This morning I woke up and decided to give up on any further discussion/mental acrobatics about whether or not to end it and to move on to the planning stages of ending it. I've simply decided that I lack the intellectual background, possibly the raw ability, to come to any conclusion on this matter. If I wait ten more years, I have no doubt in my mind I'll be trodding the same intellectual pathways I've been on for the last ten years. As I mulled things over a bit more over my morning coffee, I decided that, what the hell, there's no reason I can't do both simultaneously. But planning will now take precedence over navel contemplation, whereas before it was the other way around. In fact, most of the planning I've undertaken to this point is the elimination of unsuitable methods. Now, I start actively looking for effective ones. Much to my surprise I feel like a great weight has lifted from my shoulders. In fact, for the first time in a very long time I feel at peace with myself. Or at any rate, as "at peace with myself" as a defective human like me is capable of feeling. To reduce this to a bromide: Action, not words. Funny that peace should be that simple to define, and that easy to obtain. Note that I figure it is going to be months, rather than days or weeks before I'll be in a position to move to the next step, so in the mean time, if anyone cares, please have at it. Are my feelings invalid? If so, how? Obviously I haven't irrevocably committed myself to anything, since as long as I'm alive I'll have a mind to change. But, given how I'm feeling? Rather like someone who's been underwater for a long time coming up for air. The totality of the experience, perhaps the proper word here is "gestalt," inclines me to think that this is the correct decision. For me and me alone, of course. But, of course, if I had no doubts I also wouldn't be posting here. Just that I now think its okay to go under having doubts, even substantial ones.