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internally or externally directed?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by warrabinda, Jan 10, 2011.

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  1. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    I was thinking today (i.e. torturing myself mentally) about the motivations behind my own suicidal feelings, why i feel i have to do it.

    i feel that i simple have to kill myself because i need to punish myself, and also because the depression is robbing me of a life. i can't stand the thought of looking back in 4 years and realising because of THIS i haven't achieved anything of personal importance. I have no energy. I can't see things getting better. it's not aimed at anyone. i blame myself. i pity everyone, i'm a huge burden. If everyone really knew the truth about me I'm pretty sure they'd wish me on my way.
    i guess it's also a relief though obviously i wouldn't experience anything. it would just end. i guess if i really wanted to torture myself i'd force myself to stick it out?

    meanwhile i read a lot of other posts and speak to people who 'direct' their attempts/commitments towards the outside i.e. people are angry at the world, 'they' don't accept me, 'they' hurt me. I'm curious then what is the role of the self? where you feel you most fit in terms of who it's motivated towards?

    I've been in both camps, but i can't remember the second! Then again one other 'reason' is that I feel I'm far too sensitive. so I guess I'm still the problem, but the outside world is egging me on. oh and the whole 'receiving messages from god to kill myself', i guess any gestures are definately aimed at appeasing him rather than pur self-hatred...

    i apologise if that doesn't make any sense.
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I sometimes like to look at what makes me suicidal etc. Of course it changes from situation to situation at times. One moment one of the 'reasons' may be because of some sort of anxiety that's triggering me. Then another moment I may want to do it because I'd very much rather see if there's something better on the other side, than stay here in this shit.

    For some people, depression/other mental illnesses can express themselves as anger or hatred. I tend to have an extremely small fuse with my immediate family. If I say for one of my younger siblings to get the remote for the TV etc(something menial) and they don't do it, it can at times have disasterous consequences. Not apocalyptic or anything, but at times dangerous for them, lol. Usually I might be fairly lazy/tired and just shoot a volley of swear words at them, maybe throw something. But if I'm furious I'll get up, shoot the volley, and maybe even wack 'em a few times.

    I'm also too sensitive at times, and that can be a trigger at times. Someone could say one small thing and you go into nuclear reactor meltdown mode, lol.

    And as you say, staying around for another few years and then realising you've done/achieved virtually nothing isn't very motivational :laugh:.

  3. warrabinda

    warrabinda Well-Known Member

    i just noticed your signature the thing about god and, considering what i wrote in my first post, it cracked me up (that BASTARD).
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Well I'm glad it made you lol :tongue:. I'm pretty sure I read it off the net somewhere, it actually made me laugh when I saw it at first too :D
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think we direct our rage, as such, both at ourselves and others because this is the way we can deal with it...we construct contexts where we seem unloveable because we have problems loving ourselves, and create senerios where we are worthless so that we can have an attestation that we are worthless...instead of saying to ourselves that we hurt deeply and should be even more loved, especially when there is not that love in our outside world, we protect ourselves in this way...you are valuable, worthy and should be loved as well...J
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