Instinct to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deleted SKU, Aug 14, 2010.

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  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Was half way to jumping out the window just a few minutes ago. Just feel like the need to die is catching up on me again. I dunno, i've wanted to for so long, but sometimes it feels so real, like i'm going to be able to make it happen this time. Right now its all i can think about, have tried to distract myself, tried to think about other things, but i can't get it to work. I know there are reasons there, reasons to die, and reasons to live, but none of it matters, just that instinct to try and kill myself. I guess i call it instinct, because at this stage, no thought seems to go into it. Just seems to be something i have to do, like go to the toilet, or scratch an itch. Really not sure what to do.
     
  2. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you've come here rather then give up immediately.
    A lot of people feel that instinct at some point, most of us here feel it more often then others. The key is to think, to take another minute and think of reasons why to continue.
    You'll have heard this before, but we can all come up with hundreds of reasons to give up, but death is the end, if there's even the slightest thing to hold onto, it's worth holding on.

    What's wrong, maybe talking to us might help?
     
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Right now, nothing particular is wrong, thats what i meant by instinct really. That its a reaction to nothing, just a feeling that i have to do it. Like an itch, you either scratch it or you don't, but its still there. Right now its separate from reason, there is no reason for it or against it, just an impulse to do it.
     
  4. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Sometimes that's the most confusing part I suppose. Without reason, the feelings can remain and you just can't face going on.
    All I can say is that it is an instinct, and whilst it seems right, it is worth not doing anything impulsive based on it.
    I consistently feel low, it never ends, but I've tried to keep going. I've stumbled recently, and tried to 'scratch that itch' recently. It wasn't the right thing to do at the time (particularly because I failed to do it right), so please don't do anything impulsive.
    Feel free to talk through things anytime you want.
     
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, hang around friends or even one person who cares about you. Don't be alone, if you can't find someone to go visit or who can drop by, then call someone on the phone. Connect with someone who is supportive.

    Be kind to yourself and take care of the little child within you.:hugtackles:
     
  6. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    Hey hun :hug: I hope you're okay. I'm sorry you're feeling so down at the moment. If you need someone to talk to, i'm here. :hug: just a PM away. :)
     
  7. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The only support i have really is on here, no-one in real life would be there for me. The difficulty is i don't feel any more down than usual, and the feeling of suicide is far stronger than it usually is feeling this way, in that i actually feel like i might do it this time, rather than just feeling like i want to, or that i should do it. And because there aren't any feelings stronger than usual there, there is nothing that i feel the need to talk about particularly, or anything causing the issue, so i really just don't know what to do.
     
  8. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but maybe you can look into getting some therapy or something? and if you think you're really going to do it, maybe you can call a suicide hotline? I know that's not what you want to hear, but you deserve to live just as much as the rest of us. You deserve to be happy and have the rest of your life to look forward to.
     
  9. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Is it a compulsion to kill yourself or actual feelings of depression?
     
  10. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    At the moment, therapy isn't an option (don't have the money, and can't get it on the health service here, have looked into it). And suicide hotlines are useless, have tried the samaritans in the past, and they just made things feel worse. Have been through all the options i can think of, and nothing works.
    As for the impulse, it seems to have subsided a little, things are a little easier to manage. Guess the same old crap in my life is at least predictable.
     
  11. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The compulsion was to kill myself, regardless of feelings, which is why it was difficult to control. The same as an itch, its hard to stop yourself scratch, but you can for a while. I'm not sure exactly what to call things, my feelings fluctuate, some things are more difficult than they should be, so not sure whether to call it depression in a clinical sense, though what i feel a lot of the time does match the description.
     
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