insignificant complaints

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fragilelittlething, Jan 31, 2008.

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  1. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    I feel like such a whiny little kid right now. I want to talk about how I feel but how can I do so without feeling guilty for what I feel? Especially when my ex sits there and says things to me that only make me feel even more guilty for speaking?!

    Telling me how he can't focus on work because I've angered him yet again (because for some reason I can't stop myself from picking meaningless fights with him), telling me I need to stop being so sensitive, telling me to just get over it.

    Well, hell if it were that easy dont you think I would be there by now? No, wait. That's right. I'm too much of a weak, pathetic person to actually do what any normal person could do and just look at things from a rational and reasonable point of view instead of always crying over spilled milk.

    And it kills me how far apart we've grown and how little he cares over the loss of my friendship. Just reinforces my feelings of insignifigance.

    This is petty, I know this is petty. It's a weak excuse to want to die. Or maybe it's just the last straw.

    Nobody needs me. I like being needed.

    What would be a good enough excuse to be suicidal I wonder? I mean, I hear people on this site say how something is a weak excuse to want to kill yourself and I'm just wondering what would be reason enough? When is your life that bad that people can go "Okay, I understand why you want to do it now. Proceed."

    I'm getting off-topic. I'm jumping around.

    All I wanted was for him to care. Just to act like he cared. Offer me sympathy or empathy. Conjure up some emotion remotely resembling love. Not disgust. Not apathy. Did I honestly think I was worth any more than that to him though?

    I'm sorry. I'm jumping through so many different emotions and thoughts right now and it's hard to even slow down enough to make sense. The only reason not to do it would be for my mom. I don't want to hurt anyone. Is there a way to die without harming anyone?

    Maybe if I yelled and screamed and broke things and acted like a rabid animal they would say 'it was for the best'. Then they could rest at ease thinking I was in a better place. It's considered humane to kill an animal that is in too much pain, isn't it? Or one that is a danger to those you love. I could become that animal and then they would be grateful.

    If it were an 'accident' they wouldn't blame themselves. I'm just a drain..financial, emotional drain. I'm not a very rewarding person to be around. Logically, there isn't much of a reason for them to want me other than their own possible guilt because of silly morals that dicate to them that because I am their child they should be upset should I die no matter what I do.

    Is it odd that I think those morals should only be disregarded when it comes to me?

    I think I've had enough. Obviously I am a weak person anyway otherwise I wouldn't allow these things to get to me. Obviously I am a weak person otherwise I wouldn't allow my ex to make me cry like this again. I would be able to hold in the tears, suck it up and smile. I would write the essay for the scholarship like a good little girl instead of chatting about my nonexistent problems on a suicide forum.

    Is it weakness or courage that takes the final ending of ones own life? I think it depends on which you fear worse, life or death. Well, let me tell you, life is pretty damn scary to me right now.

    So following that vien of thought I should follow through with my own weakness and die. Instead of being smart and doing my school work, I should add to my own destruction. I should finish off this wine. I should take the bottle of pills.

    I refrain from going back and IMing him which would only make him angry. Usually I would talk to him to save myself...tell him that I was suicidal and I needed him to talk me out of it. But he is busy and I have wasted enough of his time. I'm a burden.

    Who is the injured animal here? Is it me or is it those I inflict myself upon? Should I kill myself to stop my suffering or to stop theirs? Which is the most humane thing? What does it matter? They both end the same.

    I'm sorry for wasting your time. I think I'm trying to talk myself out of it by posting but honestly, I don't know that it's possible. Our voices are redudant when we all say the same thing but I think I will add to the noise anyway. I'm in pain. I'm going to put a bandaid on it and fix it. I'm sorry.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm so sorry that you are suffering such pain and doing it alone. Please realize that you are not weak. You had the strength to post your feelings, something many others could never do. And that there is an inner strength that is keeping you from ending it all. It brought you to SF and has made it possible for you to connect with others here that know the pain you are burdened with. Keep posting and hopefully it will help to encourage that inner strength to grow.
     
  3. perdurabo

    perdurabo New Member

  4. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    He and I talked and he just left. Signed off without saying goodbye. Fucking asshole.

    (have had some wine, so forgive me for typos or nonsensicle sentence structure)

    How could he just abandone me like that? Do I matter so little. The one person I thought cared about me, who told me he loved me for two years...and now he couldn't care less what happens to me. How can people be so hearless?

    If this is humanity...if this is life...I want nothing to do with it. To keep going through the process of trusting and depending just to be thrown to the side.

    God I'm so stupid. Well, screw this. It's not like I matter anyway.
     
  5. fragilelittlething

    fragilelittlething Active Member

    Great. Just fucking great. Now he says he's going to call his mom who is a nuse tomorrow and tell her that I am suicidal and depressed and try to get her to get me a therapist.

    I dont want my ex's MOTHER to know about this! I shouldn't have said anything to him. Why do I always do that? I'm like a drowning person. I'm grabbing out to the person closest to me to keep afloat...in the meantime I'm drowning those around me. So apparently I've overwhelmed him. Why can't I just learn to keep my mouth shut? Just keep it all inside?

    I pleaded with him and then asked for one last chance and he agreed..sort of. I dont know. I think he was lying to make me let it go and feel falsely safe. I'm such an idiot. Well, that's it. From now on I'm not trusting anyone. I'm leaving him alone. Anyone I make friends with I'll be all smile and happiness. I'll go back to my old position of being everybody else's therapist. People dont want to play the role of therapist, they dont want to help you with your problems. They just want somebody to listen to them. That's the lesson I've learned from this.

    I'm done.

    Sorry for anyone who was caught in the crossfire.
     
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