Intricacy & Simplicity

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mike25, Mar 8, 2007.

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  1. mike25

    mike25 Well-Known Member

    Since I turned 19 years old, I've often mused to myself during turbulent times: 'Mike, if things are still going downhill at 25, then kick the bucket.' Now that I've reached that milestone, I'm reviewing those things. The prognosis isn't favourable. For that reason, I feel powerfully compelled to set a date, and make the necessary preparations for suicide.

    I wish my life hadn't turned out like this. Incessant depression and wildly oscillating moods; isolation; debilitating health; emotional scars that don't heal. I wish there was something to hope for. Alas, life deals it's cards. My dearest wish now is that I'll summon the courage to kill myself with dignity.

    I have no function in this interdependent society, and neither do I care to manifest a productive function in the future. Sadly, I'm unequipped to live outside of 'the beast'.

    Thankfully, I know it's not my fault the way life has turned out. I don't blame anybody else either, because their behaviour was a product of their own equally traumatic experiences.

    Living in quiet desperation.

    P.S If anybody intends to post a reply, then may I kindly request that you refrain from writing sympathetic remarks. Ty.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2007
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Does compassion without sympathy count? If so, plez let me know so I can respond...thanks
  3. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    I hear you Mike, life is crazy at best.
  4. mike25

    mike25 Well-Known Member

    From my own experience, I know it can be difficult to find the right words in response to a post on the suicide forum. It's not necessarily what the person says in a reply, because it's the thought that counts. For that reason, I'd like to thank the people who took the time to post. It means a lot.

    Earlier today, I retreated to my bedroom, and decided to contemplate a hypothetical situation in which I was a prisoner on death row, awaiting execution via lethal injection in a couple of weeks. The experience re-ignited my appreciation for the simple things in life. Hearing the birds sing heartily. Sleeping peacefully. Inhaling the scent of a cherished person. Feeling warm sunshine on my face. Looking up on a starry night. Relishing a healthy tasty meal. Basically, an appreciation and gratefulness for freedom.

    I also watched a factual mountaineering documentary/drama called 'Touching the Void'. Recommended viewing. It is about two British climbers who embarked on an extreme adventure to scale the previously unconquered Suila Grande mountain in the Peruvian Andes, during the 80's. I came away from this film dumbfounded by the power of the survival instinct, and somewhat guilty that I would deliberately kill myself. At the very least, it relieved some darkness.

    Bizarrely, I feel comforted by a clear suicide plan - just knowing that it's there and ready. I like to think of different ideas to the overdose and cut wrist route of suicide. I wonder if I could kill myself via jogging until I pass out? If I die, then I died exercising. If I live, then I'm physically stronger. Win-win situation. My money motivated Uncle nearly killed himself through over working at his business. A couple of times, I've intentionally gone walking through dangerous areas of town at night with no money, in the hope of being attacked/killed by some weapon wielding criminal. Nothing so far.

    It seems clear that I don't want to kill myself. Why else do I make the effort to eat healthy, exercise 4-5 times a week, keep taking anti-deps, and trying to decipher a final all-encompassing answer to the enigma of depression and suicide. However, when the mental pain & anguish keeps coming non-stop for days/weeks/months on end, with no relief.... suicide appears like a preferable option. Where is my faith...?

    Thankyou for indulging me in this 'me me me' post. It helps to write things down. All my best to everyone.

    P.S Having interacted with people on this forum, I would just like to point out that some have found my style of writing to be rude/brusque. I'm honestly not like that in real life. I try to write in a precise fashion, and I'm sorry if people mis-interpret that.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi again Mike...just to let you know that I have gone through some experiences that seem similar to what you have written, and I am a fairly good listener (reader) if the monsters kick in, and you are looking for someone to be there, plez PM me..and, btw, I like your style of writing... I do not have to sort through the drama to get to the plot (sorry!)...Jackie
  6. MrDepressed

    MrDepressed Guest

    I also say that I enjyou your style of writing, you articulate well.. and I can see that you are willing to look at the simple and deep things of life, your obviously a thinker.. I may not agree with every point you make past, present and future, but I enjoy having you around..
  7. mike25

    mike25 Well-Known Member

    :hug: sadeyes
    :shake: MrDepressed
    Thankyou both for your replies.
  8. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    My deepest yearning all through my life has been for simplicity. This world and this life that one must lead in order to exist in it is far too complicated for a simple person such as myself. All humans have done in order to live better has lead to mind-boggling complexity that some of us just can't deal with.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad to see that your overwhelming urges did not take over and get the best of you. You made it past your milestone. I am wondering how things have progressed for you up until know and how you persevered to make it this far?
  10. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    I hear you Mike. You have to be honest with your feelings and one thing I like about this forum is I can be myself and post how I feel without people telling me I'm bringing them down, I'm being too negative, I need to get help. I do offer advice to people here if I feel warranted, but I don't try to tell them they shouldn't feel the way they do.

    Maybe writing a plan for suicide is comforting in a way because it gives you an "out" if things get too much. Maybe you have no intention of following it, but one of the worst things to me is feeling "trapped" by life. That there is no way out.
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