Hi I was thinking today (i.e. torturing myself mentally) about the motivations behind my own suicidal feelings, why i feel i have to do it. i feel that i simple have to kill myself because i need to punish myself, and also because the depression is robbing me of a life. i can't stand the thought of looking back in 4 years and realising because of THIS i haven't achieved anything of personal importance. I have no energy. I can't see things getting better. it's not aimed at anyone. i blame myself. i pity everyone, i'm a huge burden. If everyone really knew the truth about me I'm pretty sure they'd wish me on my way. i guess it's also a relief though obviously i wouldn't experience anything. it would just end. i guess if i really wanted to torture myself i'd force myself to stick it out? meanwhile i read a lot of other posts and speak to people who 'direct' their attempts/commitments towards the outside i.e. people are angry at the world, 'they' don't accept me, 'they' hurt me. I'm curious then what is the role of the self? where you feel you most fit in terms of who it's motivated towards? I've been in both camps, but i can't remember the second! Then again one other 'reason' is that I feel I'm far too sensitive. so I guess I'm still the problem, but the outside world is egging me on. oh and the whole 'receiving messages from god to kill myself', i guess any gestures are definately aimed at appeasing him rather than pur self-hatred... i apologise if that doesn't make any sense.