Introduction with some questions.... Help please

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sollepus, Sep 22, 2011.

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  1. sollepus

    sollepus Active Member

    So after years of ignoring the issue and not trying to get help here I am.

    I hardly know where to start, so I guess I'll start near the beginning. My questions are at the bottom.

    Here's my story for those who care to read:
    I grew up in a wealthy Irish family with an absentee (or when he was home, drunk) father, a psychopath and control freak for a mother and a little brother who literally got everything. I understand this sounds like rambling, but my mother told me just yesterday (it was my 3 month anniversary with my boyfriend) that I was stupid and crazy. She also tells me what to do on a regular basis. Btw, I'm 25.

    From at least age 6, I was told I was stupid, lazy and worthless on a daily basis. To prove my family wrong, I over-achieved at everything. Dance, pageants, school, art, you name it. I tried so hard to be the golden child. At 10, my dad decided he didn't want to pay for my clothes anymore, so I had to start babysitting.

    At age 12, I landed a job as a farm hand/babysitter from 12 hours a day 5-6 days a week (yes I am from the country).

    I went to a private school in high school and worked extra hard to graduate a year early with a 4.0 just so I could move out. During this time, I had a long-term boyfriend. He proposed, and though I wanted to wait, my parents told me I needed to get married right away. They were going through there crazy Christian phase and didn't want me "living in sin" (I am a Christian, just they were a little extreme for a while). Also, my mom constantly berated me by calling me a word I can't post and worthless.

    So, at 18, I got married. On paper, he looked good, but about 6 months into the relationship, I found out he was using drugs. I mean I'm no angel, but he was hard core.

    So, I stayed married (like I said I'm a Christian and needed proof for an adultery divorce), worked my behind off, put myself through school and graduated with exceptionally high honors (all while working, being president of honor societies, clubs, etc.). Btw, we were married for 7 years and he only worked about 1 year out of it. The rest of the time he was doing drugs, stealing my money and cheating on me (I didn't get my proof until earlier this year). AND he is currently in prison in Florida for the next 18 months.

    My marital relationship was miserable. He yelled at me, punched holes in walls, lied constantly, threw things at me, etc. So, I worked out a lot and got pretty buff to defend myself.

    As for now, I am sitting at home with a fractured back from a fall (I already had 4 fractured vertebrae from dance, and now have 3 new ones). My boss laid me off. And even before all of this recent stuff, I starting cutting again.

    I always cut my feet so no one can see. AND during the crap with my ex, I cut myself a lot. I have contemplated suicide since I was a little kid. The only thing that's stopped me is that I feel a sense of duty to those around me (friends, pets, family, etc.).

    On the outside, I appear super perky and happy; on the inside I'm miserable half the time. Especially if I let myself think. I almost did it last night and called a hotline instead. Sorry for the long biography, but like I said I didn't know what to say. Thanks for reading!

    Btw, I am already on antidepressants, have been since 18. My doc switched my meds, which helped for a little while (as in about a month). I have seen a therapist, but I wasn't 100% honest since at the time, I wasn't ready for the "suicidal" stamp to be placed on me. I have a very supportive bf who knows some of my issues (cutting, etc.) same with friends. But I have never told anyone about my suicidal thoughts before last night (on the hotline).

    Advice? Has anyone had experience with inpatient treatment? Oh and I don't have insurance.... :/
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi and say i read your post hun. I am sorry your mother treats you so awful it is quite obvious you are very smart hun so her words ignore them okay. With all you have gone through it is no wonder you have thoughts of suicide hun. I do think you need to talk to your doctor let him or her know you are having thoughts but don't plan to act on them I hope in time you can get some help to heal Inpatient programs do help you find new coping skills either the cutting hun they will give you more positive ways to deal with your trauma. I do hope you continue to reach out here hun hugs to you
     
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome, sollepus. Just wanted to leave a note here in response to your question about inpatient treatment: I've been in inpatient treatment before, and I'm not sure what people without insurance can do. But, if you are involuntarily committed, I think the court has to pay for it if you don't have any insurance. I'm from the southern USA too. Take care.
     
