I've had depression my entire 48 years on this earth. Been to so many therapists, been on so many meds, read so many books, nothing helps for long. My soul mate of 25 years left me a few months ago, finally got so sick of me he couldn't stand to be near me, after spending years convincing me he would never, ever leave me. I can't blame him, I'd leave me too, if I could. I feel so desperate, words can't contain the depths of my agony, hopelessness, pain, misery. PAIN. I'm just pain encased in skin. I can't reach out to anyone, because then I'm only a burden they can't fix, I just cause more pain. Even my current therapist is more about herself than me (she told me her depression was worse, at least I can sleep & eat; I have atypical depression, so that's pretty much all I do: sleep & eat, and I am currently more than 100 lbs overweight). I realized I can manipulate her to talk more about herself than about me, thereby protecting myself. And I watch myself do it & feel superior, smug. How f***ed up is that? (I'm not sure if I'm allowed to curse here or not.) I think about ending my life all the time now. There don't seem to be any really good options, but I'm still researching. I know now that I will ALWAYS have this darkness, I will always have this depression, this pain, this hopelessness. I will never be a content or happy person. I am not constructed that way. I will never stop hurting. I will never stop pushing people away. All the while, smiling, joking, pretending to be fine. I don't really know how to go on.