Good evening, sorry its a bit long...well I was just listening to Queen "The show must go on" and I just love the lyrics, especially the line "Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile, still, stays on!" It fits perfectly the situation I am in. Since the last time I opened a new topic I have indeed changed... to the worse. I have been depressed and suicidal for at least eight years now, but now I have also been diagnosed with Nazisstic Personal Disorder, a Schizoid Personal Disorder and I am also paranoid. One psychologist even said that I am Borderline. Nice...so many personality disorders plus suicidal feelings and depression. This, my personality disorders, my depression, my violent childhood and everything that resulted out of it have destroyed my life. I am only 23, but I dont remember any happieness in my life. Someone like me cannot have any relationships or friends, so I am alone as I have always been. Many people want to be my friends, everyone I know thinks that I have no reason to be unlucky. I have everything to lead a happy life. But they don't know the face behind the mask, they don't know my past. I cannot feel joy, sorrow, pain, empathy for myself or others and I look down on others who have feelings. At the same times I hate them for it and I try to destroy their luck. Guess I am envious of others. Why should they enjoy happiness and a nice life? When I get up in the morning, the only thing I can see is hatred and that's usually the only feeling I direct against people. Hatred because they are what I cannot be, hatred because they had a nice childhood...disdain for their tears, and their "weaknesses", but in the end its always me and only me who is lonley. I am very successful in making other people believe how lucky and happy I am, how I have eveything under control, how perfect my life is...but its nothing but a fasade. I have been in therapy for some time, but it did not help. Ten psychologist could not help me. I have been trying to find a way to carry on for the last eight years, but every year brought me closer to death, closer to the fact that I do not want to find a way anymore. I have given up my therapy now. I am too tired for everything. The eight years have been useful neverthless, because I needed the time to think about what I really want and to do a lot of research on certain methods... I am now pretty sure that death is my only solution. On the otherside I sometimes think, damn I am only 23, how can I give up, I am going to die soon enough...but everday is a torture, how can I endure for another 60 years?