  4. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you lost the husband, you should not have put up with being treated that way, because your a christian. A man is supposed to be good to his woman, and faithful. Your mom, need to just quit talking to her alltogether. Abusive in every aspect of the word. All this abuse, you need to get it out of your life. Start fresh. If your boyfriend is sweet and being good to you, I'd keep ahold of him.. Maybe you could start some college courses or something, take your mind off of things, sounds like you was a brain in highschool. 4.0 wow..

    The inpatient program, I went through it, I was kept in the hospital for about 5 days. It was a lock up so I had to get their permission if I wanted to go out and smoke. We were allowed to use the pay phones, have visitors, they had a washer/dryer to do your laundry. They keep your personal belongings, makeup, etc, but they let me use it after I took a shower. I went to group meetings and talked with a psychiatrist one on one. 3 meals a day. They tried me on new medication. Met some nice people while I was there. Shared a room with someone else. Don't know how she stood it because I snore loud. lol.. It's really not that bad, unless you smoke, because they don't let you have a cigarette anytime you want it.
     
  5. sollepus

    sollepus Active Member

    Thanks everyone!

    Actually, I graduated college almost suma cum laude (made A's for four years straight and got a B my last semester). My dad told me I wouldn't beat his GPA; I smashed it.

    I wouldn't mind going back to school; I'm only 12 hours away from a second Bachelor's in graphic design (current degree mass comm with a concentration in journalism emphasis in public relations).

    Right now, I am not sure I can handle the stress of school. As mentioned, I'm an over achiever, so I always put my all into everything.

    Though it has taken me so long, it is just so nice to talk to people who understand. There aren't any support groups in my area. At least that I can find. I've never been to one anyway.

    I've always hid my problems, because of the social stigma. My family fought me when I first decided to seek treatment for my issues. My dad lectured me for hours.

    Lastly, obviously my family is an issue, but it is so hard to just cut ties. Especially when you have a giant Irish family who calls and calls. I'm considering having a sit down with them and telling them everything. Thoughts?
     
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Tell someone in the family - I have Irish blood and and an English heart - so refuse to let depression win.

    You got to open up!

    I kept mine in for 30 years - so - trust me - even if you can do it for that long - the point is? Well - there is no point.

    Christian? I guess I am also - but - I'd live without being married - actually to test the waters. Telling you to marry at 18 was epically stupid of them.

    Also - its YOU who had to live the man - not them. I'm Catholic but take no sh** from any loud-mouthed God Botherers who ram religion down your throat.

    As for the husband - hard drug using husbands are always not worth it.

    No almost always

    Always.

    but you were 18 - very young - and rushed into it when you needed time living with him to see if marriage would work.

    Don't cut ties with family - tell one you like - the others will know tomorrow if you give permission - if they cannot understand you - they are no good - but I bet some will give you nice hug and tell you about other family members who had this also.

    Welcome anyhow - I think you took the first step to actually getting well.

    Well - I know you took it.

    Your problem is social stigma - well its your families problem actually - and societies - not yours.

    you have an illness

    its not catching

    and most people KNOW about depression because EVERY family has a few people with it - especially a large Irish family.

    So - nothing to worry about there - and nobody here worries about social stigma too much - not after I've finished with them!

    Regards.
     
  7. sollepus

    sollepus Active Member

    Never thought about that. I may tell my dad, because oddly enough, after he quit drinking (literally was forced to, lol), he and I get along the best.

    I'm glad someone understands the whole giant Irish family thing (if you're not part of one, it's hard to explain, especially in the States). Mine is the smallest, two kids. BUT, you don't even want to know how many cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I have on both sides (and on my dad's side, they are more spread out, as in not in the South but New York, Virginia, etc.).

    It's hard to cut ties with people who badger you to death on a daily basis. Also, I may or may not have mentioned, but I am Catholic as well. (Parents converted to Protestantism).

    Right now, my family is more concerned with my brother's French doors and making his new home they bought for him nice, but I am going to make them talk to me, or rather listen. (Told you they were wealthy, :/). They don't even call to se how I'm feeling with the fractured back and all.

    I will keep you posted on how it goes. And I've always been a fighter, always will be, otherwise I wouldn't even be here now. Thanks!
     
  8. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    I know this isn't an easy thing to do, but If I were you, I would just cut your family out of my life. Despite how your life has been, you have accomplished soooooooo much. You should be extremely proud of yourself, and if they don't see how strong you are, then that's their problem, not yours.

