I guess I'll drop the whole load here.
My problems:
1) I'm fat. I'm not like "Oh she's chubby." I'm like "Whoaa, she's big!" And trust me. I'm not one of those 5'7",90 pounds anorexic girls complaining about looking like an elephant (no offense to them, I don't know what they're going through.) I've checked my BMI 100 times over and over, and I even had to double check. It's that bad.
2) I'm ugly. I'm not even "plain" or "okay" I'm ugly. The last time I was called pretty by someone other than [lying] family and friend(s) was when I was 6. I'm 14/15 now.
3) I'm stupid. I feel like I'm smart, but for one reason I can't release it. To be honest, I have to dumb myself down in every situation. I play the dumb one in my group of friends which pisses me off, but what can I do? If I try to speak articulately, I'll just get ignored (like usual.)
4) I hate being my race. I hate the stereotypes that follow it and I hate alot of people in it. I've always wished that I could be another race but that isn't possible. I also hate being in this skin, with the color.
5) I have no talents. None, nada, zero, etc. I can't do anything good. I suck at everything athletic, academic, creativity. It's like in heaven they were like:
"Hey shouldn't we give atleast one good thing to this baby?"
"Naahhhhh, we don't have time. Just group her in with the other losers-to-be."
5) My family is broken up. Me and my two siblings are all from different mothers. My dad doesn't live at home with me any more. He says that he's moved because he's in debt and stuff, but I'm sure the fact that he and my mom don't love achother anymore helps. My older brother who used to always bring me out of bad moods is now many fars away and is living with his mom (she has heart problems.) I haven't seen my little sister in over a year. The perfect family, eh?
This one will have some cursing and I'm not sure if swear words are filtered out of the text on this forum, so be warned.
6) My social life is beyond pitiful. I hate to curse but I have to say it, I get treated like shit. Plain and simple. My classmates ignore me and walk all over me. My "friends" treat me like an idiot and walk all over me too. I have no guys friends. No matter how much I try I can never be up to standards. All my friends are more liked than me and there is no one that I can relate to. Whenever a "friend" comes in the room, they'll walk right b me and hug everyone else. Even my teachers don't get it. No one does.
No it doesn not get better! It stays the fucking same. And I'm too fucking tired of this! Too fucking tired! I'm crying as I write this but does any one care? No! Why not? Because I'm a fucking worthless dipshit and deserve to be nothing. Which-guess what? I am. I'm useless. Just a bag of crap is what I am. I'm tired of crying and woshing for better. I'm tired of coming home everyday after school and screaming and bleeding my eyes ot because I had to go though the same crap again. I can't trus anybody anymore. Are they really as nice as they seem. Of course not. They are all just fake and are waiting for me to get attached so then they can just ditch me and treat me like dirt. I've NEVER done anything wrong! I sit at night alone and ask God what I've done to deserve this! I try to be nice and kind and nonviolent but then everybody still leaves or pushes me back down. Did I do something horrible in my past lives? I know I don't have it the worst but does that still mean that I have to suffer with what I have? It shouldn't. That's why I want to die so badly. I've given up hope. It's so laughable. Serioulsy, hope for what? Hope to ge fatter? Get no guy? Get no love? Get no kids? Get no respec. Get dumber? Get more teasing? Get more people to leave me? I'm tired of all of this. I know it's sick but lately I've been fantasizing about the counltess ways to kill myself. And don't even get me started on the suicide note. Everybody that's ever hurt me will be emphasized and have their name underlined, bolded, italicized- the whole deal. I'll make sure that even though they wont get charged for my death, they will still have a guilt to live with. Maybe they'll learn to stop being assholes. Or maybe they just wont care at all. Maybe they'll just ask "Marissa, who?" It's not like I wasn't dead already. :laugh: Hah! This is all too good isn't it?
I don't know when I'll kill myself. I'm pretty much out of the deciding phase. um. I'' still wait it oout to see if anythiing "gets better" (please.) But If it doesn't then I guess I'll stop being a burden to anyone else.
Don't worry (if anyone even cares..) I wont do anything now, but who knows. I surely dont. Thanks for reading, I guess.
{Edit}
If anyone would like to p.m. or instant message me (on msn or aim) I would really appreciate it. Just tell me. Thanks again.
