i have no clue where to post this, but since it relates to the sexual abuse i suffered i figured here was as good a place as any. i'm sorry in advance if this is triggering for anyone. i put a warning in the thread title.
so i think i have a problem with internet porn. i can waste hours and hours on the computer reading stories, watching videos, looking at photos. i tell myself i'm not going to look at it anymore, and then i go ahead and break that promise. after i feel guilty and ashamed.
even worse is the type of stuff i'm looking at. i deliberately seek out sites where the women are dressed to appear to be young (wearing schoolgirl outfits, etc). the guys can be any age, i don't care. i try to be careful and pick sites where they say the models are all over 18 but these days who knows. i could be looking at something illegal without knowing. and still i don't stop. and no matter how old the actors are i make the women young in my head. i'm not going to tell you how young, but it's young enough to be wrong.
my therapist knows all about this, and i mean she knows everything. she thinks i was quite possibly forced to watch my sister being sexually abused, and that's why i have this need to watch porn. she thinks i'm recreating scenes of abuse from my past. either i'm fantasizing that it's me being abused, or it's about watching my sister. either way it is a result of us being abused.
i can't stop. i guess that's one of the warning signs of a true addiction. that you break promises to yourself, and that there could be serious consequences to what you are watching and yet you don't stop.
oh god.
i don't know how to fix this, except by keeping talking about it in therapy and by becoming aware of my triggers. sometimes, like today, i don't even know if there was a trigger. i just found myself doing it.
please don't yell at me. if you have any good ideas i'd really appreciate hearing them.
i did install net nanny but i had to uninstall it, as it blocked too many non pornographic sites (for instance it blocks anything to do with gay rights, including the human rights organization where i volunteer). i couldn't handle the over filtering.
thanks for listening.
so i think i have a problem with internet porn. i can waste hours and hours on the computer reading stories, watching videos, looking at photos. i tell myself i'm not going to look at it anymore, and then i go ahead and break that promise. after i feel guilty and ashamed.
even worse is the type of stuff i'm looking at. i deliberately seek out sites where the women are dressed to appear to be young (wearing schoolgirl outfits, etc). the guys can be any age, i don't care. i try to be careful and pick sites where they say the models are all over 18 but these days who knows. i could be looking at something illegal without knowing. and still i don't stop. and no matter how old the actors are i make the women young in my head. i'm not going to tell you how young, but it's young enough to be wrong.
my therapist knows all about this, and i mean she knows everything. she thinks i was quite possibly forced to watch my sister being sexually abused, and that's why i have this need to watch porn. she thinks i'm recreating scenes of abuse from my past. either i'm fantasizing that it's me being abused, or it's about watching my sister. either way it is a result of us being abused.
i can't stop. i guess that's one of the warning signs of a true addiction. that you break promises to yourself, and that there could be serious consequences to what you are watching and yet you don't stop.
oh god.
i don't know how to fix this, except by keeping talking about it in therapy and by becoming aware of my triggers. sometimes, like today, i don't even know if there was a trigger. i just found myself doing it.
please don't yell at me. if you have any good ideas i'd really appreciate hearing them.
i did install net nanny but i had to uninstall it, as it blocked too many non pornographic sites (for instance it blocks anything to do with gay rights, including the human rights organization where i volunteer). i couldn't handle the over filtering.
thanks for listening.