Having really extreme pangs of sadness and tears, so bad that I can't move physically. It hurts so much, especially when there is no reason at present to hurt. Yesterday was the first time I had felt comfortable in a social situation for years. I was myself and I actually genuinely felt happy. For one day, I was me again. I am talking about my mother in laws wedding where I was a bridesmaid and I was actually dreading the event. Today, however, I got home and was just hit by these intense pangs of sadness and hurt. I have realised that I am constantly fed up of getting up and dusting myself down after falling down a big hole. Every time I fall, I fall harder and deeper. When it gets better, it gets 10x worse. There is only so many times I can keep trying and getting up. This also made me realise that I will most likely not even be here to see my own wedding, because I think I will do something before then, which breaks my heart because my fiance is the love of my life and my soul mate and the pain I will leave him will be horrendous. But I know he will eventually move on, and have a happy life and will be able to fulfill his dreams without some mental headcase constantly dragging him down.