Inside my heart is breaking...but my smile still stays on.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shi, Jun 27, 2010.

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  1. Shi

    Shi Active Member

    Good evening,

    sorry its a bit long...well I was just listening to Queen "The show must go on" and I just love the lyrics, especially the line "Inside my heart is breaking, my make-up may be flaking, but my smile, still, stays on!" It fits perfectly the situation I am in. Since the last time I opened a new topic I have indeed changed... to the worse.

    I have been depressed and suicidal for at least eight years now, but now I have also been diagnosed with Nazisstic Personal Disorder, a Schizoid Personal Disorder and I am also paranoid. One psychologist even said that I am Borderline. many personality disorders plus suicidal feelings and depression.

    This, my personality disorders, my depression, my violent childhood and everything that resulted out of it have destroyed my life. I am only 23, but I dont remember any happieness in my life.

    Someone like me cannot have any relationships or friends, so I am alone as I have always been. Many people want to be my friends, everyone I know thinks that I have no reason to be unlucky. I have everything to lead a happy life. But they don't know the face behind the mask, they don't know my past.

    I cannot feel joy, sorrow, pain, empathy for myself or others and I look down on others who have feelings. At the same times I hate them for it and I try to destroy their luck. Guess I am envious of others. Why should they enjoy happiness and a nice life?

    When I get up in the morning, the only thing I can see is hatred and that's usually the only feeling I direct against people. Hatred because they are what I cannot be, hatred because they had a nice childhood...disdain for their tears, and their "weaknesses", but in the end its always me and only me who is lonley. I am very successful in making other people believe how lucky and happy I am, how I have eveything under control, how perfect my life is...but its nothing but a fasade.

    I have been in therapy for some time, but it did not help. Ten psychologist could not help me. I have been trying to find a way to carry on for the last eight years, but every year brought me closer to death, closer to the fact that I do not want to find a way anymore. I have given up my therapy now. I am too tired for everything.

    The eight years have been useful neverthless, because I needed the time to think about what I really want and to do a lot of research on certain methods... I am now pretty sure that death is my only solution.

    On the otherside I sometimes think, damn I am only 23, how can I give up, I am going to die soon enough...but everday is a torture, how can I endure for another 60 years?
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Shi. You're filled with too much hatred my friend. It's not healthy for you to have so much hatred bottled up inside. You need to release these negative feelings that you have for other people, before they turn into negative actions towards other people. Don't hate people for having the things that you would like to have. Instead, use them as something that you would like to aspire to. They have what you want, which is a happy life and an emotional existence. Don't look down on them. Aspire to be like them. Suicide is not the answer. :hug:
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