Intense anger

Discussion in 'Bullying and Violence' started by carebear32, Aug 27, 2012.

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  1. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    I tried not to think about it, until my therapist mentioned it. I keep my anger pretty much well hidden, but they're always there just waiting to erupt. I was teased and bullied all through high school, and who was the leader of the pack? - my brother. I was barked at, had other animal sounds cast my way, called a baboon and in general put down whenever I had to say a speech in front of the class. I even had one of my brother's friends pull out my chair from under me causing me to crash to the ground and he'd laugh himself silly.

    Anywho, long story short, I believed my brother had grown out of it, until he started working with us in the family business. It was ok at first then his girlfriend joined as well and it didn't take long for them to find or create any situation to get me into trouble, they even started lying about me, which lead to me getting fired. I guess I never got over my anger towards my brother, but because my self esteem has been ironed like a steam roller, I've never been able to tell him exactly what I think of him. I turn my anger inward and tend to punish myself instead. I just feel really angry right now.
     
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    I took an anger management course, because I felt like how you are feeling now. I felt like everything was making me angry, and I just felt hurt that I was even becoming such an angry person in the first place.

    I learned a few things in this course that I would like to share with you. The first, is that such anger is a response to a deeper emotion. Anger that comes out frequently is often the result of a complex. A complex is a type of ego that we all have, which comes up when we are triggered. The purpose of our complex is to protect.

    Anger, for example, when it comes up from a complex, is there to protect a deeper concern or problem, and it's job is to destroy the trigger. Anger will often come up abruptly and explode, perhaps inside you, or with words, or with physical aggression, or argumentative states etc.... in order to try and scare the trigger away, and in order to try and stop the trigger from harming you.

    In other words, the more angry you feel yourself growing, the more deep the real issue that is bothering you is. Anger is an indication that you need to look inside of yourself and do some searching, because it's a response, again, to a deeper problem. It could be hiding something, it could be something that you avoid, it could be something that you buried and thought you were over.

    The word anger actually comes from another word, which meant "to grieve"; I.E. when you are angry, it's because you are actually grieving something. It is perhaps something that you have yet to properly address as a loss, or perhaps something that you still have not properly grieved.

    Part of transforming this anger into something constructive, and taking control of your feelings again, is finding out what the actual problem really is, that your anger is masking. It may take some self questioning/meditation; or may take some more counselling. But you should begin to start asking yourself what you are truly angry about, look at your triggers and think about what they relate back to, and begin to pay attention to when you start to feel angry, and take note of what kinds of things make you feel that way.

    This is a start to at least managing the anger. Left alone on it's own, it will only grow, because it is your body and mind telling you that you have an intense need to address something very personal, and it will only yell louder, and become more extreme until you stop and take a look at what the real cause is.

    (I actually have more information than this, but it's sitting in a shed locked up somewhere, because my brother decided to put it there when he evicted me this weekend).
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2012
  3. Jack Rabbit

    Jack Rabbit Well-Known Member

    I'd put my sister up against your brother, any day. But that's another story. Your first mistake was allowing yourself to get involved with the cretin again. Now that you're away from your family count your blessings and don't look back.
    I advise you to let go of the hatred, because it is more corrosive to you than to your brother. At the same time I have to admit that I have not done so myself. But I have put up a firewall between my birth family and my family - my wife and children. It may not, no, is not, an optimal solution, but it's the best I've come up with.
    Live for your own sake, nobody elses.
     
  4. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    Omw! I'm sorry that you got evicted by your brother, Samara :hug: and I thought it was just my brother, I'm glad I don't live with him.

    For the most part, I avoid my brother and his girlfriend like the plague. Had to see them last Tuesday, because my dad was in town. Do they know how to put on a good act in front of dad.

    This time of year seems to bring out a fair amount of anger and to a degree I do know why, but there's nothing I can do about it. Last year I almost destroyed myself because of my inner conflict.
     
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    My brother as well, puts on this act, it's so phony. Wants to act like he is perfect, and nice, and genuine; and makes the other person look like a bad person in the process. I call this behaviour psychopathic, though that is quite a strong term for me to use, I do intently feel that it really is the most fitting word for my brother; and possibly yours as well.

    And they never seem to think they are doing anything wrong, or that anything is wrong with them; it's always something wrong with everyone else but themselves.

    As for your inner conflict, I understand, but is perhaps some of that coming from your inability to accept and forgive yourself?
     
  6. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    I would have to agree, you've pretty much described my brother. He thinks he's always right, his opinion is the only one that matters, oh and what he says is law sort of thing. The psychiatrist has diagnosed him with ADHD and given him medication for it, which he refuses to take.

    You got it in one. It is true that I hate and have never forgiven myself for all that I've been through in my life. I believe that it was all my fault. I must have asked for everything I got, why else would it have happened?
     
  7. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    The thing about things happening is not whether or not you ask for it; but whether or not other people feel they can just do what they want, like your brother.

    He probably thinks he doesn't have anything mentally wrong with him, and is not taking the ADHD medication, because he doesn't think he has that problem, and doesn't think that he is someone who has anything odd going on in his head.

    Obviously, that is not true, everyone has their own mental and emotional demons. But he is someone who basically probably picked on you, because he saw in you, what he was afraid to admit might be within himself. What I am saying here, in this case, is not that you are asking for anything.... but in his case, you are sooooo much like him... but he doesn't want to be who he is.

    He doesn't want to be seen as the guy with ADHD, or mental problems, or the guy who struggles etc... he does not want to be that person, doesn't want anyone to think that...is in utter denial etc...

    That means that anytime he encounters someone who remotely reminds him of what he fears being or becoming himself, he attacks that person. He will mock that person, tear them down, insult them, laugh at them, name call, belittle etc... and will get others to do it too. Like hey, look at those flaws, and faults... how dare they show themselves.

    But do you see how ridiculous that actually is? To sit around and pick on somebody or point out the least best parts of another person? Obviously that is nuts too... and anyone doing that has some serious psychological issues. But that is not your fault, or your asking... that is this person's fault now, and this person's asking, and this person's doing... that is what that person wants, so that they don't have to look at themselves, or have to think about that.

    Trying to destroy those things in other people, is their way of never having to think that they are this way. If they can laugh at you, or make fun of you for it, it must mean then, that they are not similar to you, or don't have any of the problems they seem to point out you have.

    But as the saying goes "we see in others, that which is already within us"... he can really only ever notice your flaws, if he actually already was beyond intimately familiar with them to begin with. how can he notice something if he never knew about it in the first place? for him to know about what is wrong with you, according to him, he'd have to have had experiences before where he was told that is wrong, or felt he was wrong for the same reasons.

    Again, not something you ask for. Not something you deserve. Not something that is your fault.

    This is what we call flaws of another being projected onto you.. and that person is a coward, who dumps all their BS on others, just so they don't have to face it. I imagine your brother has dumped on other people too... not just you.
     
  8. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    It's taken me a while to think this all through. If anyone has anger issues it's my brother. When he gets angry he punches things. He once punched a hole in his office door. As a child when he failed a level of a game he was playing he bit into and tore a chunk of a mousepad. He was the reason my mother was hospitalized last year. He's still throwing his weight around, but I have no contact with him or his girlfriend anymore. One year the office got broken into, it wouldn't surprise me if I got the blame for it.
     
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