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Introducing... Me

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by UndergroundMan, Sep 1, 2008.

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  1. Possibly triggering....

    Hi. I'm new here, a friend told me about this place so thought I'd give it a try.

    I'm 30 year old, I suffer from social anxiety and severe depression. Because of the anxiety I dropped out of college, have never had a job, and don't have any friends except a couple of people I've met online (but no one I can hang around with or talk to in person). Since I've been living with my parents with no job and no prospects of a real life, my depression is more than just something I experience occasionally, but something I basically live with. I feel it sometimes more than others. Medication definitely helps. But the problem isn't just emotional, it's mental as well. I may feel normal--which for me is moderately depressed--but when I think about my life, I don't think about how to get a job or how to change things, because in my life nothing I've tried to do to change things has ever worked. IT's hard to believe things can change when they never have. Sometimes, even when I'm not depressed, suicide just makes sense to me. More sense than going on like this, day after day with all the burdens I carry with me and can't put away, all the failures of my life. I just don't know why I keep going on like this.

    The loneliness is the worst. I don't have any friends to do things with, or who can help me out when I'm feeling bad. The friends I've met online are great and I don't think I would've lasted this far without them, but it's hard. Everyone I befriend online lives completely on the other side of the country. Last month I had actually made plans to visit one of them, someone who has been a very close friend for almost 5 years, someone who literally saved my life on the only day I was actually planning on killing myself... with no job, something has to be very important for me to spend a lot of money on it, and this trip was the first thing in my life I had to look forward to for years. But then something happened in her life, or in her mind, I don't know. She stopped writing or calling me, and wouldn't return my emails or calls. I had to cancel the trip, and deal with the fact that such a close friend had decided to ditch me. Because I don't have many friends and don't make friends easily, something like this is a huge deal, and it triggered a terrible depression.

    I slowly got over that, and now I'm back where I always am, nothing to do. Boredom is a huge problem. There are times when I'd spend whole days in bed if I could. There just isn't any reason for me to get up. I'm not needed anywhere, except for my parents there is no one who would notice if I was alive or dead. I do keep living, I don't know why, and if any of my remaining friends told me they were planning their deaths, I would try to talk them out of it, even if that would make me a hypocrite because I often wish I could die. Frankly, I just don't see any other life for myself. I've been like this so long, I don't belong out there in the real world. I'm just a defective person, and years of not being able to build a life around my faults have just made it practically impossible. I'm just broken. Which doesn't mean I couldn't have friends or a life, but I'd never be comfortable around 'normal' people. I'd rather be around people like me. Does that sound odd?

    So that's why I'm here. Most of the time I'm either in the grip of a depression and just want it all to end, or I'm thinking that suicide makes more sense than waking up to this everyday for the rest of my life.

  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum Joe. Can you get a job doing something online? Are you on SSDI or anything to help you out financially? What about any type of counseling? You say you don't try to change things because you don't think they can since they haven't so far, but really they can. It depends on how much you want to put into it. Your parents will not be around forever. Have you made provisions for that? I don't believe ending your life is the answer. The issues you face are not insurmountable although I know they feel that way. Hang in there. I hope we are able to give you enough support that you can have a change of view on things. :hug:
  3. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Hi Joe, and welcome. I have trouble with people around me as well. I have friends I visit every now and then, but sometimes I think it would be better if I were a alone, if there were no need for me to interact with other people. Of course I have to, but what I'm saying is that there is a life for loners too. You say you suffer from social anxiety, but there are things you don't have to do with others, like developing a hobby. I reccomend drawing or learning a simple instrument such as an ocharina, you know the little flute/whistle things. Depression can weigh you down, but there are still plenty of possibilites for you. What do you mean you dropped out of college because of anxiety? Are there no possibilities for going back? Do you think therapy will help you? If you ever need friendship or support, you can always find it on this site. Hope you feel better!
  4. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    Hey Hey, welcome to the forums!

    There's a lot with you I can relate to... especially the loneliness. I learned myself that the best way you could do is keep yourself busy with various things, like ItThing said; start up a new hobby, chat with friends online, etc.

    Most of all you can come here to talk about your problems and have friends listen and give advice the best they can.

    Again, welcome to the forums. :hug:
  5. jdb

    jdb Member

    Hi Joe,

    Considering how bad you're feeling, to the point of contemplating suicide and not wanting to wake up, you should consider the alternative: geting a job. You'll meet other people and in spite of the anxiety of being around them, you'll get the reward of being strong and facing things. Mind that I'm on the same situation as you, and I fear facing real life challenges a lot, but I think there is a moment in life in which we do have a choice on not letting our fears stand in the way for the cure, and the cure is to move on and do what you'd be doing if it wasn't for the ilness. In spite of the fear of failing, you can do it.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum :arms:
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member


    Enjoy your time on here.
  8. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forums. :hug:
  9. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF, hun. :hug:
  10. Izziebabystar

    Izziebabystar Well-Known Member

    btw i love your nickname :p
    im izzie welcome to the wonderful world of sf
    i hope you enjoy your time here and make freinds with the other nutty ocupants like me :p

    i sound like a hotel lady or sumin lol

    if you need anything im usualy online so feel free to contact me
    im always up for a chat no matter hwat its about
  11. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni

    hey bud.

    call me mikel, and my pm box is open for anyone...just so you know


  12. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    Welcome to the forum!
  13. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Joe :smile:
    Depression and loniless are terrible things. It's so easy to get into a downwards spiral in the grips of those feelings and be unable to pull yourself out of it without help. Maybe being here will help you get more friends, and maybe feel more confident about doing things in real life as well. I hope you find help and support here
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