Insight, please.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by dnE ehT, Apr 8, 2011.

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  1. dnE ehT

    dnE ehT Well-Known Member

    My entire life, I've been emotionally numb, not void, just numb. Very few things actually give me pleasure, and I don't feel particularly strongly about anything.

    It's taken a while to realize this.
    Last year, I had a long episode of depression with suicidal ideation. The odd part is that the suicidal thoughts came first, then the depression manifested (because I thought it should have?). Even stranger, While feeling intensely sad, it felt just as good (because I was feeling something). People noticed that I was depressed, but I never told them the full extent of what I felt.

    I've since recovered, and have returned to my normal self. My question is, what are some possible reasons for being so unmoved? Why do I have to emulate excitement and sometimes emotion?
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    childhood trauma? maybe you were never nourished emotionally, never taught about feelings, what they are, how to identify them, and what the difference is between them.

    this is something i'm only learning now, in therapy. before that i was numb. for years...
  3. dnE ehT

    dnE ehT Well-Known Member

    No trauma that I remember.
    I was hugged and told that I was loved every single day as a child.
    I don't remember explicitly being told about feelings, but I've always known about them, I just can't tell if what I feel is real.

    I created a topic a few days ago thinking I had aspergers. The anxiety, depression, low empathy, and difficulty with emotion had me thinking that was it. Although the "emotional blindness", and social difficulties confirmed it was not.

    I've also looked at psychopathy, and while my mental state shares alot of similarities, my behavioral patterns are nothing like what people describe. There's far too many inconsistencies and contradictions about the disorder for me to draw any conclusions.

    Did you ever figure out why you were numb?
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think i was numb because of my crappy childhood. alcoholic father. abused mother. sexually abused from a young age. blah blah blah. i never felt safe growing up, never had a clue how to feel anything but frightened. i was self harming in response to the numbness from about age 13, and first suicide attempt a few years later. i was so disconnected from the planet i thought, truly, that i was in a play with actors (other people in my life were actors) and that to get back to my planet i had to kill myself. what a shock when i woke up after my attempt and i was still on planet earth.

    are you seeing a therapist? maybe a good therapist can help you figure this one out. you're right, sounds a little like aspergers but i guess not in all ways. it's complicated but worth sorting out.
  5. dnE ehT

    dnE ehT Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that.
    I created a parallel thread on psychforums. One member seems to think that I'm a schizoid. Like I'm "empathetically apathetic", simply out of tune with conscience and emotion. That's how I feel. Feeling this way doesn't bother me, but just knowing why is what I wanted to know. I've seen therapists before and I can never articulate my thoughts or feelings well enough to get anything out of the sessions.
  6. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    the mere fact that you care about not caring means you care and i'm not being all philosophical on you. you do care, you're just masking it out.

    there are probable reasons for masking your emotions or protecting such as fear brought about by a painful experience. It could be that you are identifying being emotional to a traumatic experience.

    but you will never really know until you get professional help.
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Diagnosis by cyber can be costly...if you are concerned, see a skillful professional who can guide you and provide the information and care you need...J
  8. dnE ehT

    dnE ehT Well-Known Member

    I recognize that, which is why I'm here.

    I said I had no traumatic experiences, but I used to have a form of ocd where I'd remember embarrassing, shameful events of almost no significance to anyone else, but they would eat away at me. I couldn't stop thinking about them for years until I just stopped feeling bad about any of it, or really anything else.


    I don't think it will necessary.
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