't work, you might need to consider that gastro-intestinal surgery. In my opinion, anyone can lose weight with a diet though, it just takes a lot of will power. Have you considered joining a support group for overweight people?

    I don't know what to say about you thinking you're ugly, because I have never seen you. Maybe you are really not, I can't say. Now this might sound cruel, and I am sorry if it does, just my honest opinion. I have seen lots of fat girls who at first glanced looked ugly and have thought to myself "she would be really beautiful if she lost some of the fat covering her face" Now I don't think that to be mean, I just think in a lot of cases it is true.

    You say you're stupid, but you feel smart? that makes no sense. I think you are probably really smart, you at least come across as smart to me from your writing. Sometimes people get beaten down so much by other people that they believe what the other people say. It's a fact of life, and what most people on this forum are going through IMO. I don't know what to tell you except to not listen to what others say.

    I don't know what race you are, but race really is only skin deep. There is no genetic difference between blacks, whites, asians, whatever. Fuck people who stereotype, they are fucking idiots anyway. Not everyone stereotypes.

    Maybe you are right about some people don't have talent. I think there is at least one thing every one is good at. I'm 24 and I have no talents that I have discovered yet but I try to keep hope that one day I will discover one. You're 15, so keep trying new things and maybe you will discover a talent.

    Nobody's family is perfect. I've always considered my family to be alright simply because of the fact my parents never divorced. But I have a half brother in prison for robbing 3 banks, my sister is divorced and has a 17 y/o son who I am pretty sure is a neo-nazi or KKK one or the other, and me, I'm pretty sure I am going to end up killing myself and bringing shame to the whole lot of them...so nobody's family is perfect.

    You did mention that you had friends, some friends are better then no friends. Even friends that suck. I've always had friends where I was the outcast so they gave me the shit for being the quiet weird fellow. I always hated it and said I would be better off without friends. Now I have no friends, and my shitty friends were better then no friends. I miss my shitty friends, I must say.

    Also, you sound like you want to use suicide as revenge. I'm sure you there are many other reason, but revenge sounds like one of them. Suicide should never be used as revenge, never IMO. I hope that you would reconsider if revenge is one of your motives.

    Um, I don't know if my little rant made you feel any better or worse, If anything I hope it didn't make you feel worse. I guess the point I am trying to make is there are plenty of people out there that know somewhat how you feel. Have you thought about joining a support group of some sort for losing weight? or talking to a therapist or school counselor about your thoughts of suicide or perception of yourself? I think either of those two things would help, it couldn't hurt to at least try.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 15, 2006
  3. cygnedepose

    cygnedepose Well-Known Member

    I've talked to a school guidance counselor (and she's a lovely woman) but she spat out the same life time crap that I hear everyday.

    Your reply actually did help. When I typed this, I was in a weird trance like phase, but now I'm more tired and calm. You gave out a lot of good points and you made me think. Also, I feel much whole after reading this.

    Thank you very much for replying. I have been thinking about joining a weight support group, but contrary to online right now, I'm offly shy in person. I could know you since I was baby, and I'll still wet myself before asking you a simple question. (Not a pleasing image really,but you get my drift...I hope.)

    Thanks again. :O) <Cute smiley,eh?
     
  4. Wayne

    Wayne Active Member

    Ok first of all..........and maybe it wasn't meant to be funny but this line

    'And trust me. I'm not one of those 5'7",90 pounds anorexic girls complaining about looking like an elephant (no offense to them, I don't know what they're going through.'

    Really tickled my funny bone..........:biggrin:

    And secondly.......i to used to dumb down in order to fit in........stop it!
    You do have brains as another responder said, your writing proves this fairly well.........and we allready have enough 'real' dumb ppl about....you cheat yourself and your true friends when you do not be true to yourself, and that in turn just adds to the confusion.........you say you are ignored when you speak 'smart' well i also experienced that........just do it anyway........its better to be ignored than to be overlooked as not worth listning to...you think?

    Plus just because ppl do not react at the time does not mean they do not hear....and will not think about it later...sure maybe under the peer group they act 'cool' and dont respond to you...but when they need a friend they can trust and need someone they think of as a 'thinker' then everything changes.....and a benifit of it all is that you actually prove to yourself that you are worth the effort.

    I hope this makes sense to you.......sometime i get muddled putting my thoughts into words..........to sum up.....Be yourself, and if ppl do not appreciate it.....give em the bums rush....you do not need to be around just to support other ppls egos.........
     
  5. cygnedepose

    cygnedepose Well-Known Member

    "give em the bums rush" That's awesome. :)

    Sorry for taking so long to reply. (I was too busy moping,as usual.)

    Thanks for the reply. And I got your words completely. I really have been thinking things over.

    Meditation is truly a lovely thing.

    Thanks again. ^^
     
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