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Discussion in 'After Effects' started by justMe7, Jun 24, 2012.

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  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    ..... I don't know if this is the right place. But it feels like it is, sorta.

    Does anyone know what it feels like when you are doing something on your own... deteroriating.. rapidly.. ... I was. It was just me in my own place. But I was whisked away out of the care from others.... Now I feel even worse but kept alive or structured by others. I feel even more like a failure.... I fucking hate this.. i feel numb and tired.. im trying to get out of this ... it's hard... it's so hard. I feel everything I do is not my own. I feel like it's being absorbed by others... like it's not my own...
    I just am finding it hard to feel like anything I do is my own now. I want to hurt myself so I find myself and then .. try if I can. I WANT TO feel alive. But I feel "safe". but I feel I can't be ..
    oh i feel so ...... it just makes me numb.. but now.. its frustrating... but it's like a dumb doll now. Not in control.... Im your puppet... and I fucking hate this life. Interfering in MY WAYS IS A HORRIBLE FUCKING IDEA. I can't give... I honestly cannot bend and try to see the folly of my ways. it's all i have left of me that's just me. Just fucking me. Fuck.. bitching is next to that aswell. It's as useless as... a thought. My thoughts are useless. My feelings are trapped... if they ... idk if they exist too much anymore. I mean I feel them when im stimulated but... I feel numb. Or dumb... maybe both. Lack of inspiration and beliefe in myself. I dont want to be this fool... I feel so fucked up even more now. I was atleast on a clean honest path I think.. or maybe that's how It feels looking back. i guess i wasnt.. idk.
    Maybe I just need to find some peace with the care that was there when I apparently needed it. I wish I had almost died.. so I had a choice beyond thought that I could honestly make for myself to make me want to live and TRY... now i feel in sludge...

    now I feel like im shooting through that sludge with a fist at times and yelling with my heart. But I dissolve back into sludge. I'm sick of this shit. THIS IS NOT MY LIFE. I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS ANYONE SAYS TODAY YESTERDAY TOMORROW WHEN IMDEAD.. THIS IS NOT WHO I AM.

    idk just wanted to write that.. But truth be told, this is exactly who I am. It's hard to wrap my head around it without limiting myself in other ways. Idk. I hope I can save myself from myself, and prove to myself it is worth it. Because I really am not trying hard enough or doing enough. I could sleep forever almost.. its like re-stimulating everything about who I am. Everything interferes and Im trying to realize there is rarely anything such as peace.
  2. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i know how youre feeling.

    i had everything taken away /or i gave everything up.

    basically i couldnt control my own life and just spiraled downwards. it been about a year where ive had no control over anything. ive slept lot and have given up fighting. im lucky to have a great wife who takes on the burden and lets me out to gamble now and again. but apart from that im in bed sleeping.

    ive one hobby which has kept me going and focused and exercising. i keep focused on this one target and hobby and that gives me purpose - other than that life would mean absolutely zero.

    the strange thing is that since i just gave up and let others take over everything ive not felt suicidal. at first i felt pissed off but now i can just kick back and go to bed and close the world out. it feels good as there are no negative things in my life which would trigger me.

    maybe you just need to let go and sleep it all off and i mean sleep for like 16 hrs a days every day for a year or 2 and let your body settle.

    i was suicidal for years and even the smallest thing could tip me over the edge even now. but ive let go so nothing can get to me. im hiding until i feel stronger.

    goodluck and i wish you a happier future. it does get easier.
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Thankyou for your time and response :)

    Yeah.. it's gotten bad. I think im so frustrated with myself because of how things are. I can find myself when im alone, usually in the dark at nighttime when nothing is around. Where I feel free to dream, but even then it's difficult to break free from the "realistic" compressive thoughts that I live with. Not break free but just ease up enough, to begin to remember what is important to me, to appricate how I've not strived to emphasise and even try for them. They've always been a gooey source of breath, but because of things.. i've been turning myself off to it.

    It's bad, I do sleep for prolonged periods now,eratically. I don't eat properly, i don't look after myself.. I've allowed this acceptable world to form around me, and I do not think I will even begin to feel better until I find that strength to appricate my own life. Not doing anything for anyone else, but for who I am, and then for others. It's difficult though, to free my end thoughts, they are severly capped at times with conclusions like "I can't do that" "It's impossible" "It's unrealistic" "I have my past as proof" "Ill ruin it" "It'll take too much time" "it's a waste of my life" "It's not worth it" ......
    I think it's about rekindeling what is important and making things happen. Not because I have too, but because I want too, because it is who I am to do that. ... Well idk about that last part. It's a challenge to believe in who I am, and be stronger than the worst parts in who i am. I have some seriously bad parts... and I adore them, simply for their existence. But I am disillusioned with the reality I create and allow around me. I have always been ashamed by the things I allow to happen. It's never what I want, but it's what I accept. That has to change...
    I can't allow myself to become stagnit again. I've been idle my entire life, and in being idle and recovering in a sense, I've fallen down to deeper deplorable acceptable states.
    I don't know... if it's just me and the truth.. it's a start. I am horrible with people, and trying to connect or talk with anyone, I shut life down, and let theirs free roam in the moment. Because I consider it a waste of time for me......
    I have alot towork on. If I feel this way. I'm hopped up on pain killers atm, .. kinda because of the way my body is currently reacting and how I am. Not abusing them, but im wondering if they are calming my nerves and perceptions enough to let me feel in control(deceptively) of my body, and letting me work from a grounding.

