..... I don't know if this is the right place. But it feels like it is, sorta. Does anyone know what it feels like when you are doing something on your own... deteroriating.. rapidly.. ... I was. It was just me in my own place. But I was whisked away out of the care from others.... Now I feel even worse but kept alive or structured by others. I feel even more like a failure.... I fucking hate this.. i feel numb and tired.. im trying to get out of this ... it's hard... it's so hard. I feel everything I do is not my own. I feel like it's being absorbed by others... like it's not my own... I just am finding it hard to feel like anything I do is my own now. I want to hurt myself so I find myself and then .. try if I can. I WANT TO feel alive. But I feel "safe". but I feel I can't be .. oh i feel so ...... it just makes me numb.. but now.. its frustrating... but it's like a dumb doll now. Not in control.... Im your puppet... and I fucking hate this life. Interfering in MY WAYS IS A HORRIBLE FUCKING IDEA. I can't give... I honestly cannot bend and try to see the folly of my ways. it's all i have left of me that's just me. Just fucking me. Fuck.. bitching is next to that aswell. It's as useless as... a thought. My thoughts are useless. My feelings are trapped... if they ... idk if they exist too much anymore. I mean I feel them when im stimulated but... I feel numb. Or dumb... maybe both. Lack of inspiration and beliefe in myself. I dont want to be this fool... I feel so fucked up even more now. I was atleast on a clean honest path I think.. or maybe that's how It feels looking back. i guess i wasnt.. idk. Maybe I just need to find some peace with the care that was there when I apparently needed it. I wish I had almost died.. so I had a choice beyond thought that I could honestly make for myself to make me want to live and TRY... now i feel in sludge... now I feel like im shooting through that sludge with a fist at times and yelling with my heart. But I dissolve back into sludge. I'm sick of this shit. THIS IS NOT MY LIFE. I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS ANYONE SAYS TODAY YESTERDAY TOMORROW WHEN IMDEAD.. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM. idk just wanted to write that.. But truth be told, this is exactly who I am. It's hard to wrap my head around it without limiting myself in other ways. Idk. I hope I can save myself from myself, and prove to myself it is worth it. Because I really am not trying hard enough or doing enough. I could sleep forever almost.. its like re-stimulating everything about who I am. Everything interferes and Im trying to realize there is rarely anything such as peace.