Introducing... Dis!

[Diseraph]

Hi all, my name is Amber (Dis is my online handle). I am 25 and Australian. For the first time ever I have thought to go online and see if anyone feels how I do in this world or if I'm more than just a little odd in my beliefs

I have been struggling with depressive feelings since primary school which has escalated at times to suicidal thoughts and plans throughout my life. Recently I have completed my Bachelor of Nursing and am now doing a grad program (basically a year of apprenticeship) specialising in mental health. After 6 months I am now struggling to keep afloat with all the assignments and more importantly dealing with the mental health system which (at least in Queensland), treats people's rights like that of a dog - and the nurses who support it.

On another fence, over the years I have been trying to define what might be 'on the other side' as I am a very goal-orientated person. I don't believe there is Heaven/Hell nor any sense of an 'end'. The only way I could explain would be that I see this world as a 'alpha/beta' version and that after this one has been bug-tested and run it's course to the ground, we'll move onto something better.

(For all those non-technical people out there, the best comparison is C.S Lewis's 'Final Battle' book ending - sorry if I ruined it for you).

Now to bore you just a little more, this is the first time I've ever spoke out about my feelings/beliefs and I will be taking recreation leave to visit Tasmania in a few weeks with the original intent to look at getting work there and maybe building a house. Over the months, my plans have now changed and have seriously considered spending the time there looking for the most challenging cliff I can find and taking the leap into the 'real' version of what we are. This is partly because my depression has reached the point where I'm sick of my feelings/thoughts being with me for the rest of my life and because I have always believed this world was only ever a temporary sandbox before the real thing (therefore nothing here is permanent anyway)

What I am looking for here to see if anyone has similar feelings/beliefs and what have they done with it. And if not, its cool; I'd just be the odd one out or a nutter butter who has an unusual belief system.

Anyway if you've read this far thank you for listening to my story and umm HI! :mhmm:

 

[total eclipse]

Hi Dis welcome to SF No i do not believe there is an afterlife really
I have worked with people as well who have mistreated the mentally ill and it makes me so sad really. I too have depression it sucks but with meds as you know that depression can be lessened some You distorted thoughts from t he depression will also clear up. Anyways it is nice to have you hear hope to hear more from you hugs

 

[lancashirelass]

Hi dis welcome. I do believe in an after life which is better. I also suffer depression so if you want to talk i'm here :hug:

 

[In Limbo]

Your beliefs - which interest me - I'd like to hear more of - I have my own thoughts on this which are somewhat 'homespun'.

Your depression is something that to be honest, is causing you to think more about the first topic. Life is indeed temporary, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't make the most of it while we're here. If you'd like to talk about either subject further, I'd be happy to do so.

Chris

 

[ZombiePringle]

Hiya, welcome to SF.

 

[Speedy]

Unique welcome post, love it! Most original one I have read today, so mad props to you!

Welcome to SuicideForum! #5 to welcome you in this thread I reckon!

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi and welcome...I think many ppl feel as you have posted, especially when they work in mental health, they can see how ppl are really treated (so sad)..please continue to tell us what is going on for you and welcome again...J

 

[Diseraph]

Wow I'm really happy and amazed in regards to the responses here and am very thankful. It is very comforting to have these sorta comments that aren't judging or purely motivational.

@ total eclipse - I have considered anti-depressants but my GP was rather resistant to giving it, suggesting I try CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which I did 4 sessions before finding it masking my problems or rather, dealing with the symptoms. I will ask her again at my next appointment as I wasn't aware it affect thought patterns... just the mood. Cant' say it doesn't work without trying it first

@ lancashirelass - thank you for the vote of support. I do find myself feeling I should call myself depressed since compared to a lot of people who've gone through a lot more hell in their lives compared to me.

