Hi all. My posting here as I suppose is a testement to my stupidity and lameness for not having died by now. Most people in my situation would have successfully killed themselves many years ago. I have harassments on a massive scale, co morbid with actual hallucinations. My relatives decieve me, my mom decieves me. My mp3 recorder recitifies all of these (by constantly repeating mostly of the same information that clarifies matters). I have been harassed and denied by people around me. And though I can pretty much be sure that the entire country isn't killing me all the time at once. I have been harassed for being a stupid useless bum because I'm not working. Yet there are points in my schizophrenia that automatically amplifies because certain conditions have not been settled as of yet before doing so. People call bullshit on this, and my schizophrenia and me, or at least, who I used to be inside, regardless of how true this actually was. I cannot fulfill these conditions anymore to improve my schizophrenia, and actual harassments amplify and increase the amount and intensity of the delusions and hallucinations anyway. (but they still call it bullshit) I cannot survive in an environment that calls seeking help from the internet as "playing afool", or geniune socialisation on the internet as pretending to be someone I'm not, when I'm genuine about it. I certainly cannot tell between what is real and what isn't anymore. But people around me decieving me? That there is not one person IRL that I can trust? And that I'm supposed to ignore the whole country and not give a care about it all the time? I can't okay? I'm not strong enough. Don't tell me about finding psychiatrists and psychologists because they're making up stories too. Kinda hate it all... I wish I were dead, but I keep on failing at it. Normal people with my situations would have died many years ago. I can't fight this at all. Not when I'm constantly having brain damage and mental regression all the time as time progresses, and that there is not one person I can actually trust. Please stop telling me to find some help because there is no help that can be given from any person I can trust now, save one that would genuinely give me a real suicide pill. I'll be happy for that. They'll probably call all of this bullshit as well, even though its the truth. Truth doesn't matter anyway, winning was all that counts, that ever counted.