internet porn (may trigger)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by dazzle11215, Apr 28, 2011.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i have no clue where to post this, but since it relates to the sexual abuse i suffered i figured here was as good a place as any. i'm sorry in advance if this is triggering for anyone. i put a warning in the thread title.

    so i think i have a problem with internet porn. i can waste hours and hours on the computer reading stories, watching videos, looking at photos. i tell myself i'm not going to look at it anymore, and then i go ahead and break that promise. after i feel guilty and ashamed.

    even worse is the type of stuff i'm looking at. i deliberately seek out sites where the women are dressed to appear to be young (wearing schoolgirl outfits, etc). the guys can be any age, i don't care. i try to be careful and pick sites where they say the models are all over 18 but these days who knows. i could be looking at something illegal without knowing. and still i don't stop. and no matter how old the actors are i make the women young in my head. i'm not going to tell you how young, but it's young enough to be wrong.

    my therapist knows all about this, and i mean she knows everything. she thinks i was quite possibly forced to watch my sister being sexually abused, and that's why i have this need to watch porn. she thinks i'm recreating scenes of abuse from my past. either i'm fantasizing that it's me being abused, or it's about watching my sister. either way it is a result of us being abused.

    i can't stop. i guess that's one of the warning signs of a true addiction. that you break promises to yourself, and that there could be serious consequences to what you are watching and yet you don't stop.

    oh god.

    i don't know how to fix this, except by keeping talking about it in therapy and by becoming aware of my triggers. sometimes, like today, i don't even know if there was a trigger. i just found myself doing it.

    please don't yell at me. if you have any good ideas i'd really appreciate hearing them.

    i did install net nanny but i had to uninstall it, as it blocked too many non pornographic sites (for instance it blocks anything to do with gay rights, including the human rights organization where i volunteer). i couldn't handle the over filtering.

    thanks for listening.
     
  2. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Like being enslaved to the past.....miserable

    Not going to yell - it is like any other way of escape and repetition of the past - you were helpless in the past, now you are trying to take control, master it - but it is still holding you captive....

    When you demean yourself for something though, no matter how bad you feel you are, it becomes harder to understand the core reason; and that understanding is the way to free yourself.

    I am so sorry you were abused - you are not at fault for the past, it is still hurting you. Keep fighting - sounds like you are winning, just takes time.

    Have you tried other distractions or actions to remove yourself - something you can do to remove yourself when you start - perhaps an "emergency plan" that you rehearse in your mind...

    For example.....When I notice myself turning on the porn - I will...
    1. call a friend
    2. go for a walk, run, or exercise
    3. make a donation to charity
    5. say a prayer, read something inspirational
    4. drink some ice water (pour it on your face?)
    4. change the "channel" to ....(keep a list of sites, games or distractions handy)

    The above list is just an example. The key is not to condemn yourself and dwell on the problem or you quit thinking of solutions -

    Hope this helps... Keep fighting.
     
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Dazzle

    no yelling going to go on with me either, never worry about that or worry about sharing (easy to say, I know). But how courageous of you to post this and be this honest.

    Yes, therapy will help, definitely. That is a big positive for you, focus on the better thoughts rather than beating yourself up over going back to the porn. Accept that, at times, we all fall down, but get up again and continue on.

    I really don't have any good ideas, I am sorry. I do agree, too, that it is hard to figure out triggers sometimes. They can blindside us without warning very easily.

    I also can understand the relationship of the porn to the abuse you suffered - its such a horrid thing and I am sorry you experienced what you did.

    Take care.
     
  4. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    pollyanna

    are u saying that if i turn to jesus i'd stop watching porn? 'cos that's what those videos say, as does the pink cross foundation. i watched the videos and looked at their site because i wanted to be informed, and i'm open to all suggestions. but, really...

    where was god when i was being raped as a three year old? where was he when my sister and i were forced to have sex with each other while our abuser watched? he's interested in me now? well i'm not interested.

    i want to thank u for taking the time to respond to my thread, but i think we will have to disagree on this. your approach is shaming and i already carry around enough shame.
     
