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Intentionally Blank


Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
You can't get hurt if you don't put yourself out there and take any chances. I know that living in a shell isn't really living. But my fantasy is better than reality.

When you say you know someone, what does that mean? Does that mean you know who they are? Versus knowing them as the person society wants them to be? There's a big difference. How many of us have gone through parts of our life being intentionally blank? At school, work, around your family? How many of us become intentionally blank every time we leave our home?

I never wanted to be intentionally blank. But that's what I ended up becoming. My fantasy is to no longer be intentionally blank.

But a fantasy shouldn't be something as simple as that. It should be a dream. Because dreams can eventually come true. Fantasies don't. Fantasies are usually not within reach, like being a superhero. If I were Autumn in real-life, I'd fantasize about being Wonder Woman. Strength, love, beauty, grace, justice, everything she epitomizes. My fantasy shouldn't be, being the person I am here outside of my home. But it is.

"Outside the dawn is breaking, but inside in the dark I'm naked to be free." "The Show Must Go On," one my favorite Queen songs. For me, Queen can always sum it up best.

The other night, the cashier that rang up my purchase was a young woman, probably in her 20s. She was so kind, so cool, just, really nice. She was softly singing along to Jimmy Buffet's "Wasted Away in Margaritaville." Dancing a little. Her attitude, her kindness, telling me to stay safe as I left, really touched me. But it also made me incredibly sad. I realized a long time ago that being a woman was a fantasy for me. I can accept that. But being the person that I would be as a woman, is also a fantasy. And that's what's hurting me right now. I can't be anything like the woman who rung up my purchase. And I want to more than anything. Smiling and friendly. Not afraid to sing along to a favorite song, make a corny joke or pun to get others to smile.

That's the reason I've felt so bad the past few days. How do I - how can I - get through this? I'm not, bouncing back like I used to when I experienced these episodes of depression. This one is sticking around. I can't shake it, I can't get past it. It's just getting worse every day.

Showing how damaged you are also means revealing how vulnerable you are. It would be very easy for any of you to destroy me because I've revealed that vulnerability by being myself. But I know none of you will because that's not who any of you are. Thank you.

Maybe that's what I'm most afraid of when I leave my home? I don't want to be destroyed? But I'm too damaged to protect myself from the hate. So my shell has become thicker lately. But that shell, no matter how thick, can't protect me from myself.

Thanks for listening.



Looking for people who will accept me for who I am
Maybe what's most depressing is that not being alive anymore is going from being just a fantasy, to being a dream.

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