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Intense Loneliness

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Matthew Barber, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. Matthew Barber

    Matthew Barber Well-Known Member

    Ever since birth, I remember being friendless, I had people I could speak to, that I classified as "friends", but never anyone my age that I could actually trust.

    I'll admit, I don't help myself much, I barely ever go out, I avoid speaking to alot of people, and when I do, I seem to naturally put them in the most awkward positions ever.

    That's why I developed voices, why I began to speak to inanimate objects. I just feel, so completely devoid of companionship, and whenever I try to gain it, I always end up with just another "friend".

    I'll admit it, I'm a manipulative bastard. I test people that I know, and after testing every single one of the people that I had any social connection to... every single one of them did the exact same thing.

    I told them fabricated stories, then told them that I can't have anyone else knowing, they were all coherent, just in case two people came in contact.

    So I made 40 fake facebook accounts, and I spoke to every single one trying to get this "information" out of them.

    Every single one blabbed, some to more than one person. They didn't question it. They just told me what I had said, threw in some extra stuff, and then I had a very in-depth conversation with each one about how "****ing weird" Matthew is.

    Pffft. I don't need friends though. I have...errrr...my shovel...and...you guys...one the other side of the world...that I barely know...

    Yeah, my life is kind of disappointing.
  2. AJE

    AJE Well-Known Member

    Hi mate
    Sounds like u are in low place right now.
    Have u ever tried just being yourself with these people u know?
    We all fabricate things to a degree to make us sound more interesting, I think that's just human nature.
    Start to make friends online then progress to actually meeting some of them.
    Join online clubs that interest u, maybe hobbies u like etc:
    There is always people on here to chat to, they are a good bunch who really do care.
    Look after yourself.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I think you'd benefit from meeting people who have the same interests as you, you sound very intelligent and I have always found great people among others with a 'bit of brain' to them... I mostly surround myself with 'geeks' and 'nerds' (mind you in my world those words are highly positive. They are some of the most real people I have ever met and there is no need to test them.

    Try not to analyze people too much... I know how tempting it is, but in the end as you are aware it leaves you lonely because you don't trust anyone if you start out by testing them in such a way that you do.

    Take good care of yourself!
  4. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Oh yes, I have been making up stories for years when talking with people! I kind of learned to not do it anymore. But I can understand that one can feel compelled to do so when there doesn't seem to be anything more interesting to talk about. These days I mostly bore people with real stuff but occasionally I still find myself exaggerating stuff or being imprecise when talking just for the sake of talking sometimes.

    Now I guess testing people like this is seems a bit drastic. Makes me wonder if you even give people a chance to show you something else than what you saw. I don't intend to sound judgemental but to me it sounds like you set this test up for the people to end up disappointing you... I mean I don't know what you told them exactly but if it was obvious you made the story up I can see that people would go asking their friends if you also told them weird stories like that. Of course if you were to tell something serious it sure wouldn't be nice for people to spread stuff. I have some friends I told stupid stuff that really happened to me and the other day the whole school knew but whenever I told them something actually serious they never spread it around.

    Don't give up, maybe right now you only see in people the bad things you want to see in them, but not all people are necessarily bad and friendships can make life a lot more enjoyable.