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Internal Expressive-(Warning?)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Perishable, Dec 13, 2007.

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  1. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Everyone knows that if per say:
    "You keep your emotions inside, they'll build up and you'll convulse"
    (Or Explode. Take or pick your verb)

    What is the message/definition pertaining to this phrase?
    What exactly is this qoute suppose to mean?

    I absolutely cannot express myself to anyone. Even if I wanted to.
    It is not that I am incapible or stubborn. Nothing of the sort. I have trust in a handful of people that I could confess myself to.
    But, There is a set back. A lack of confidence possibly? Something that is in the back of my mind that refrains me from saying what I think and feel.
    Something that chains me from being released.
    Most of the things that run through my mind I cannot explain.

    I know there are a couple of things I am a little catious about conversating with other people for the fact of freightening them. But not much. I have two very very good friend I can seriously confide in. But not sure if I should with certain things (thoughts, feelings,emotions) that I experience 24/7.

    What exactly do I feel? My emotions I cant seem to souly express.

    1. These deep urges for self mutilation.
    To grab a blunt object and carve my flesh with it.
    To obey to harmful pyromania to burn and scald my skin into a crucifix.
    To abuse myself until I'm bruised and sore.
    To overdose on medication/drugs/-legal/illegal- until I choke on my own vomit.
    2. Suicide
    Other things of course amoung the familiar.
    Guns-shooting myself from different angles, perdicting where my brain matter will land.
    Knifes- Stabbing myself until arriving upon death
    Drowning-filling up the bathtub and feel self strangulation without being strangled. Hanging, overdose, jumping off a cliff, etc...
    3. Letting go.
    Not neccissarily dieing, but giving up on goals, life. Just eating whatever, smoking, drinking, doing whatever I want. No care for others, no care of good or bad. no effort. Just get and never give. Do what I want with no respect for authority or my morals. Letting go...
    4. Being negligent
    Doing everything wrong on purpose. Being destructive. A little different from letting go.
    5. Choosing Option 'B'.
    Now this is a funny little thought I have a lot. I know I can get Option A. But I don't deserve it. Take for example.
    I want to go through to college.
    Theres....FIDM!!! Expensive...but is diliberate, it can get you a great job with a great pay...GREAT CAREER! That's option A!
    Option B is Community College. You can still get a job, a career, get a good salary if done right. But not as good as option B.

    I want to take option B all the time. Not because im lazy, or again, incapible. Because I dont deserve option A.

    .....You see, I'm not even sure what exactly I'm doing.
    I'm frustrated. Emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, ...W/E!
    All of everything. It's compiled into a stack of shit.

    I have problems expressing myself. In anything.
    If someone gives me a gift. I'm all a lighted inside, but outside I look as if I dont like it. Just...bland.

    Is there a mental disorder with not being able to express yourself?
    I know I must have a couple of disorders. There are things about me I notice, and they bug me. But I can't change them. :mad: Stupid life.
    I can blame my past for that.
    I can blame myself for letting it get to me.

    I'm not exactly sure what I am trying to point out here?
    Blah. :dry:
  2. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    You seemed to express yourself just fine, to me at least. Your problem is not self expression, its choosing what exactly to do. You have a lot of options on the table there, and you cannot decide which one to choose. And as for not "deserving" the better option, who said so? If you really want to go for something and improve yourself, go for it! Do not feel guilty just because you would have a better job or life than others, you would have worked to get there!
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey perishable, have you been to a doctor to have definite diagnoses done? You might find that by putting a name to what you are experiencing may help you with your problems. Depression is wicked for the things it changes in a person and the abilities it strips us of. And it is brutal to one's self esteem, ego and moral. So maybe with professional help (meds, doc appts., counseling etc) you could find some of the help you need and be able and willing to work on the rest of your problems and pains as well. Hope you can also find the help you need here at SF. Reach out to the members because we will never let you be alone through this.
  4. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    Your a great person;
    I think what would be good for you is to stay at a friends house for a few days maybe a week and just relax and get some thinking done about the direction you want to take in life, I think you get confused and too stressed because you have an unstable home situation and its caused you to get mentally "twisted" up.
  5. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Writting to people I have never met before relieves some of the stress of expression of my detrimental thoughts. Especially since I do not have to look them in the face, wondering how exactly they will percieve my mind.
    Well, this is quite the sticky situation. You see, I would'nt want to give my parents the bliss of knowing that they're child is mentally ill. They would blame me for being crazy instead of their disgusting parenting. Besides that, I am absolutely sure it is extremely expensive. In addition, I might be advertising my twisted mentality by considering it. Dont cha think?
    Exaclty. I'm also confused and stressed because I am unstable myself.
    Think on thing one minute and the next minute contradict my thoughts...(bipolar?)
  6. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    It just means that if you try to ignore your feelings they will eventually explode on you. You don't need to actually tell anyone if you don't want to, but as long as you get it out of your system somehow (write it down, run/jump around, scream, punching bag, etc), it won't build up.

    I also do that when I'm unsure of something, but I'm not bipolar. I think bipolar is more about being happy and then miserable the next minute for no apparent reason, or something like that (someone else here can probably elaborate more on that).
  7. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I know. I meant it in a sarcastic manner. Probably not legible. I should of knew that *slaps face.*

    What I meant by that was, how are you suppose to release your feelings when you can't explain them.
    as if to say...
    "How can I stop my feelings from building up, IF I CAN EVEN GET THEM OUT!"

    Yes. It is. I didn't write that very well did I?
    Exaclty what I mean about not being able to explain things.
    I dont have noticable 'moodswings'. I keep them inside. I'll be extremely happy. Even thought I shouldn't be. There is no particular reason. Then I'll be devastated....and I dont know why?

    The 'thoughts thing' is probably on a different line.
    I have thoughts that contradict themselves. Making me look like a hypacrit.
    Wierd thoughts like.
    "God, if that person doesn't move, Im going to stab them"
    ...."You're a philanthropist. What the hell?"

    "Man, Im going to fuck the shit out of that guy."
    ..."Wait i'm not shallow?"

    "Geeze, I need to go smoke some weed"
    ..."But i'm striaght edge?"

    "Stupid fat bitch"
    ...."I'm A FAT BITCH!"

    Or the other way AROUND!

    "Mmmm... I love vegetables!"
    ..."Donuts are better"

    "Homework, get it done, get a good grade!"
    ..."What the fuck is the point? Im going to die eventually. No one cares."

    "I'm carving a pumpkin! This is so much fun!"
    ..."Just Stab yourself. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CARVING A PUMPKIN!"

    "I love life"
    ..."No I don't"

    "I'm interested in helping"
    ..."I'm going to fucking sit here and not do shit and watch you struggle."

    "Shallow self centered jack-asses disgust me, Its best to be nice."
    ..."Lalalala. I'm not listening."

    I wonder what's wrong with me? :blink:
    Its like I have a devil and an angel sitting on my shoulders.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 14, 2007
  8. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    try my suggestion and see how you go after a week or two of relaxation.
  9. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I'd love to stay at a friends place for a week or two...
    and relax. But what has got me so stressed is that I'm so cooped up at home because of my mother.
    No phone, no going outside, no computer, no talking to friends, no communication basically.

    She is such a fucking shit head!
    eh. I wish I could tell her that.

    Her abuse and some contributed from my father...on a daily bases... creates my educational mind for school to vanish.
    (in other words my grades are dropping.)
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