Introducing Myself

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Trance, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Trance

    Trance Well-Known Member

    Before I get something’s off my chest I’ll just cut to the chase and tell you all the disorders I have: Bi-Polar Disorder, Multiple Personality Disorder, and Sexual Addiction.

    I guess all my problems stem from when the beatings started. I was only six but I was aware that something was wrong with daddy, he wasn’t normal, and nor was mommy, who somehow always had an excuse for why I was beat. I'd been brainwashed from an early age that you never tell on your family, no matter what the nice teachers said about allowing no one to harm you I kept quite. My father explained to me that he was beat by his mother and that some kids needed to be beat so that they wouldn’t grow up to be spoiled and dependent adults, and my six year old mind believed him.

    One day my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to see one of daddies tapes that I always saw lying around the house. As soon as the movie started I knew that I shouldn’t have been watching but the six year old in me couldn’t stop watching. If only I had known that early exposure to pornography can result in a sexual compulsion to strong to control. I find it funny that people think that sexual addiction is no big deal, that I got lucky in a sense, but those who don’t have it don’t understand. Its always clouding your mind, torturing you until you no longer fight the impulse. The older I get the stronger the impulse and the more control I lose over it. My biggest fear is becoming a rapist, I don’t want to hurt anyone because of my problem.

    Seeing as so many people on this forum are Bi-polar I don’t feel I need to go into it.

    I was diagnosed with MPD late last year, a little bit after turning 16. I always felt as if I was sharing a personality with someone else. My personality contradicts itself all the time. I'm a loyal person but then again I love pretending to be close to someone and then watching how much it hurts them when I betray them. I love making people smile and laugh, but then again the other side of me enjoys the tears and heartache I sometimes cause. One part of me doesn’t care what people think of me, the other half is constantly trying to be accepted. I've learned to blend my personalities into two pretty well which makes for the real me, but when they separate and I have no control that’s when we have trouble. One minute I love someone the next hurting them is the highest thing on my agenda.

    Killing myself is a constant thought every night when I cry myself to sleep. I've attempted so many times that my parents keep me on constant watch. The only reason I can see for my father keeping me alive is so that he can abuse me. At the moment I’m living for Trance music, my dream to become a writer, and for the fact that I’m moving out in 8 months. I’m sure living on my own at 17 will be hard but I know that I deserve better and that only I can help me.
  2. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum Trance! :hug:
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum Trance. I am sorry your father uses you for what he does. Moving out may be the best way for you to survive. Please take care and stay safe. :hug:
  5. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the`ll find here lots of people who feel like you, who you can share your suffering with. Wrtting its an exelent way to cope with everyday problems, keep doing it!
    Moving out its sometimes the best you can do, try to think about every detail about what will happen and what do you need before doing it, just in case. If you ever need to talk, pm me or any of us^^
  6. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF!! :hug:

    If you ever wanna talk you can PM me. :smile:
  7. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF :smile:

    Keep hanging on to those thoughts that you will soon be able to get out of the horrible situation you are in. I hope until then you will get the support and friendship you deserve to get through this

    Take care,
  8. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    Welcome to SF hunny. It is good to have you, see you around *huggles*

  9. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum Trance and thank you for sharing your story!

    Your right, moving out at 17 would be difficult but it sounds like it's for the best. After what you've been through you sound like a very strong person - something to be proud of!

    Hope to see you around the forum and in chat! :smile:
  10. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Welcome x
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