    I'm sorry, I have a very ungrounded mind, I sort of just go for it however it goes. I think you are right to a degree. I do need to take things light. .. or do i. I have to appricate my body is physically shattered, but it is not beyond rejuvenation. My methodology for reaching a better me is so important to being able to sit in silence and not see any lies or dillusions. Just honesty, built on itself... Idk. My mind is raging for information and challenge, but it can't maintain... It's raging for natural stimulating challenge :) Perhaps I need to remember and trust again in people and what they are sharing. ... idk.

    Things are messy. How I feel tomorrow, or in a few hours will be challenged I know. Ill feel physical discomfort which will call my perception. Ill feel a disconnection from this misty dream future and desires..
    Perhaps i need to start remembering who I am, and proving again to myself who I am.
    I appricate your reply, and I hope so very much that you are feeling better everyday in some sense. I suppose we all have our battles, ... i appricate you sharing yours with me for a moment :) I wish you all the best too and always a future that makes you smile and prosperous
  4. kote

    kote Account Closed

    its difficult fighting with yourself.

    when i had my breakdown i fought everyday to get back to where i was but it just wasnt happening. my mind wanted to do it and my body just froze.

    so in the end i had to give up a life long career and the only career i can have in the country i have now settled.

    i was difficult to accept and still is everyday but it was the right decision not to fight anymore. the fighting internally was more destructive than anything else as each failure brought me back down to rock bottom.

    my moods were controlled by medicine and it helped but i stopped taking it when my dog died. i wanted to feel real again. at that point i just gave up and retreated to bed. only coming out for my hobby kendo.

    now im aiming at a very high level test in 6 weeks so im working hard at kendo. my dr. said i MUST take my mood stabalizing medicine because if i fail i will drop and become suicidal again or if i pass i will go super high and cause problems one way or another. im not taking them still as my mood is possitive and forward looking and my goal is achievable. this is a goal which ive been dodging for 5 years because ive not mentally been there. its such a danger but will be a big boost if i pass. but hey ive failed so many times. just getting up in the morning is an impossible task!!! i have no daily routine and im usually only awake for when my kids come home from school.

    so its a big gamble but after years of resting and giving up on the things that could hurt im stepping back out again. who knows where the confidence boost will take me.

    before i was always on meds. now im just on sleeping meds and now and again valium.

    i can relate to your point about liking yourself. i woke up one day and reflected and said to myself i like where i am and who i am. from that point i could build. but with mood swings im high and low all the time. but i remember that day and my reasoning. i accept im not in the ideal possition that id like to be but i like who I AM......not what others say or do but just me. thats a big cloud to remove to get to that point. then you can relax a lot more and accept life for what it is.

    i dont often come to this site - well not daily like i used to. but youre welcome to message me anytime and i will try and get back to you whenever i come on the site.

    i hope things become lighter for you and the mist of confusion goes away. but take your time. relax into life and take a step back.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 27, 2012
  5. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Thankyou again for your response.
    Idk things have cracked off, got into a fight with my gf.. got bad. There is no resting for me. She's just in a bad a boat, ... life sucks :) I don't feel comfortable here anymore.. apparently im a drain and bringing her down which is true. I imagine she feels Ive botched up the last 4 years so idk.. im sorta burned past worrying or thinking about things atm. I imagine im going to have to leave soon because this is just too unstable. Granted.. I had left.. got that thrown in my face massively... and about future plans.. and... everything... which makes sense... I cant exactly excuse my dead weight behavior.. Just helps to Know I can't trust people and that everyone wants something back in return. Except.. it's not true.. I dont want anything and if I could give something to someone I would. So I suppose she has been giving for so long that it's just too much for her. Idk..
    Gotta live life.. otherwise it's not worth it.
    I do understand alot of what you've written. I'm not saying how im feeling is anything like how youre feeling, but I do find no connection or comfort except when i am alone. Closing my eyes and going to sleep is like shutting down and letting everything relax a bit. From there though, it's about honesty and encouragment through whatever that honesty gives. Which is so fragile in itself, so when someone comes barging in with emotional need/connection, it can fracture those understandings to the point where ...
    but sometimes, I suppose with time you can find those parts of who we are, and honestly approach the parts that have been burned and rationally shut down or disregarded ... and strengthen who we are so our wants and desires can thrive. And from there.. start doing things completely as who we are.
    Idk.. that "we" was just me projecting I think... I just know im shattered and hidden inside through failure and problems and giving up on myself/protecting myself. But I do think that maybe if things are approached right and nurtured again, they can be rejuvenated per say, and the things that are impossible can be worked to becoming normal..

    or something ... im not there. Infact i feel a very strong refined and limited way of thinking. :S I hope things get lighter, but as it stands.. well.. :) I Hope they do.
    Thankyou very much for sharing, I know it's never easy.. but I highly appricate your time. Thankyou. I hope today and tomorrow give you a smile
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