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Introduction (possible ramble)

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Mama_Pills, Jan 22, 2010.

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  1. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    Hi, everyone. I'm not really sure where to start :\ ...

    I guess, first of all, maybe I'll tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Angela and I'm a freshman musical theater major. Singing and dancing may sound like all fun and games, but it's pretty grueling, lol. And while I want to continue with 'but I get by', it's hard to do so and feel like I'm telling the truth anymore.

    Growing up, and even now, I have a very supportive, loving, and close-knit family, with both of my parents and in the middle of two brothers. I guess maybe a lot of the things I feel might be related to middle-child syndrome? But I could be making that up. I have a few close friends now, though I can only truly say I have one real best friend, but even that seems to be falling apart.

    None of this started until I was in 6th or 7th grade. Kids can be cruel, and we all know that, whether or not we have experienced it ourselves. I had three good friends in grade school, but even then, in a class of 20 girls and 7 boys, the catty-ness was overwhelming. One of the girls' mothers reported me to the principal, stating her daughter told her that I was 'mentally unstable' and 'dangerous', and that I had threatened to kill her, though I'm still not really sure why, unless she overheard an inside joke I had had with my friends after we had seen The Ring. (We would go around saying 'Seven daysssss' to each other. Kind of silly.) She left the school and the principal talked to my parents, blaming it on the music I listened to and the video games I played.

    The girl's friends labeled me then as the weirdo of the class. There was a boy who would bully me a lot any way, but then a small group of girls started to as well. They would call me names or make fun of the music I liked or the way I dressed, which is silly thinking about now as an adult, but things like that stay with you. I have extremely low self-esteem. The bullying escalated to the girls coming to my front door and asking my mother if I would come outside. She knew that I was bullied a lot, so she always told them I couldn't come outside. I don't know what they were going to do or say, but I don't really want to know. I used to get e-mails and instant messages from these girls all the time.

    Soon I found out that my best friend at the time had spread a rumor to our class and the one above it that I was a lesbian and in a relationship with another one of my close friends, who stopped talking to me after that, because, while I have nothing against homosexuals, for a 7th grade girl who just wants a boy to make her feel pretty for once that's kind of harsh. I was left primarily alone after that, feeling like there was nowhere to go and nothing I could do, and that's when I started cutting. In 8th grade I didn't talk to mostly anyone, because I didn't feel like there was anyone I could talk to. My self-harm has been an on-and-off thing since then, peaking again in my Junior year of high school when a girl I was friends with had to hold me down so I wouldn't do anything.

    It died down after that, because I met a small group of girls that I got along with, after being virtually shunned from the music department because I don't drink or smoke. I got to college and promised myself things would get better, but they didn't. My first semester of college started out fairly well, though it was a big adjustment. It's a busy schedule, and I have lots of work, plus the acting studio I am in is very demanding psychologically (details if you want, but it's sort of long to explain). By the end of the semester, I was crying all the time, and half the time I had no idea what was going on around me. I went through the motions of living, but didn't feel like I was actually alive.

    I couldn't sleep at night, and I would see and hear and feel things that were not actually there. I began having panic attacks, which I have never had before, and my eating habits went absolutely loopy. I was tired all the time, and there have been several instances where my friends have had to coax me out of my thoughts by saying my name over and over again. I get lost thinking about the ways I can do it, or what my letters would say. I am extremely paranoid and anxious and I have a lot of problems trusting people. I have 'episodes' where I snap and get upset and feel like screaming and tearing things apart and then suddenly everything is okay again. I constantly feel like my shoulders and my arms need to be moving or I am not comfortable, even though it is extremely uncomfortable and irritating.

    I did start cutting again, and although I know I need help and that it's wrong, it's the only thing I feel like I have. I said earlier, I have a friend who I consider my best friend, who I used to tell all of this to, but she's beginning to get distant since she told me one day that she feels more like my therapist than my actual friend, and she's sick of listening to all of my problems. She apologized the day after and told me that isn't how she actually feels, but every time I try to talk to her she either doesn't answer or she is very passive, and I don't trust anyone at school enough to talk to them, and I feel trapped and lost.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hey Angela, welcome to SF!

    Have you ever considered seeing a therapist or counselor? It might be worth a try, to see if talking things out helps you.

    :hug: Glad you posted!
  3. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    Hi :] &thank you.

    It actually got to the point where my work study boss slipped me a yellow sticky note with the name and phone number of a counselor on it. I considered it at the time, especially because the counselors at school are free and no one needs to know, but I keep backing out. I haven't contacted him yet.
  4. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I agree with WildCherry. See if a therapist will help.

    And you have all of us to talk to.
  5. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    I haven't built up the courage to talk to a therapist yet, but I think about it sometimes.

    And thank you. I hope maybe it will help at least a little.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums Angela!! I'm sure you will find this place is very supportive and non judgemental.. Please think seriously about seeing someone.. it does help to be able to talk to a professional...Take care!!
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Angela and welcome...why not write down what you would say to the counselor and practice that way...it might make the initial contact less scary and more in your control...welcome again, big hugs, J
  8. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum :)
  9. Mama_Pills

    Mama_Pills Well-Known Member

    Thanks, everyone, for your initial support.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Angela, welcome to SF. :)
  11. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum Angela. Seeking outside help can be a very difficult thing to do. You have already taken a step in that direction by joining the forum and sharing with us. We can offer peer to peer support, but I do think it would be to your benefit to see a counselor. Since the services at your school are free, why not give it a try? You don't have to go in and tell everything to begin with. Build up a comfort level with the counselor. Share the things you feel you need to. You would be surprised at how much you are able to share. :hug:
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