Internal Screams

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Apr 18, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Ever since birthday night I started seeing flashed of light.. or some black flashes.. and then I started hearing these inner screams.. Saying things like.. "They hate me" "Leave me alone" "I want to die" And sometimes the screams get louder then normal.. Sometimes they softer.. But its a little girl and I'm pretty sure she is me.. She has my voice.. She is scared and alone.. She feels unwanted and hated. So I let her talk some.. I made her a thread..

    Anyway, I notice when she starts screaming more loud is when I start seeing the flashes.. or sometimes its opposite.. I see flashes before the screams get louder.. They aren't really screams I guess.. I'm not sure.. I kinda can remember hearing her voice before, when I first started therapy.. I've also noticed when she is talking or anything, I have trouble talking out loud. My speech becomes slurred.. When she talks more or I let her talk.. When she is done I can remember parts of what she was saying and the feelings, but as the time goes on I forget more of it.. I want to let her speak a lot more.. But I'm not sure if that is good. She is suicidal, yet I am not.. But when I let her speak she feels a little better and calms down. But she is very scared.. She is crying for help and feels trapped..

    I hope therapy today will help.. I'm not sure what my therapist will say.. I've tried talking about similar things before.. I don't think she really understands.. And it seems these things come in cycles.. I'll be doing alright for a while.. I'll make progress.. Then all a sudden I start having problems with memory, dissociating, etc.. But it's in these cycles.. I really don't know why.. I think maybe It is that way because I make myself "toughen up" then when it gets to a breaking point, it all floods back again.. Not really sure.. Wish someone could help me understand what is going on.. I feel so lost sometimes.. but somehow when this girl part of me gets to speak I feel a bit better.. at least she can make me cry when she talks.. I can't seem to cry no matter what happens..
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni


    keep bringing up DID with yr therapist. if she can't help you with it maybe she can refer you to someone who specializes. it requires an experienced therapist.
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    So I saw my therapist.. I tried to let the little girl talk.. All she could do was lay on the floor shaking.. I feel really weird.. It's like I'm her but I'm not. I feel stupid.. I don't know how to explain.. My therapist only said she was a bit concerned about my impulse control, because the other times I've been in this state I become impulsive.. She just told me to keep track of it.. Anyway, the girl is a lot quieter today..
  4. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    I am confused. Is this when you are sleep or awake?
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    What part?? It's hard to explain. She is there in my head. I hear her.. But sometimes I see these flashes of light while I'm awake and my focus goes away. She and I are kinda both there at some time. Just the levels vary. Sometimes she is more there then I am.. Sometimes I'm there more then she. But I guess both conscious. When she is more there, I still can take back physical control.. Tho I don't always remember what she has said.. It's like.. In the moment I can hear / feel what she is.. But as time from the remembering goes away, I forget more of what she said.. Idk how else to explain.. She is me, but not.. It's weird.. When I laid on the floor... I.. This part.. felt really strange, because I'm an adult and I'm in an adult body.. But at the same time, it is her comfort zone. She feels comfortable curled on a ball on the floor crying.. When I was younger it was the "safe place" I guess..

    It's too hard to really explain it.. I have these thoughts that are both me and not.. One is saying they are going to get hurt, and the other part saying back we are safe and not going to get hurt. It's kinda like.. I went back in time, and I'm telling the child me that things will be fine. :dunno:
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are disassociating you can get some meds to decrease these episodes some ask you doctor okay hugs
  7. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    so it seems like a personality disorder kind of thing? Very interesting. I know exactly what you are speaking of then. But mine only comes out when im sleeping. He use to be very violent, but he has calmed down since I've gotten married. lol

    Controlling the other is very difficult sometimes, but remember, you are the one that is in control. The other person is just a passenger.