My problems:
1) I'm fat. I'm not like "Oh she's chubby." I'm like "Whoaa, she's big!" And trust me. I'm not one of those 5'7",90 pounds anorexic girls complaining about looking like an elephant (no offense to them, I don't know what they're going through.) I've checked my BMI 100 times over and over, and I even had to double check. It's that bad.
2) I'm ugly. I'm not even "plain" or "okay" I'm ugly. The last time I was called pretty by someone other than [lying] family and friend(s) was when I was 6. I'm 14/15 now.
3) I'm stupid. I feel like I'm smart, but for one reason I can't release it. To be honest, I have to dumb myself down in every situation. I play the dumb one in my group of friends which pisses me off, but what can I do? If I try to speak articulately, I'll just get ignored (like usual.)
4) I hate being my race. I hate the stereotypes that follow it and I hate alot of people in it. I've always wished that I could be another race but that isn't possible. I also hate being in this skin, with the color.
5) I have no talents. None, nada, zero, etc. I can't do anything good. I suck at everything athletic, academic, creativity. It's like in heaven they were like:
"Hey shouldn't we give atleast one good thing to this baby?"
"Naahhhhh, we don't have time. Just group her in with the other losers-to-be."
5) My family is broken up. Me and my two siblings are all from different mothers. My dad doesn't live at home with me any more. He says that he's moved because he's in debt and stuff, but I'm sure the fact that he and my mom don't love achother anymore helps. My older brother who used to always bring me out of bad moods is now many fars away and is living with his mom (she has heart problems.) I haven't seen my little sister in over a year. The perfect family, eh?
This one will have some cursing and I'm not sure if swear words are filtered out of the text on this forum, so be warned.
6) My social life is beyond pitiful. I hate to curse but I have to say it, I get treated like shit. Plain and simple. My classmates ignore me and walk all over me. My "friends" treat me like an idiot and walk all over me too. I have no guys friends. No matter how much I try I can never be up to standards. All my friends are more liked than me and there is no one that I can relate to. Whenever a "friend" comes in the room, they'll walk right b me and hug everyone else. Even my teachers don't get it. No one does.
No it doesn not get better! It stays the fucking same. And I'm too fucking tired of this! Too fucking tired! I'm crying as I write this but does any one care? No! Why not? Because I'm a fucking worthless dipshit and deserve to be nothing. Which-guess what? I am. I'm useless. Just a bag of crap is what I am. I'm tired of crying and woshing for better. I'm tired of coming home everyday after school and screaming and bleeding my eyes ot because I had to go though the same crap again. I can't trus anybody anymore. Are they really as nice as they seem. Of course not. They are all just fake and are waiting for me to get attached so then they can just ditch me and treat me like dirt. I've NEVER done anything wrong! I sit at night alone and ask God what I've done to deserve this! I try to be nice and kind and nonviolent but then everybody still leaves or pushes me back down. Did I do something horrible in my past lives? I know I don't have it the worst but does that still mean that I have to suffer with what I have? It shouldn't. That's why I want to die so badly. I've given up hope. It's so laughable. Serioulsy, hope for what? Hope to ge fatter? Get no guy? Get no love? Get no kids? Get no respec. Get dumber? Get more teasing? Get more people to leave me? I'm tired of all of this. I know it's sick but lately I've been fantasizing about the counltess ways to kill myself. And don't even get me started on the suicide note. Everybody that's ever hurt me will be emphasized and have their name underlined, bolded, italicized- the whole deal. I'll make sure that even though they wont get charged for my death, they will still have a guilt to live with. Maybe they'll learn to stop being assholes. Or maybe they just wont care at all. Maybe they'll just ask "Marissa, who?" It's not like I wasn't dead already. :laugh: Hah! This is all too good isn't it?
I don't know when I'll kill myself. I'm pretty much out of the deciding phase. um. I'' still wait it oout to see if anythiing "gets better" (please.) But If it doesn't then I guess I'll stop being a burden to anyone else.
Don't worry (if anyone even cares..) I wont do anything now, but who knows. I surely dont. Thanks for reading, I guess.
{Edit}
If anyone would like to p.m. or instant message me (on msn or aim) I would really appreciate it. Just tell me. Thanks again.
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