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Interested in your opinion

Wary

SF Supporter
#1
I was recommended a therapist named J by a professional who felt we were a good match. He said she came highly recommended.
Recently I rang her and she said she could probably see me face to face in July. In the meantime I checked her out online for reviews etc. There were several news articles about her and her husband and their court case in which they were ordered to pay €280,000 plus interest and legal costs to a former childhood friend.
This is the story:
J's life-long friend gave €280,000 to J and her husband in August 2010 , after receiving a €750,000 compensation award for serious injuries suffered in a road accident in which her father died. She is now on social security. The friend sought repayment in 2014. J and husband had not the money to pay and claimed they would never have accepted the 'gift' had the friend not insisted, as they knew they could never pay it back. J and husband used the money to pay off their debts, finance their children’s education, retrain as counselors and psychotherapists and open a new business. They argued the money was a gift, while friend claimed it was loan.
The judge ruled against J and husband and said it was a breach of trust; that the friend was gullible and vulnerable after her accident, and was taken advantage of....etc...etc...
J and husband have now had to declare bankruptcy to pay off the loan.
My opinion:
I think the friend squandered her pay-out after the accident and is now regretting having given some of it to her 'beloved friend', but... even if the money was a gift, rather than a loan, I find it odd that anyone would accept it without some effort to repay it.
From my end: I no longer want to see J as a therapist. I think cognitive bias has kicked in and I no longer have faith in someone who ended up in this situation.
Would you agree? What view would you hold?
 

Dots

Misknown Member
#2
I think who you are comfortable with is your decision only and it is acceptable to not want to see her after coming across the articles. But I personally would rely on reviews of her as a therapist to inform my decision.
 

Wary

SF Supporter
#3
I think who you are comfortable with is your decision only and it is acceptable to not want to see her after coming across the articles. But I personally would rely on reviews of her as a therapist to inform my decision.
I guess, what disappointed me most is the fact she has been a psychotherapist for only 10 yrs which I discovered upon reading the reviews. It seems it was a career change late in life. I had initially thought she had been practicing for many years and was happy she was older than me. She is 69yrs old. However, now I feel she did it as it was a lucrative business when times were hard back in 2010 for her. The money from the friend enabled her to do so.
I have been gullible in the past regarding people I put on a pedestal. Hard to know if I am being overly cautious now.
Will try and find reviews about her ability as a therapist and maybe speak to the professional who recommended her.
 

Dots

Misknown Member
#4
have been gullible in the past regarding people I put on a pedestal. Hard to know if I am being overly cautious now.
Hi Wary,

This is just my opinion.... It seems if you already feel uncomfortable and even anxious, there are probably other therapists out there who are older than you that you would feel safer giving a chance?
 

Wary

SF Supporter
#5
Hi Wary,

This is just my opinion.... It seems if you already feel uncomfortable and even anxious, there are probably other therapists out there who are older than you that you would feel safer giving a chance?
Well, I agree it is wise to judge her based on her ability as a therapist. Your opinion is valued, as the more opinions I have the more it helps me formulate what is really going on in my thought loops :)
I think part of me doesn't believe in therapy and to be honest I am reluctant to get roped into paying for something, when deep down I feel we have to forge our own means of getting through. At times all I need is someone who can follow my thought process and help me sift through what is going on at a deeper level. Many psychotherapists operate from a formula and book-read stuff, and can be very patronising, which is why I would always like older people who perhaps have more wisdom, life experience and original thoughts.
Part of my magical thinking, is to view my findings on her as a sign not to see her... but then I have to be careful of that thought loop also.
 

Dots

Misknown Member
#6
It's valid to be wary of paying for a service you don't trust in... is this your first time trying therapy?

Many psychotherapists operate from a formula and book-read stuff, and can be very patronising, which is why I would always like older people who perhaps have more wisdom, life experience and original thoughts.
It seems like from this quote you have experience with them? I've had two therapists so far and one psychiatrist. The first therapist surprisingly nudged something deep inside of me that I didn't know existed... the second just validates my feelings which I sometimes need, though since covid I haven't scheduled anything with her.

