Hello everyone. I'm 52 years old and have struggled with depression for most of my life. Some of my earliest memories of childhood are of feeling alienated and alone. I never really felt a part of my family -- at least not until recently when my dad became ill with multiple myeloma. He died on Mar. 29. I have only rarely felt close to anyone. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts many times in my life, but lately -- since January of this year -- they've been especially bad. One weekend in February I decide to go through with it. I decide to go buy a gun and finally end my life. There's a required 5 day waiting period to buy, here, though. When I realized that I would not be able to do it that day, I decided to wait. By the next day I had changed my mind. Most of the time I think about it, it seems so inviting. I feel so calm and at peace when I imagine myself doing it, but then I think of the pain it would cause my mother. My mom went through a lot with my dad's illness; she was at his bedside when he died. I don't want to cause her more pain. I am single and have never been married. I have no friends. Connecting with people has always been difficult for me. When I was younger, I always ended up making friends eventually, and I've had a few dating relationships. But I've had to move around a number of times for my career, and every time -- and as I've gotten older -- it has gotten harder to meet people and make friends. And I have never been very good at keeping in touch with friends when I move away. Plus I think I have alienated friends in the past with my depression. I moved to Seattle in March of last year, and have made no friends here. I sank pretty quickly into a very bad depression. I started to make friends with a woman at work for awhile last year, but after the new year, she didn't seem to want anything to do with me anymore. I think I may have alienated her with my depression, but I'm not sure. I found out she didn't really want to be friends anymore about the same time I found out my dad was dying from multiple myeloma. My depression really spun out of control, then, and I started thinking very seriously about suicide. I've really felt like I've needed someone to talk to about this, but don't really have anyone to talk to. I spoke with my doctor a couple of weeks ago about my depression. I found out one of my niece's is on medication for bipolar disorder. I think I may have that, too. Finding that out encouraged me to talk to my doc. All they've done so far, though, is prescribe a sleeping pill for my insomnia. I had to stop taking it as I think I was having side effects and it was making my depression worse. I have a follow up visit on Tuesday. I've really felt like I need to talk to someone, and have found my way here. Sorry if this is long. I've tried to keep it brief, but just felt like I wanted to get this off my chest. It feels good to say this -- even if it is just in a post in a forum to strangers. Anyway, thanks to all of the people here who offer kind support, here. I've read over a few of the other intros, and the kind words people offer in response. My heart goes out to everyone else in pain. That's call I can say right now. Thanks for listening.