Was half way to jumping out the window just a few minutes ago. Just feel like the need to die is catching up on me again. I dunno, i've wanted to for so long, but sometimes it feels so real, like i'm going to be able to make it happen this time. Right now its all i can think about, have tried to distract myself, tried to think about other things, but i can't get it to work. I know there are reasons there, reasons to die, and reasons to live, but none of it matters, just that instinct to try and kill myself. I guess i call it instinct, because at this stage, no thought seems to go into it. Just seems to be something i have to do, like go to the toilet, or scratch an itch. Really not sure what to do.