I think therapy can very much aid in sifting through what is going on at a deeper level. If we could sort things out ourselves, well I don't think any of us would be here. It's important you go in having an idea of what you expect to get out of it.
 

Wary

SF Supporter
#7
I've learned not to have expectations. But yes, I have discovered that talking with someone helps me achieve some clarity regarding how I perceive things. I guess the few I have seen ( never on a regular basis) enable me to help myself in some weird way. I can reach a level of acceptance and optimism after even one visit, then in time, I fall into despair again and begin a new quest for therapy. I saw a psychiatrist this Thursday. It was he who recommended the therapist I spoke of above. It was a strange consultation. He disagreed that I am hard-wired to be 'addicted' to sadness and negative thinking; thinks I can undo it with effort and commitment. So I am trying.. and I guess i'll succeed for a while before sinking again.
Often my clarity comes from an internal argument in my head with what a therapist may be saying. I don't contradict them verbally to their face, but in my head I may do so, and coming from this opposite internal dialogue can shift something.
Even with the psychiatrist, I found contradictions in what he was saying but did not want him to think I was resisting, so kept quiet. Even so, it all helped.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Admin
SF Supporter
#8
Personally, her past wouldn't bother me in the slightest. The court decision could have ruined her but she is still there, doing what she does. To me that would mean she probably has more empathy for people going through bad things as she's gone through them herself. Many people have a late career change, it's certainly not unusual. And from my experience many therapists have gone into the industry later in life. Maybe the experiences they've gone through want them to be able to help others? And 10 years of working in this field is still a relatively decent amount of time.

But we're not talking about me, we're talking about you and you have to feel comfortable with your decision.
I think part of me doesn't believe in therapy and to be honest I am reluctant to get roped into paying for something, when deep down I feel we have to forge our own means of getting through
I do wonder if based on your thoughts of therapy you are subconsciously looking for reasons not to engage with it? But interestingly you say that the more opinions on this matter help you to formulate what is going on in your thought loops. Isn't that what therapy will also help you with? Maybe you'd get more from therapy than you realize.
I guess the few I have seen ( never on a regular basis) enable me to help myself in some weird way. I can reach a level of acceptance and optimism after even one visit, then in time, I fall into despair again and begin a new quest for therapy
Therapy isn't a quick fix. You're not going to get any kind of sustainable benefit by just going a couple of times and then stopping. Maybe the reason you fall back into despair again is because you didn't give therapy enough time to really make a long term difference?
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#9
I’m with Sunspots - this wouldn’t bother me even in the slightest. I couldn’t care less. You can’t know the details of the case (the smaller nuances) and even if she’d agreed to pay the friend back - then what? This has no bearing on her professional standards.
 

Kira

•✮• SF Gelfling •✮•
SF Creative
SF Artist
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#10
I think the most important thing in finding the best therapist is one that you feel comfortable with and are able to connect to.

Your doctor could recommend someone with a glowing reference, 30 yrs experience and on paper they appear perfect. But it's not until you meet the therapist that you'll truly know if they are a good "fit" for you or not. It's a two way street also. You need to feel comfortable with each other so you can talk in a more relaxed way rather than anything too "formal".

I'd say to give this lady a go regardless of her back story. If you click with her and she is able to help YOU feel better about yourself and life then that's all that matters ultimately.

Good luck and all the best! :)
 

Innocent Forever

🐒🥜🍌
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#11
It's not so much about their past @Wary but about whether you fit with them and connect. If you can't build a relationship based on trust there is no point. My opinion would be call her, and see. Call others too, and see. A number of therapists offer an initial free or cheaper consultation. Speak to a few and see who you can connect to.
*hug
You're worth it.
 

