Inspired by tragedy

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MyCatWillMissMe, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    It's pretty clear that there's something wrong with me. I'm competent enough to recognize evil, but all the recent public attacks really amaze me. Something about hurting people, physically, who are having fun and living a happy life makes me feel good about myself. It's like an addiction. I've been getting drunk at bars just looking to get in fights. I hurt someone badly and have no idea what happened to him. It is the greatest feeling of control and release of frustration I've ever experienced and I only feel alive if I'm kicking someone's teeth in. I want them to feel the pain I feel and end their happiness.
     
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I guess, it's sort of like revenge, you want to hurt someone who's life appears to be perfect. Can you tell a counsellor about this. Something like this has the potential to get you in a lot of trouble.
     
  3. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I know it sounds bad but I really don't think I'm a bad person. I would never hurt a woman or a child and I think people who do are cowards. Maybe it is some kind of revenge but then why do I only target other men? There are plenty of women I know that I can't stand and I wish their world would come crumbling down and I would feel no remorse for these people.
     
  4. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I wonder if you only target other men because maybe hurting one of them will allow you to take their place.
     
  5. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    I don't think there is something wrong with you at all. Though the vast majority of people don't admit it, everyone has instinctual urges to hurt a person at some point in their life. It's a feeling and an urge, our logic and rationality from our frontal lobe suppresses these urges that belong in the instinctual part of our brain. But, sometimes our emotions outweigh that logic and we lash out. It happens to all of us. But, enough with the science lesson. I think you maybe you might just have suppressed urges of anger you should address. When I was a teen, I used to be quite aggressive and angry too. I HIGHLY recommend you to invest in a punching bag or punching dummy if you have not already. And to pick up a combat sport or martial art such as boxing and hit the gym. Having the punching bag in my teens was the best decision I had ever made, it worked wonders for me. Just punch, kick, slap the living daylights out of it and pretend it's someone you hate, if you must. It WILL tire you out. I still use one to cope to this day. It's a positive outlet, you can get fit, learn some self-defence and emotional control. If that doesn't work and you "lust" for more, then you can always compete in a combat sport, in a legal and safe environment. I personally did and loved every second of it. I hope this helps.
     
  6. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    A punching bag would be great to have when I get in my new place but that's a few months away still. As far as combat sports, I watch enough UFC to not want to get my ass kicked by MMA tryhards, lol.
     
  7. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    Have you tried going to a fighting gym to not compete, but just to exercise? At least for the time being? Not all of them are competitive, some facilities just provide you with all the equipment and you can do your own thing or in a group. That's assuming you have the funds for it and if there are any around your local area.
     
  8. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    To be honest I just have zero interest to go. Just going to the grocery store feels like I just worked a 10 hour shift because I'm so drained emotionally that it affects me physically. I get a great feeling of adrenaline when hitting drunks at bars but beyond that I really can barely get out of bed. Currently I'm not working and on SSI because I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm just so over this life, the loss of my ex, my friends, my family....I'm just so alone and so sad.
     
  9. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    That's no problem, I understand that feeling. Please do keep my suggestion in mind for the future though when you do have the motivation, I don't think anyone here wants you to get in trouble or hurt. Sorry to hear you're going through all that. Just remember you have the support here at any time. It's important to not blame yourself and learn to let go. I feel from your posts that you just hold onto a lot of your past pains that's blocking any energy or motivation for the present. It's normal, you're just recovering from unpleasant past events. Give it time and try not to shoulder the past and to focus on the future. Your situation is not permanent and maybe when you get your new place, things might change. May I also suggest meditation and ASMR? If you can't be bothered to get out of bed at the current time? Maybe they might work for you. Just remember you are a completely normal and sane person, just going through the rough patches in their life. I don't think you're a "bad" person at all.
     
  10. tireedd

    tireedd Member

    Seek professional help.I am truly sorry you feel this way, I have felt like that as well.It's really hard, exhausting and miserable.I want to help.Please send me a message.

    I also have thoughts about beating the crap out of some people who destroy everything in their path and who made my life a living hell, screwed me over.Try some anger management techniques.Think about how fun it would be to take kickboxing, muay thai etc classes.Just don't go overboard.Find motivation, it's gonna be fun if you think it's going to be.Continue playing video games (moderately), you can fight and kill there to release some steam.I like to play Skyrim for the fireballs and icy spears, The Witcher 3, League of Legends.And stop getting drunk, it will ruin you.You are not ruined yet.You really need to talk to somebody...
     
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