Interesting. And unexpected.

[worlds edge]

This morning I woke up and decided to give up on any further discussion/mental acrobatics about whether or not to end it and to move on to the planning stages of ending it. I've simply decided that I lack the intellectual background, possibly the raw ability, to come to any conclusion on this matter. If I wait ten more years, I have no doubt in my mind I'll be trodding the same intellectual pathways I've been on for the last ten years. As I mulled things over a bit more over my morning coffee, I decided that, what the hell, there's no reason I can't do both simultaneously. But planning will now take precedence over navel contemplation, whereas before it was the other way around. In fact, most of the planning I've undertaken to this point is the elimination of unsuitable methods. Now, I start actively looking for effective ones.

Much to my surprise I feel like a great weight has lifted from my shoulders. In fact, for the first time in a very long time I feel at peace with myself. Or at any rate, as "at peace with myself" as a defective human like me is capable of feeling. To reduce this to a bromide: Action, not words. Funny that peace should be that simple to define, and that easy to obtain.

Note that I figure it is going to be months, rather than days or weeks before I'll be in a position to move to the next step, so in the mean time, if anyone cares, please have at it. Are my feelings invalid? If so, how? Obviously I haven't irrevocably committed myself to anything, since as long as I'm alive I'll have a mind to change. But, given how I'm feeling? Rather like someone who's been underwater for a long time coming up for air. The totality of the experience, perhaps the proper word here is "gestalt," inclines me to think that this is the correct decision. For me and me alone, of course. But, of course, if I had no doubts I also wouldn't be posting here. Just that I now think its okay to go under having doubts, even substantial ones.

 

[Chickpea]

Hiya,

I understand your feelings. I don't think you are intellectually limited based on the way you wrote that post. You really do sound intelligent and I think that since you've been thinking about it for so long, if suicide was the RIGHT answer for you then you would have already been able to come to that conclusion. But I'm in the same kind of situation really. I've been thinking it over for years too... come close to doing it many times. And despite thinking about it for all this time I still can't seem to rule it out as an option. You said that you now feel its ok to go even with doubts. I'm not so sure I'd agree with that, as I've always told myself I wouldn't do it unless I was 100% sure. But still I've planned... so who knows?

I don't really have any answers for you. I understand the peace that it can bring and you aren't alone in your feelings. I hope that suicide isn't the route you choose and that you find a better way.

You said you've been thinking about it for a long time, and mentioned the doubts. What is it that has stopped you up until now? Whatever those things are have kept you alive this long so it might be worth considering them again.

Take care!

Chickpea x

 

[worlds edge]

Thank you for your kind response, chickpea. I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings.

Hiya,

I understand your feelings. I don't think you are intellectually limited based on the way you wrote that post.

I probably didn't phrase that correctly. What education I do have is of a technical nature. I'm an acccountant by trade, so I have some experience marshalling arguments (writing and responding to nasty letters from IRS is an interesting experience) reading mountains of crap and working under deadlines.

What I lack, I suppose, is any sort of real ability to grasp and come to terms with is the metaphysics and ethics of doing myself in, to say nothing of the nuts and bolts of psychology to help evaluate my position. I also suspect I've come to the table too late in life, at 44, to be able to pick this up. Much as our skin loses its flexibility or plasticity as we get older, I think the same thing happens to our minds vis a vis learning new things. At least that's how its been for me. Meaning the sort of thing

You really do sound intelligent and I think that since you've been thinking about it for so long, if suicide was the RIGHT answer for you then you would have already been able to come to that conclusion.

Perhaps, but I don't see it that way. I'd like to think it means I can't be accused of rushing into anything or of coming to any kind of hasty conclusions. Of course, this also doesn't necessarily mean I'm right about anything. That I must grant, though I now do think I've chosen the proper course.

But I'm in the same kind of situation really. I've been thinking it over for years too... come close to doing it many times. And despite thinking about it for all this time I still can't seem to rule it out as an option.

Not that I'm going to spend much time considering this, but I've sometimes wondered if there's a genetic predisposition for suicide that is ultimately impossible for some to override. Remember, not every trait, even dominant trait, necessarily selects for survival. And, like the peacock's tail, why not? A suicide gene is certainly no stranger than that. I'm not a huge fan of the idea of genetic determinism...but sometimes I do wonder. Of course, I certainly have no way of also knowing if any of this applies to thee or me.

You said that you now feel its ok to go even with doubts. I'm not so sure I'd agree with that, as I've always told myself I wouldn't do it unless I was 100% sure. But still I've planned... so who knows?

The reason I'm saying this is that I don't think there's such a thing as an important decision that is ever made with all the information at hand, or that can ever be made with perfect certainty. To hold suicide to this standard correspondingly strikes me as, well, if not ridiculous, almost intellectually dishonest. I certainly do not think it is a decision to be made lightly, or on the spur of the moment.

I don't really have any answers for you.

I'm not really expecting any to be honest....more like a last go round of reasonable objections. That I could then chew them over and if I'm still committed to this course to then undertake it.

I understand the peace that it can bring and you aren't alone in your feelings. I hope that suicide isn't the route you choose and that you find a better way.

You said you've been thinking about it for a long time, and mentioned the doubts. What is it that has stopped you up until now?

First, that I was not completely certain this was the right course for me. I had some glimmer of hope that I'd find, if not happiness, perhaps something resembling satisfaction. Second, a sense of duty to my wife, parents and now to my son. I have no hope of ever finding the former any longer. Time has simply run out there. I'm too old, too tired and just too worn down. The second? That's a tougher nut to crack, and, yes, also where I continue to have some doubts. On that point, I'm now reasonably confident that my death would be on balance a good thing for my wife and son, and not a good thing for my parents. But I don't think that is really to be helped. I'll have to work on drafting a letter to each party. Though I believe I cannot proceed any further there, as I understand the Terms of Service here.

Whatever those things are have kept you alive this long so it might be worth considering them again.

Take care!
That I was not completely certain.

Chickpea x

Thank you for your thoughts, and I wish you well. :smile:

Patrick

 

[madasafishbone]

Its interesting you explain your situation in the way that you do, you cover every angle In a precise explanatory way, as if your doing someones accounts. Unfortunately its pretty much an account of a Robot. You seem to have abandoned yourself to the enevitable, tax=16% profit down 3% end of year profits none, over all a bad day at the office...and a few sums later...yeh i might as well top myself, life is crap...
Ever thought of doing something else???????