Intro for PhoenixFailed

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by PhoenixFailed, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter Study Facilitator

    I'm a 44 yo female, living with depression, anxiety and PTSD. Childhood abuse, date rape and a string of poor relationship decisions have left me feeling (again) like there is no where to go and no one who could possibly love me as I am a failure and am really struggling in this moment. User names I have taken on other forums have always had a grain of hope--I felt I was a survivor even when all the chips were down. I've been Phoenix, FromTheAshes, but now am simply PhoenixFailed. I'm losing hope by the second that there will ever be a functional restart of me. I have been through therapy of many kinds and most helpful, a group of survivors of childhood trauma for three years. When fear for my life (the irony) as a result of domestic violence made me flee my state, I had to leave that group behind. It has been a year and a half and I do what I always do, create professional success and a personal nightmare. I am in a relationship with a man who after over a year says I have caused him to lose all hope and I can believe it--I've lost all hope too.

    I'm really hoping to hear from someone tonight, as I know that has kept me off the edge of the clif before.

    One of the crazy ironies is that I am in a helping profession and try to turn young lives around so they are not me in a couple of decades.

    Suicidial ideation is strong right now and I am trying to arm wrestle it back into place. I am not at a point of action, but more like am believing if there is any right in this existence, a bridge will fall on me, I'll take a bullet meant for someone else or maybe, just maybe die in my sleep.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this. I do appreciate you and your effort in doing so.

  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome toe the forum. I hope it helps you. *hugs*
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  3. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter Study Facilitator

    Thank you for your kind response. It means a lot.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, can you seek any emergency shelter just to get support from a ladies refuge center. At the end of the day DV and emotional abuse is the same. It's only a suggestion so that you can get an change of environment. Struggling on your own does not help. Please continue to take care.
  5. troubledmind

    troubledmind Well-Known Member

    Hey Phoenix, Have you had any kind of therapy?? I had suicidal thoughts all thetime.. With five years of therapy I have learned to control it.. It never goes away but you learn to live with it..Your luckey you have someone to be with.. I haven't had a relationship in 18 years.. I have grown accustom to being alone.. The only drawback is I don't know how to talk to people anymore.. I wish you luck!! Keep posting here..
  6. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter Study Facilitator

    Nearly, 30 years, with some breaks. Most recent and successful was three years with someone trained in Pia Melody's Inner Child work.
  7. troubledmind

    troubledmind Well-Known Member

    So this is not anything new to you.. You came to the right spot here.. The members are very sensitive to your problems..I hope in time you can learn to love yourself again..Both my case manager with my insurance and my therapist are ready to give up on me.. I'm afraid of what I will do if this happens.. I have made progress they just don't see it..Talk to you later..
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Welcome to this forum, hope you find peace with yourself. Take care Phoenix
  9. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter Study Facilitator

    It is a constant struggle to find the good. I am sorry to hear of your case manager and therapist when you see your own progress. Good for you for seeing it. It takes courage and strength to do so!
  10. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter Study Facilitator

    Thank you for the welcome! Peace is closer now, but seems to fade in the wee sleepless hours of the night--for now. Wishing you goodness.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  11. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    I relate to the finding it harder to stay with the peace in the night, but the knowledge that I only have to stay okay for the moment itself helps me
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  12. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter Study Facilitator

    Thank you Innocent Fovever. I am starting to dread dusk and my the time night comes I have psyched myself out of sleep. Into the rabbit hole I go then. I will try your strategy of being present in the moment. I know I look forward and catastophize things.
  13. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    I've tried to reply to this so many times, not sure why it hasn't worked yet....
    In short what I was saying was that I really have found staying in the present to help me a lot. I don't need to worry about the future. Not even 10 minutes from now, for it's only this very moment and doing the next right thing that I have to care about. I repeat it to myself a lot at times, that it's just for now, just for this very moment.
    How are you doing?
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  14. PhoenixFailed

    PhoenixFailed SF Supporter Study Facilitator

    Better thank you! Did you start with a mindfulness training ( I love-insert self directed sarcastic face here-to make things as complicated as possible) or did you simply start with the "This is just for now, just for this very moment"?
  15. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step.

    (sarcastic faces inserted;) )
    Honestly, no.
    I was involved for some time with a 12 step program, for now I've taken a break as wasn't working the steps yet as it was, and needed to act out. Part of the program, not officially but one of the tools, is the knowledge that it's only for the moment. Nearly 6 weeks ago someone asked me to commit to giving life a go for 6 weeks, to commit to not trying to end it. I did. She explained to me why it's so important to just look at it as it's for the moment, as if you're coming head on against something you're not going to manage. And it really is just for the moment. You can read up on it if you want, but really it's the constant knowledge that you just have to do the next right thing, whether you will or won't be able to stay clean after that, or even what you end up doing, is irrelevant. Question is only right now, what can I do to stay okay, what is the next right thing. And when I am overwhelmed, it's just for today, just for this moment, just for the next 10 minutes, whichever works for me then.
    Hope I'm at least somewhat coherent ;).
    PhoenixFailed likes this.
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    A belated welcome to the forum. I am glad you joined a shared here with us, I am glad you like your job, that's a plus. What hobbies do you have, do you have many/any friends? Thanks for opening up here, showing others that they are not alone, I find that admirable. If you ever need to talk just drop me a message.