Wary

SF Supporter
#12
Therapy isn't a quick fix. You're not going to get any kind of sustainable benefit by just going a couple of times and then stopping. Maybe the reason you fall back into despair again is because you didn't give therapy enough time to really make a long term difference?
The usual reason I don't continue is
1. After the first 1-2 visits I find I have nothing to say and end up watching the clock and feeling uncomfortable about wasting their time, and mine ( not to mention expense)
2. Sometimes I find myself telling them what sounds good; the progress I am making etc..., so I can justify not returning.
3. The obligation of getting there and adhering to time schedules can be stressful when I am feeling exhausted.
4. I am aware they deal with people who have had more horrific life events than me. Sometimes I feel they must find my stuff trivial by comparison. This adds to the self perception of being attention seeking.
5. One can never get to see them when they really need to. Example I might need one desperately on a sunday, but then have to wait until my appointment on friday. This adds to a sense of futility regarding access to help when it is needed and also re-affirms for me that we are alone. Because they have to protect themselves from burn-out etc, and rightly so, they are NEVER available to call outside appointment hours, even when needed.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Admin
SF Supporter
#13
They're all really valid points @Wary and I can see why you'd stop going.
1. After the first 1-2 visits I find I have nothing to say and end up watching the clock and feeling uncomfortable about wasting their time, and mine ( not to mention expense)
I can see how frustrating that would be. Maybe that therapist wasn't a good fit for you. Some therapists weirdly will comfortably sit with the silences but that approach certainly wouldn't work for me either. A therapist should be able to ask questions in a way to keep things moving, to guide the conversation. Maybe if you give it another go with someone you could tell them how you feel about this and they could do more to stop it from happening.

2. Sometimes I find myself telling them what sounds good; the progress I am making etc..., so I can justify not returning.
Yeah. Don't do that. You're just denying yourself the help you deserve.

3. The obligation of getting there and adhering to time schedules can be stressful when I am feeling exhausted
I totally get this. I've missed a few appointments when I just couldn't drag my arse off of the sofa due to exhaustion. Be realistic when looking for a therapist, make sure they are within easy reach. Again it could also be down to whether you are a good fit with the therapist too and how comfortable you are with them. I now really look forward to my sessions so it doesn't feel stressful to go.
4. I am aware they deal with people who have had more horrific life events than me. Sometimes I feel they must find my stuff trivial by comparison. This adds to the self perception of being attention seeking
Your problems are as valid as anyone elses. If they're having a detrimental effect on you then they're important. It's never attention seeking to try to get help for them. Often the details to how we feel and why are in the small things.


5. One can never get to see them when they really need to. Example I might need one desperately on a sunday, but then have to wait until my appointment on friday. This adds to a sense of futility regarding access to help when it is needed and also re-affirms for me that we are alone. Because they have to protect themselves from burn-out etc, and rightly so, they are NEVER available to call outside appointment hours, even when needed.
This is a tricky one. It's worth discussing this with your therapist at the beginning. Some don't mind being contacted in an emergency. They might not be able to help in that exact moment but they will call you back as soon as possible. I've sometimes texted mine in the middle of the night. I know I won't wake her up as she turns her phone off at night but knowing she'll see it in the morning and contact me will keep me going. Sometimes we'll arrange an extra session later that day or sometimes just talk on the phone for a bit. And when she knows I'm in full on crisis mode (thankfully not for a while now) she tells me she'll leave her phone on overnight in case I need her.

Therapy is so much about having the right fit, the right connection. Sometimes you know instantly if it's there or not. It can take a long time to really build up that rapport but you'll often have a feeling of if it's possible or not right at the beginning. It's not unusual for people to try quite a few therapists before they find the right one for them. It's worth persevering if it's what you want.

I hope that you can find the right one for you if that's the way you want to go. It's got to be your decision and one you're comfortable with. Maybe you just haven't found the right fit yet, maybe now isn't the right time for therapy for you, maybe you need to battle through those first awkward sessions and see if you can get to the right place. But whatever you do, do it for you.
 

Deety

SF Supporter
#14
I would probably feel similarly. This person's past (or what you can glean of it from newspaper articles) seems to show they are either untrustworthy or unprincipled (personally I think it's more likely it was a loan and they tried to take advantage). I would keep looking for a better fit as you need to be able to tust someone before you can be vulnerable and open up to them.
 

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