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Introduction: Incredibly Alone

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by 1117, Jun 23, 2010.

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  1. 1117

    1117 New Member

    Hello, I'm new to this forum, I found it while searching for suicide methods.
    I guess I'm one of your 'Antiquities' so not much up on internet jargon, etc. and not much for blogging.

    I've been clinically depressed for about 25 years, and each year I get more tired of fighting it. The suicidal thoughts have only been coming in for the last few years, and I'm finding it harder to justify why not.

    I have no friends and family that I can turn to. My mother and I have never connected in this life. People who I thought were good friends have over the past few years blown me off and refuse to talk to me. I'm not sure I want to meet any new people, and I've stopped talking to the few acquaintances I have left, so soon they'll blow me off too - yeah, I know that's typical for depressed persons. The people I talk to daily are co-workers, who have no idea of what I'm going through, and I would not confide in them anyway. Those I have confided in will say "oh, its not that bad, you still have something to live for". They have no idea.

    I guess I do have something to live for - my dog and constant companion of 5 years is seriously ill. I have been her constant caregiver now for the past 5 months and the work involved along with the cost of her care is really wearing me down. During her illness I have been amazed by how completely she trusts me. I'm afraid, however, that she is my reason for keeping going right now, and when she dies I'll need to confront my suicidal demon.

    Fear of failure had held me back from a real attempt.

    I've been to see countless therapists, psychiatrists, etc., been on just about every medication out there. The therapists and drs have no idea, just want to keep giving me meds. The meds drive me crazy, and in fact one med gave me uncontrollable rages and I wanted to harm others. I've been off meds for 2 years now, and am no worse off for being so, probably better because I don't have all the side effects that made me more depressed. I'm not seeing a dr right now either - the last guy just messed up my life even more and I don't want to bother wasting my time.

    I can't get any kind of 'real' help for my depression. You see, I'm mostly highly functioning. I hold onto my full time job by the fingernails and I work in a job which requires a high level of concentration where I am directly responsible for the safety of others. I've been in complete despair and in the emergency room of my local hospital, where I was refused help and turned away.

    Anyway, just looking for some dialogue with people who can relate and understand, and just wanted to have some record of who I am.

    Thanks for listening.

    (mods please move this post if its in the wrong section)
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome to Sf, you have come to the right place to find 'people who can relate and understand'.
    I'm very sorry to hear about your dog, she is very lucky to have you care for her.
    I hope you find the help and support you are searching for here at Sf.

    Take care Hazel
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hi 1117..:welcome:..
    I'm sorry you're suffering with this terrible illness too....
    I understand what you're going through....
    I hope you'll keep reaching out here and we can offer some support..:hugtackles:
  4. TrentGrad

    TrentGrad Well-Known Member

    I can't believe how much I can relate to what you wrote.

    I've been dealing with a depressed mood for roughly 20 years, although the last 7 years, since the death of my younger brother, have been the most difficult...and the last 4 years have given me the biggest struggles of all.

    I too have no friends I can really turn to, and although I am close to my family, I can't really confide in them because they just do not understand! :( I have, in years past, felt like I made some good friends, only to have the friendship collapse...and now, the two I have counted as friends seem only to be humouring me...and never really have any time for me. I suspect it's just a matter of time before they stop calling or making plans with me altogether.

    I have colleagues at work, and at times I have confided to a degree with them...but although some of them are very nice, they really don't care. And to be fair to them, why should they? They don't really know me...and I have nothing really in common with them.

    I've been on a myriad of medications over the years...none of which has really helped me accomplish a recovery that lingered. In one case, on a high dose of effexor, I found myself constantly angry and combative. I stopped seeing the psychiatrist (who routinely had me on 3 meds at the same time), however I have begun seeing a family doctor who has placed me on one medication.

    I have been at varying times "high performing," however three years ago that changed for the worse. One year ago, I returned to my job...but now I've been away from work for three weeks, and I may in short order find out I don't have a job to return to. My hope is that when I see my Doctor again, she'll perscribe a sedative that I can use to increase the amount of sleep I'm getting...because 1-2 hours/night just isn't enough for me to perform the job I'm charged with performing.

    I don't have a pet, but when I do see my father, their cat remembers me well enough, and seems to provide me with a great deal of affection. She's an older cat, had a stroke we think, so she doesn't keep herself groomed very well. I find myself wondering how I'll handle it when her time comes. :(

    I'm very sorry that you were turned away from an emergency room when you went there for help. It's a sad testament to that hospital that they would turn you away. :(
  5. 1117

    1117 New Member

    I'm high function because I have to be. I have exhausted social networks for help and been turned away, I don't know if I could qualify for disability and wouldn't be able to survive on that program. Heck, I can barely get by working full time, I have very little left over for food and nothing at all for entertainment, not that I'd want to go out anyway.

    Its a huge struggle to keep my job, and keep everyone safe. It leaves me exhausted all the time, which makes my job tougher as I need to concentrate all the time. I'm on the edge though, it wouldn't take much to tip me over, I'm barely holding on.

    Friends, that's tough too. I'd like them to cut me some slack because of my depression, I often won't answer my phone, or go months without calling, yet at the same time don't want people to be friends with me out of pity. I make it difficult for them. As a defence mechanism I choose work shifts that make it difficult to socialize (evenings and weekends) or take part in any activities. Then there's the social anxiety.

    Its good to see there are others here who are experiencing the same things. My drs have made me feel very isolated, like I'm the only one experiencing these problems and just want to give me meds so I'll go away.

    Thanks for your comments, TrentGrad
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