Intro

[ygolo]

I am bipolar and get suicidal from time to time.

I know that usually, sleeping it off works usually.

But, I am excruciatingly lonely, despite putting on a smile, and trying to socialize more. I've been going dancing lately, and it helps a little.

Also, I have a close friend that I am trying to avoid developing romantic feelings for.

She is significantly younger and comes from a rather conservative family. She, like me, has had suicidal ideation. She is also planning to moves soon. I'll miss her immensely, but feel like she will be happier where she's going.

I am not sure what to do.

I am not suicidal right now, but have been and have thought out in detail my plan for ending it all.

All it takes for me to become suicidal now is believing that I will die alone. Then I think "may as well be now."

Usually, I stop myself for my parents and students sake. Then I just go to sleep.

 

[total eclipse]

Hi ygolo coming here then is a good thing You won't feel so alone and those thoughts of leaving won't be so intense then You keep reaching out here ok talk on chat post make new friends hugs

 

[ygolo]

Thank you. I like your Emerson quote, by the way.

 

[WildCherry]

Hi and welcome. I hope talking here will help you to feel less alone.

 

[ygolo]

As much as I tried avoiding falling for my friend, I did. I told her I was falling in love with her and she rejected me.

I then posted this on experience project: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Sick-Of-Being-Single/3405186?edited=t

I'm too lazy to re-type it.

Since then, she has responded, as did my mutual friend. I think we are still all friends, but it may be a while before they invite me out again, and I don't want to freak them out by doing so myself.

Still, it hurts so much. I want to die.

I don't want to tell my friend this because knowing she (inadvertently) contributed to making me feel this way would make her feel bad too. She is a wonderful person, but suicidal as well.

I've lost hope. People say that there is someone out there for me. This is bull-shit, why is it always some other person? Why is it not you?

I am short, and dark skinned. And I know that those or the two biggest variables for attractiveness in a man (at least amongst nerds and geeks). I have tried enough times to know that I have 95% rejection rate to pretty good precision. Only 1 out of 20 women will agree to even go on a romantic date with me. (Friends going out is fine...apparently I have a personality that people like to hang out with.) That is asking people I know in real life out. Meeting online is MUCH worse (50 times worse on Match.com, 10 times worse on E-harmony). Like I said, I've tried enough to know these numbers fairly well. I don't mass e-mail women either, I personalize my responses to women online over the course of 8 months but well over 1000 e-mails between the two sites, and only two dates...I was turned town for a second date with one, and didn't bother with the other because it was clear she had no interest in me.

So there it is, the evidence, that I am undesirable. The proof that my particular configuration of genes will fail in its biological imperative. This particular configuration of genes is unfit and will not survive. So why not end it now?

It would be fine if I were chaste or had no sex drive, I suppose. But I so badly want it. I have a strong drive to mate. I want to have children, and raise them up too.

But I am a junk bond on the meat market--A smelly anchovy that nobody wants.

 

[flowers]

ygolo, I remember long ago feeling similar feelings. I was not very attracive. And I did not have the self confidence to attract people. So it was hard. Now I dont care. So it makes it much easier. I do not have a desire to date. So its much easier. But I do remember how hard it was.

I hope you will keep posting at sf. You can make friends here. No it will not be the romantic kind of relationships, of course. But you will find some people who understand because they feel the same things.

 

[ygolo]

Self confidence doesn't attract people, it only helps you put yourself out there. I already do that (thousands of emails, even more attempts at initiating romance in real life over the course of a decade). Like I said people, women and men, like hanging out with me. I've tried enough to have successes. So I know my rejection rate to good precision. 19/20 women don't want romantic relationship with me. That is a fact, not a feeling. You want to know someone who can share my experience, look at Gary Coleman.

I can't tell you how infuriating it is to have people presume to know what I go through. If self confidence is all that you needed to have people attracted to you were not physically undesirable.

If you are a woman between 20 and 40, I find it unlikely that you know what it's like to be factually undesirable. Perhaps, if you are morbidly obese, or have a huge mole on your face. Even big women who are either white or Asian are more physically desirable (i.e. just even getting a shot at a relationship allowing personality to perhaps play a role) than hairy, balding, dark skinned, obese man, below 5'5".

Sure, you may think you are undesirable, but do you have active rejections that number in the thousands? Many of these were indeed polite, some even kind. But I've been slapped, punched, pinched, kicked, spat at, an even bitten, as a form of rejection, and I am generally respectful.

Has this happened to you? Is this where your "similar" feelings come from?

Sorry. I vented a little. Nothing personal. I know you were trying to help. But unless you've been rejected at the same frequency, volume and virulence as what I've experienced, I find it hard to believe you know what I go through.

 

[ygolo]

I appologize. I know people go through a lot here. I don't want to make it sound like, my situation is horrible. Or any worse than others.

But my problem is not one of confidence. It is one of factual undesirability, and how to deal with this.

 

[emily83]

hi.

welcome to the forums

 

[_Lily_]

Welcome

 

[meaningless-vessel]

Welcome to SF.

Hope the support helps you

 

[ygolo]

I've lost two close friends due to letting loneliness get the better of me. If I didn't force myself to sleep, I think I would have done it.

It hurts so much. I need to sleep again or I'll do it.

 

[ygolo]

I know I'm probably posting in the wrong place.

15 kids will need a substitute instructor if I do it. My sister will not see her brother at her wedding. My parents may blame themselves. My sensitive (former?) friends may be pushed over the edge if I do it.

I can't go through with it. There are too many things to put right.

But it hurts soo much. I feel so worthless.

 

[ygolo]

If l tell my friends they freak out. If I tell my family, they'd freak out even more.

If I tell work or school, they'll think I'm weak...even more than they already do. Theyll make me stopy program. I can't go on disability, that'd make me feel even more worthless, and I'd loose my house, and my roommate will have a huge problem to deal with. Of course, if I am gone, it is worse.

I'm sorry to those that this upsets. I needed to put it somewhere.

I am desperately alone. Those who got me no longer like me.

I don't want to do it. But it's too much. It's just way too much pain. I can't stop crying.

Why can't I stop crying?

 

[ygolo]

I'm calmer now. I should have given my friends more credit...obviously, I was not thinking straight.

 

[ygolo]

My friend who I fell for, told me she doesn't want us to be in contact anymore. That hurts a lot. I will respect her wishes.

But this only confirms to me that I am defective. It's too bad there is no efficient way to recycle people. Because right now, I feel like I'd be more worthwhile as spare parts for other people.

 

[ygolo]

Can someone move my posts thread to the Diary section?

I am feeling a little embarrassed that all this is all publicly visible.

Thank you.

 

[ygolo]

Am I pariah here too?

The friend who I fell in love with wants me not to contact her anymore, and our mutual friend has become cold and distant, and will only respond if I say something dramatic.

Is this how Christine Chubbuck felt?