Introducing myself

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by MikeB, May 26, 2013.

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  1. MikeB

    MikeB Member

    Hello everyone. I'm 52 years old and have struggled with depression for most of my life. Some of my earliest memories of childhood are of feeling alienated and alone. I never really felt a part of my family -- at least not until recently when my dad became ill with multiple myeloma. He died on Mar. 29. I have only rarely felt close to anyone.

    I've struggled with suicidal thoughts many times in my life, but lately -- since January of this year -- they've been especially bad. One weekend in February I decide to go through with it. I decide to go buy a gun and finally end my life. There's a required 5 day waiting period to buy, here, though. When I realized that I would not be able to do it that day, I decided to wait. By the next day I had changed my mind. Most of the time I think about it, it seems so inviting. I feel so calm and at peace when I imagine myself doing it, but then I think of the pain it would cause my mother. My mom went through a lot with my dad's illness; she was at his bedside when he died. I don't want to cause her more pain.

    I am single and have never been married. I have no friends. Connecting with people has always been difficult for me. When I was younger, I always ended up making friends eventually, and I've had a few dating relationships. But I've had to move around a number of times for my career, and every time -- and as I've gotten older -- it has gotten harder to meet people and make friends. And I have never been very good at keeping in touch with friends when I move away. Plus I think I have alienated friends in the past with my depression.

    I moved to Seattle in March of last year, and have made no friends here. I sank pretty quickly into a very bad depression. I started to make friends with a woman at work for awhile last year, but after the new year, she didn't seem to want anything to do with me anymore. I think I may have alienated her with my depression, but I'm not sure. I found out she didn't really want to be friends anymore about the same time I found out my dad was dying from multiple myeloma. My depression really spun out of control, then, and I started thinking very seriously about suicide.

    I've really felt like I've needed someone to talk to about this, but don't really have anyone to talk to. I spoke with my doctor a couple of weeks ago about my depression. I found out one of my niece's is on medication for bipolar disorder. I think I may have that, too. Finding that out encouraged me to talk to my doc. All they've done so far, though, is prescribe a sleeping pill for my insomnia. I had to stop taking it as I think I was having side effects and it was making my depression worse. I have a follow up visit on Tuesday.

    I've really felt like I need to talk to someone, and have found my way here. Sorry if this is long. I've tried to keep it brief, but just felt like I wanted to get this off my chest. It feels good to say this -- even if it is just in a post in a forum to strangers.

    Anyway, thanks to all of the people here who offer kind support, here. I've read over a few of the other intros, and the kind words people offer in response. My heart goes out to everyone else in pain.

    That's call I can say right now. Thanks for listening.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey Mike. Glad you are here. This IS a great place to talk about things. your post was not too long, by the way. I am sorry life has been so hard for you. And of course i am very sorry that your dad passed away. My dad died when I was 29. It threw me for many years. I am impressed that you are seeking help from your doctor. Also impressed that you were able to discern that the sleeping pills you got were causing the depression to be worse. Is your doctor a psychatrist? i only ask because of course they tend to know more about how to treat psychiatric conditions such as depression and biploar.

    Anyway, great that you found your way here. I hope you will not give up on getting the right medication. And will be looking to read update on what the doc says on Tuesday. Take good care of you !!
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI MikeB and warm welcome.. I am about 30 miles south of seattle myself.. glad to have another Washingtonian aboard.. ok sleeping pill did not work out.. suggestion to you is to try to see a professional mental health doctor (shrink, Psychiatrist ) ... you could use some help and someone who is on your side and wants good for you from someone who specializes in this!!!

    I have suffered from bone chilling depression along with some other mental illness for lot of my soon to be 66 yrs... have had some good professional help in my life and it saved and helped me very much so.. in the meantime congrats on opening up here and taking the walls down with us.. big step sir mike.. look around at all the forums.. also chatrooms are usually occupied with good people also.. now that you have started on here try not to just fade away into silence again... keep talking sir please...

    on chance you may also have bipolar and probably deep depression meds can help with this very much.. follow thru with getting some good help with all of this.. if you click on my username jimk or on messages at top of home screen and click send message , you can start talking with me.. I will reply.. been where you are now also. later, jimk
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Hello Mike, glad you found us. It can be difficult finding the right doctor, medication whatever. Persevere, it's worth it. Hope your appointment tomorrow is fruitful.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Mike :)
  6. MikeB

    MikeB Member

    Thanks, all, for the kind responses. The doc I'm seeing is just my GP. I wanted to see a psychiatrist, but wasn't sure where to start to find one, and trying to find the right one while I was feeling so bleak seemed daunting. I decided to just go talk to my GP about it and see where that leads. I've been reading quite a bit about depression and bipolar disorder lately. In the past, I don't think I ever thought of this as something I should seek treatment for. But reading stuff about depression and bipolar disorder that talks about the recognizable symptoms, I so often see myself in the description. That's given me a bit of a different perspective on it and started me thinking that I should seek treatment. Based on what I've read, I think I may have bipolar II disorder. The symptoms seem to fit what I've gone through, though I'm no clinician so I don't really know.

    jimk, if you have any recommendations for a psychiatrist in the Seattle area, I'd welcome them. Otherwise, perhaps I'll just wait and see what my GP recommends. I'm thinking of maybe checking out a peer support group, too. I saw another thread in the forum that mentioned those. Maybe I'll look into that, too.

  7. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    HI again Mike.. I live too far south of you to be able to give you recommendations on places and people to find help with.. There is a website which is a yellow pages on the web.. One suggestion is to first try to find a mental health center near you.. and sometimes they offer care at reduced prices if needed.. MHC's also have therapists and support groups..

    can be a bit scary at first but you mjight get used to and welcome some trained professionals helping you.. first time might not be the ppl for you and then maybe try someone else.. Also mike there are a lot of mentally ill ppl right here on SF's.. all in various stages of dealing with mental illnesss. We feel safe talking about this here..

    No judging, putting down or labeling.. just another soul looking for a friend or two who wants some help.. It is what this place is for.. OK always to send me a private message anytime using the directions I gave previously in this thread.. I would love to hear once in awhile how things are going!!!
  8. MikeB

    MikeB Member

    Thanks, I think I'm doing OK. I went to the doc appt. My doc is actually with a clinic affiliated with University of Washington. I told my doc everything, and he mentioned that they have a social worker there in the office and a couple of psychiatrists that work with the clinic. He took me over to the social worker, then, and we talked. I had another appointment with her today. She's working with the psychiatrist to recommend a course of treatment. She also gave me a list of other psychiatrists she recommended that I can contact. They seem to have a pretty good program for dealing with this thing at my doctor's clinic. I have another appointment next week and will probably start calling some of these psychiatrists to see if any of them can schedule me in.

    I'm feeling better than before. Just very tired. I've felt exhausted these last couple of days. After the doc appt., I went home, had some dinner, then went to lay down on the bed because I felt very tired. I just fell right asleep. I did the same thing after work, yesterday. Other than that, though, I'm feeling better than before.

    I think I'm feeling pretty positive, for now, about taking these steps.
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mike, good to hear that there is so much hope for good treatment with social worker and psychiatrist. I so respect the steps you are taking to bring your health in to balance. I can see why you would be "feeling pretty positive, for now, about taking these steps".
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad to hear things are moving in a positive direction for you Mike. The hardest part about getting help for MI is taking that first step. I hope the first psych you see is a good fit for you and the process of better tomorrows soon begins. Take care :grouphug:
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