Intense Emotions

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Apr 1, 2012.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Having really extreme pangs of sadness and tears, so bad that I can't move physically. It hurts so much, especially when there is no reason at present to hurt. Yesterday was the first time I had felt comfortable in a social situation for years. I was myself and I actually genuinely felt happy. For one day, I was me again. I am talking about my mother in laws wedding where I was a bridesmaid and I was actually dreading the event.

    Today, however, I got home and was just hit by these intense pangs of sadness and hurt. I have realised that I am constantly fed up of getting up and dusting myself down after falling down a big hole. Every time I fall, I fall harder and deeper. When it gets better, it gets 10x worse. There is only so many times I can keep trying and getting up. This also made me realise that I will most likely not even be here to see my own wedding, because I think I will do something before then, which breaks my heart because my fiance is the love of my life and my soul mate and the pain I will leave him will be horrendous. But I know he will eventually move on, and have a happy life and will be able to fulfill his dreams without some mental headcase constantly dragging him down.
     
  2. laylou

    laylou Active Member

    I understand how hard it is when your being ripped apart on the inside.
    all I can say is cling to your fiancée and a dream of your future together.
    what if he doesn't get over it.
     
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Lexi do not know you well enuf yet to really even know how to help you.. Your post is full of despair and you are giving up.. If you got some professional think you really need to talk and open up with them.. Take care please. Jim
     
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    The professionals are not interested in helping me. I've tried for over a year using all sorts of routes, but the people who can really help dont take me seriously. When I OD or harm myself I have to come out with it, almost like I am proud of it and they don't even bat an eyelid. I am full of despair, I am riddled with it. I am at a point where I don't know where to turn. I want to have a future, my future looks bright with hindsight. But what can you do when you are someone who has everything, a loving family, the best fiance a girl could ever have, a job you absolutely love, roof over your head, been reasonably financially stable, but still have the inability to feel any sort of happiness. And that's what breaks me and tears me apart inside.
     
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