@ In Limbo -To make most of life has been always my motto and guiding factor and now while I agree that my depression certainly is influencing my beliefs to some extent, its also because I've been feeling like I'm pushing a boulder up a hill in futility (like the greek mythology) and not getting anywhere. and I'd love to hear your ideas, espcially if oyu had to listen to my wierd story

@Delusive-Sunshine & Mr. Alex - Thank you for the intro, I feel really welcomed

@ Sadeyes - Hmm I guess the biggest issue at the moment is the concept of 'voluntary' patients. It's more like a scam/con really. mental health team offer someone who asks for help and offer them an admission to a ward, stating if they go voluntarily they can leave at any time if they don't like the ward/treatment plan. Seems fair right? Reality is, if you say no, (even if you don't deteriorate or are aggressive), they force you under the Mental Health Act which gives them full rights to force treatment from admission to ECT (electroconvulsive therapy). Now I can understand this if you have someone who is obviously unwell, but it happens pretty much on all patients in the ward I'm in but a lot in other wards too. And I feel like a hypocrite feeling how I do, and then being cahoots with the nurses/doctors who are above these people, deciding their fates and treatment while pretending they're 'advocating' for them.

It is now my greatest terror that I'd say the wrong thing and be sent down that path, never to be free of the system. I used to think I was being dramatic and over-reacting until I saw a patient be admitted for sending a suicide note. He asked to leave the ward and did it by being polite, courteous and certainly not displaying any symptoms and did show insight and remorse. The doctors and nurses did their best to convince himt o stay and the instant he went back to his room, the doctors said 'if he tries to leave, put him on papers' (i.e. the MH act).

As you can see, I refuse to talk to any MH practitioner or medical professional because I know they are forced by law to admit anyone with serious suicidal thoughts/plans and I don't want to have that over my head when I'm trying to sort things out.

So again thank you guys for your wonderful words and ideas. It has really helped so far.

PS: I'm sorry if I've put my original post in the wrong place.

 

[total eclipse]

i can understand your situation i can here it is almost impossible to get admitted yet stay admitted the health care here turns their head and pretends nto to see i hate it so mch it hurts It seems where you are they are doing the opposite they care for their pt saftey but i understand i too would not want to take chance of being locked up even if it was for my own good. hugs:hugtackles:

 

[nolonger]

It's always good to have another Aussie here! lol

I can relate a bit with your 'odd' beliefs on life/death. I've always thought of life as a bad dream, and when we die, we wake up. Or I'm currently in a coma and this is actually a projection of my mind....I could ramble on all day about the crazy shit I think of but I'll stop before it gets to long :P

here if you need anything

 

[gentlelady]

:welcome: to the forum. I am glad you found us. :hug:

 

[Diseraph]

It's always good to have another Aussie here! lol

I can relate a bit with your 'odd' beliefs on life/death. I've always thought of life as a bad dream, and when we die, we wake up. Or I'm currently in a coma and this is actually a projection of my mind....I could ramble on all day about the crazy shit I think of but I'll stop before it gets to long :P

here if you need anything

i've never thought of it that way but i can totally relate now with your thinking. so what do you do/think when things get really heavy? After all if it isn't real...

 

[Soul of a Dragon]

Bill Hicks:
There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves...

 

[Diseraph]

Bill Hicks:
There is no such thing as death; life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves...

I wonder what our real selves would think...

 

[clairedelune]

Hello and welcome! I think I've thought the same too. That everything here is really temporary and that, it's a test if we're ready for the real thing. So, if you have some more time, I guess we could talk about it more.

 

[Pécheur]

Hi there and welcome!

You sound like a very intelligent and humorous person! That's great. :smile:
I think your ambitions sound realistic and as long as your beliefs don't get too much in the way then I say go for it.

You'll get anywhere the system has errors. Maybe another of your goals could be to step up and have it run how you would? Maybe set something up in the future where all involved in mental health sector can feel valued, how you would have liked. As for school work - is there any support you can get from anyone involved? School staff are there to help you get through your program with as much ease as possible so it might be of help to speak to them. And of course, the support you'll get from SF.

(i noticed you added a method in your post - ish not allowed) :shh:

Hope to see you around Amber. :shake:

Peach.