  6. Julia-C

    Julia-C Well-Known Member

    I spent the better part of the day trying to think of how to respond to you. I want to be honest, but I don't want to sound mean. It can be a scary thing to be in the situation you are in, especially having the thoughts and fantasies you are having about younger people. If I was to tell you it doesn't scare me that you have those thoughts, I would be lying. My hands are shaking as I try to put my thoughts into this post.

    Here is my advice, and please, please don't take this the wrong way. Only you know the extent of your possible predilections. Continue to seek help, even if you are never cured. Maybe keeping something like this under control enough to keep it in the digital world is enough.

    Again please don't take this the wrong way. My dad had an addiction to porn of the young variety. He never tried to get help for his problem, and it spiraled out of control. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I may have been making a comparison. I'm not making the a comparison, I just want to reinforce how important continuing with therapy is.

    I sincerely hope for the best for you.
     
  7. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Up until quite recently, my entire life has been affected by my childhood and the abuse surrounding it.
    I didn't realise though.
    I tried so hard to be normal, when infact, i was totally the opposite.
    Almost all of my most enjoyable sex involved control of some kind, i dressed it up with tenderness, passion and lies.
    Porn involving much older men still turns me on, so i stay away from it.
    How? Because i know its wrong.
    I stopped by super-imposing faces i knew onto the people in the films, using my mind.
    That sure made me uncomfortable.
    I have read so many of your posts, i think you are wonderful.
    Breaking the cycle that threatens to continue is a really empowering feeling.
    You have to look inside though, for me, no therapist can do that.
    Sure, they can rake it up.
    We both know that porn is an uncomfortable subject, no matter how we dress it up and try to always say" well i could be watching something worse"
    Next time you get the desire, think of someone you care about, take their clothes off in your mind, and make sure you see their forced smile as they come.

    As a footnote, involving the church on the subject of sex and porn is like asking Hitler to to hold peace talks, just plain wrong.
    For me, the control and abuse that religion gives, is an awful big reason badness in this world.
    It provides the devil on our shoulders with a cloak of hypocrisy.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2011
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thank u everyone for your thoughtful responses.

    julia, thank u for being so honest. i can say 100% that i don't have any RL attraction to underage girls. my best friend has teenage daughters and i honestly feel nothing towards them. in fact, it would horrify me if i did. but still the porn interest persists, and it does scare me. that's why i am honest about it with my therapist. i want to get to the bottom of this so that even the fantasies go away.

    i think recognizing and managing triggers will be key. thank u tbear for your ideas on alternatives.

    thank u everyone. i really appreciate your comments. i almost deleted this thread but i am determined to get better. and the only way forward is to get this out into the open.
     
  9. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I'm more messed up than i thought i was.
    Time to leave this subject alone.
     
  10. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Dazzle,
    I'm sorry I made u feel shameful, but that wasn't really my intent.
    It's not about God, Im sorry I made it seem so. I don't believe him it either, I was just trying to make u see that porn stars may share your feelings too...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2011
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    pollyanna thanks for clarifying. i'm sorry i misunderstood. i feel very sensitive around this issue. i think you are right, if i focus on the actors as real human beings with troubled histories (i know many were also abused) then maybe i will not want to watch them anymore. thank you again.
     
  12. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    No, it's my fault for not explaining myself properly.
    Having depression has made it very hard for me to express myself.
    thanks for understanding,babe.
     
  13. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Jees im sorry to hear all bout your childhood.did you always remember what happened or did you block it out.theres nothing wrong with looking at porn.you shouldnt feel guilty about how your mind works.
     
