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Intro to SuicideForum: 101

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by MinnesotaMan, Aug 15, 2014.

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  1. MinnesotaMan

    MinnesotaMan New Member

    Why am I here? Excellent question; I'm glad you asked.

    First, let me quickly whip through 30 years of backstory. For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with severe depression and food addiction.

    I was an athlete in high school -- gained an enormous amount of weight in my early 20s -- and lost an enormous weight in my late 20s. At the time, I naively assumed losing all that weight was going to be the key to my happiness. I expected to gain the confidence I needed to tackle my many other problems, enter into a steady relationship, and essentially become that competent adult I had always envisioned.

    Well... that didn't happen. Instead, I uncovered an entire new set of problems that were much harder to tame. At least with the weight gain, I knew if I had the fortitude, a solution was out there. With these new issues -- depression, apathy, anxiety, self loathing, inability to be intimate, ect. -- to this day, I truly question if there exists anything even remotely close to a cure.

    After a few year of being skinny, but experiencing of a gross lack of personal fulfillment, I gave in to my base desires and started eating uncontrollably once again. I could go into detail explaining the kind of hell it is to gain 150lbs, but I'm pretty sure it's easy enough to imagine.

    In the past 2 years I've been to the hospital twice for mental issues, I've done 2 partial programs, tried DBT, went to a food addiction specialty program. I've seen multiple therapists and psychiatrists. I also gave up a solid career to truly tackle these issues. Yet today, I'm more in the hole than ever. Not only do I continue to grow more isolated and continue to put on more weight, but I've also grown convinced that our mental health institutions have no answers for someone like me. As a result, I've lost that flame, that drive, that internal voice of encouragement. I've become a husk of a human -- letting the garbage in my apartment pile up, letting my hygiene go unchecked, watching movies hour after hour, just waiting for each day to be over.

    I've promised myself that I will never consider suicide under rash circumstances. It will not be a response to an intense feeling of sadness or anger. The only way suicide will ever be an option is if I'm fully convinced that change is impossible and that my current state is permanent. That may seem like a lofty bar to clear, however, day after day, loose thoughts harden closer and closer to certainty.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Change is possible hun it is but one has to truly want it bad enough to do anything abt it Ihope you chose to try again new doctors new therapist but don't give up on YOU ok
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The change is possible and you already know this from your battle with weight before- the answer to change is simply that for anything else to change you must change something. In the case of food and weight no weight magically disappeared until you changed your diet and life style. Unfortunately as you found out that was a simple physical change and you had been looking towards that at the root of the problem rather than a symptom.

    Now you are older and wiser and know better- but still know the same base fact- that in order for anything to change you need to change your lifestyle. Eating habits and exercise may help - it does for many so long as it does not stop there- but the real change is in your outlook and ideas. It is not easy or simple and not just a matter of deciding to do things differently - it is really hard- but if you take your list of issues and work on them 1 at a time - something as simple as spend an hour or two each day for the next week working to clean up apartment- and take a shower every day - then you will have started the process to change and got yourself in a mentally receptive position to try things that actually matter. From that state of mind the therapists and stuff may have some useful ideas to help you - but just like the weight the first time it has to be a decision on your part that you want to change and are willing to try before anything anybody else can do will help at all. Then there is is the possibility to find purpose and eventually happiness.
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