introduction. utterly despairing.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by notmadeforthesetimes, Jun 26, 2011.

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  1. it has been about an hour since i told my partner of fifteen years that i can't stand the pain of living anymore...having my partner R tell me how hard it is to be with me, to stand up for me when people hurt my feelings, how R knows that people keep hurting my feelings but nevertheless, R is someone who doesn't enjoy conflict, and wants to be liked. I want to be liked too. I have busted my ass to be liked, but it always seems that my oversensitivity gets in the way. apparently, the fact that i am tattooed, have degrees from ivy league schools, aren't gifted in small talk, am always attuned to the slightest cruelties that others inflict not only on me, but on others as well..it damns me.

    "Why can't you just have fun? Why does it bother you when people are mean to others? They're not being mean to you!"

    or, alternately, "Who cares if they're mean to you? I love you, so I should be the only one who counts."

    OR, "If you weren't so sensitive, people wouldn't be so weirded out by you."

    Add these select pearls from my partner to the cruelties of the one family member I talk to anymore ("It's always YOU with the problem. YOU need to accept the world and stop trying to make people accept you") and I'd hope someone on this board would understand the frustration and futility.

    I spent almost six hundred dollars for a weekend away with my partner. We were supposed to stay till Monday. It's now Sunday, four a.m., and I spent the last half hour crying all the way back to the hotel while my partner tried to explain why I was a moron for hoping that perhaps the cruel treatment I suffered wasn't my fault. But apparently it is, because I'm shy and hide in the bathroom, rather than flirt with everyone in the universe. Of course I was blamed.

    My best friend/bandmate said he defended me. He didn't. But I thought he did and got angry at which point the other bandmate said I had no right to bring up any problems with the band. He routinely refuses to invite the other members of our band anywhere, acts as if we are embarrassing him, and at one point last week pretty much told me where to stick it.

    So, back to the original story. R is now asleep while I wish and pray that I had the nerve to drive back home and then end it all the way a friend of mine did a few months ago. I already told R that happiness would be a lot easier to come by if not for me. OF course R was horrified, of course R is now sleeping happily while I cry.

    A band I love wrote a song called "Sleep Will Come And With It Peace." I wish I could believe in a loving heaven but I just don't. This world is evil and cruel. The most I can hope for is the end of the constant sadness I feel. I have been cursed with self-awareness. I know I am hated and considered worthless. If i could fool myself, everything would be better. But almost every day, someone else comes out of the woodwork to tell me how worthless I am and make me feel even more like a piece of nothingness than I already feel.

    Who am I? Someone who once felt they were an unusually sensitive, perceptive, and artistic person who now feels like a hated failure. I drink too much, cry too much, and engage in too many activities designed to make me forget how much of a disappointment my entire life has been (these activities range from ill-advised scuba diving trips to hawaii to thankless gigs playing lead guitar with bandmates lacking feelings other than the usual pursuits of the hipster type, to too many hours spent reading, sleeping, crying, and intoxicating myself).

    I write a lot too. Usually about my idealized self. Because, to make matters even more horrid for myself, I do not like the gender I was born into. Being female SUCKS. If I was born a female cat, however, the gender wouldn't be a big deal. But given the situation at hand, it is.

    I'm glad to find this forum. I'm wondering how everyone manages to live day to day. Because right now, I am so depressed I don't know what to do. My life has narrowed, winnowed into worthlessness. I am not the type to be able to console myself with "kids" or a "wife" or "husband" or a "good job". I have no interest in any of it. But I don't have anything else anymore, because my band are no longer "could be's" and are now "never will be's".

    Sorry to whine. I just can't shake this feeling of worthlessness and depression. And it's been made worse by one of my bandmates, who does nothing but use the rest of the band for money, even though he openly despises us.



    "if the water should cut my life, set me free, i don't care...i want to live in a bathysphere...my home is the sea"--smog

    "SCUBA stands for Some Come Up Barely Alive"--unknown
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...so sorry things feel so awful but so glad you are here...just wanted to say, 'welcome' and that I hope you find the support and caring you are seeking...big hugs, J
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello and welcome to the forums.. Have you been in any kind of therapy?? It helps to have someone you can talk to face to face.. They can teach you coping skills and the difference between cognitive distortions.. I wish you well and welcome again..
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i agree being sensitive can be so hard but it also has its positive sides. You tend to care so much about others you have lost YOU right in all ofit.
    I think if you can take a few hours go out and just do things that bring YOU joy okay away from the crowds the noise just enjoy the scenery be quiet with you okay for awhile Yes therapy does help us sensitve souls it does because a therapist does understand what we are and why we are affected so by life.
    Talk to someone okay that will help you see not only the cruelty and sadness in the world but the great amt of compassion and kindness as well You are just looking in one direction hun time to change that perspective hugs to you
     
  5. Eleventyone

    Eleventyone Member

    Hello, I'm new, too... I feel like I can understand many of the things you mention here because a lot of them are similar to things I do or feel. I won't go into all of them because I don't want to sit here and talk about me. What really spoke to me were the things you mentioned about your partner...

    I can't seem to talk about my problems because he says things like "Well I love you and that should be all that counts." I know he loves me...that's not why I have the bad feelings...they're not related to him. I don't know if R has done this, but mine will take any sort of thing I say (about my own bad feelings) and act as if it's his fault...which makes me feel even worse.

    Anyway, I'm sorry so many people are making you feel worthless :( I know that hurts...because that is what I feel right now. I have never met you, but you sound very educated and artistic...and that to me is very valuable. I sincerely hope you do not end it all because we need more beautiful, sensitive souls in the world.
     
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