  14. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    To be honest porn is there to turn a person on.why think about the actors.i know I was angry in the thread when someone said I should work in porn if im good looking.but I dont judge porn actors.thats their own business.like prostitutes.i dont know why everyone going on about it.loads people look at porn.as long as its acting and not real and not abusive so what
     
  15. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi starryeyed

    thanks for responding to my post. to answer your questions, i remembered some but not all of my childhood abuse. i always knew i was sexually abused, and i always remembered the stuff with my sister, but i blocked out the first rape because, i think, it terrified me so much.

    as for watching porn, i am looking at stuff that is borderline illegal and so i know i need to stop before i accidentally stumble across stuff that is actually illegal. also, i don't like how it makes me feel afterwards. i feel very ashamed, not for the watching, but because i feel i am recreating my own abuse. it's very complicated. it often nauseates me because i am imagining my own abuse while watching the porn. it is degrading and does not encourage my own healing. quite the opposite.

    thanks again for your thoughts.
     
  16. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    Try watching man on woman or something.keep off illegal.surelt you will know if it is.
    Youd be surprised the stuff ppl have in their heads.stuff I told the doctors makes them think im a goner.i feel I was abused.not sexually but I was neglectedand locked away.no one believes me.its very frustrating.
    In trying to block the memories.eventualy you wont watch it anymore when you are more healed.you shouldnt feel guilty.
     
  17. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    i too have been thinking about how to respond, i am so sorry you were forced to go through what you did from such a young age. i wonder maybe if you watch the porn you do as you have been conditioned to this. you were forced to have sex with your sister while being watched and now you are the watcher...but luckily it is only digital. are you trying to understand what your watcher got out of it? you seem repulsed by being a watcher and maybe thats it, you just dont understand how someone could make you do what they did and you just dont get it..it could be just as simple as that.

    keep with the therapy and hopefully you will get some answers that will help you get through this. well done on being open...and like everyone else, i dont think badly of you either. :hug:
     
  18. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Dazzle -

    no judgement here, just comforting hugs.

    I hope you are doing okay, take care.
     
  19. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    Hey dazzle. Ive paraphrased what you said to apply it to what im going to reply with.

    I understabd and relate 100% with what you have said.
    I am the same. I understand it is most likely a product of my past that i am like this. Beig sexualised at young ages is a common cause of actions like these that we suffer.

    You said it yourself, its an addicition. And it also fits with your mental healtg diagnosis; bipolar. Sufferes of bipolar normallt have a substance abuse problem of some kind and sex(or in our case; porn and questionable fantasies) is one of those symptoms.
    I was actually told i was addicted to sex and sexual acts before i was told i was bipolar.

    And yes i also hold the thoughts of 'its me in that place, not that faceless actress' i completely understand that feeling.

    In a sence of dealing with it to stop abusing porn and yourself this way you can try a few things;
    If you want to try the promising yourself to get through this, reward yourself every day you go without porn. Something you enjoy, my rewards are normally food based as i love food and have always enjoyed food.
    And if you hit a big hurdle and feel lile your going to fall back, get off the computer, away from any stashes you have and do the one thing that you treasure above everything be it a bubble bath, aromatic crispy duck (my one ha) a shopping spree. What ever it is. Just do it to keep yourself away. But do a ppssotive action for yourself.

    Other than that. I would suggest using firefox web browser, you can get add ons that block specific sites that you add to a list. Yes you have to do it, but at least its some sort of precaution.

    Another thing. Is there a certain time frame these urges hit? Like at night? If you are on windows 7 yoi can set a net nanny just to block given sites at given times. But that may cause your urges to adapt time frames.


    I may be many years younger, but i understand this horrible thing yoir going through. If you feel i can help, please pm me.

    Apologies also for spelling. Im on my phone -.-

    :hug: dazzle
     
  20. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thanks guys.

    icequeen you may be on to something about the need to watch. i often ask my therapist what my abuser was thinking when he made us do stuff for him. she says to not go there, because we'll never know. it's enough to know he was selfish, sadistic and cruel. but still my mind wants to know. i kind of obsess on it.

    sheep, i would not be surprised it's related to being bipolar. when i get manic i start sleeping around like crazy, having unsafe sex, multiple partners, and so on. it's really out of control. my mania has been under control for a while (thanks to good drugs) but i wonder if some of it is sublimated into porn watching.

    MoAnamCara, thanks for the hug! that is so kind of you.

    c.
     
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