    I think part of your problem, is that you became an overachiever because your family said you were worthless, and you wanted to prove them wrong. And you've done that, but still don't have any approval. I think if you stop trying to overachieve and trying to win approval, you will start to feel better about yourself.

    I'm similar to you because I've kept in most of my problems from just about everyone. I don't think I've ever been 100% honest with my therapist. I lie to her all the time, especially I know I shouldn't. You should definitly let people know about your struggles, but only to people you know that really care about you, and would want you to get better.
     
  9. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member


    Well - the Irish experience re family is amazing - there are always a few who understand depression - and although there is a social stigma - the family will understand - and old aunts and uncles - maybe your dad will nod wisely and say "Aye - to be sure - a man or woman can get the darkness in them"

    Your dad drinking - lol - many a man drinks to held back depression - I bet your dad will hug you and maybe shed a little Irish tear for his daughter. He'd walk through hell for you.

    someone said 'cu off the family' - but people who do this - your worse off.

    IF the family has been abusive -- walk away for sure.

    but NEVER blame family if they cannot understand depression.

    However - an Irish family WILL have lots who understand.

    I bet you got hundreds of cousins!

    Bet one is like you! Just like you! Carries the darkness a little!

    Well - I did almost fall in love with an Irish girl once - the long black hair - the Irish accent - and her brother was in the IRA. I guess I would have ended up in jail somewhere.

    But you invade someone elses nation - tell me - do the locals welcome armed foreign troops these days? I mean if the Chinese turned up the IK would we say "Ah - jolly decent of them to only kill a million of us!!"

    Forget me - I'm fighting mad also - for a cause! Not for something silly like not getting enough relish on the kebab - not that I'd eat a kebab - I mean - the people who work there will not eat it! Its grey meat - dyed - seen the photos of a big vat of this kebab meat - moulded into the funny shapes for the flame.

    Makes me depressed actually thinking how the English are so lost that we adopt the kebab as a national symbol of our erstwhile determination to - er- eat kebabs, drink and fight each other if we have 20 mates.

    i am so GLAD I have Irish blood - I think its very indeed! Celtic blood - makes me part of what I am - or could be - should be or would be?

    No - what I will be!

    Which is?

    Something great.

    Someone great.

    Maybe a poet - wearing a suit, or maybe a sports tracksuit.

    I just always wanted to be me really.

    See you later!

    go talk to your dad.

    take a gulp of whatever - poteen? - and talk! That's what Irish do - look at me? This is a short post !
     
  10. sollepus

    sollepus Active Member

    Pancake111: You hit the proverbial nail on the head. I've always retaliated by doing what they said I couldn't and doing it better.

    Also, you're right about the whole approval thing; I've learned there is NOTHING I can do to please them. I still try though.

    They are always really nasty to me no matter what; particularly over the past few months and even more so over the past few weeks: example, since I fell and fractured my back, I am stupid, lazy and it is all my fault.

    It would take ages to list the insults I've heard just in the past few days. For example, I am a terrible person (according to them) and they wish I was more like my younger brother. Btw, who is 22, works at Wal-Mart, mooches off them constantly, has never taken any responsibility (for example my mom wakes up at 5 in the morning to cook him a giant breakfast and pack his lunch), and they just bought him a house. The best part about them doing so is that for about 4 days they were more concerned with his French doors and didn't even call to see how I was; so I kept phone convos to less than 2 minutes.

    So, whatever, I am going to try to talk to them, seriously talk to them and tell them everything.

    Peacelovingguy: Yep, my dad was the stereotypical Irish drunk. I didn't see him sober until I was 19 and the docs made him quit drinking. Also, he has bipolar disorder and had a nervous breakdown when I was a kid. He was on antidepressants for about a month after he quit drinking but decided it made him "weak" and he could control it himself. I love my dad and we relate well; it's just hard to talk to him without my mom hovering. She drives us both batty.

    My bro has had some issues, not as bad though.

    My mom is the really bonkers and nasty one. She is a complete sociopath who thinks she is the sane one living in a house of crazies. She is also the most verbally abusive. She sees nothing wrong with her behavior at ALL. And if she apologizes for anything (I can count on one hand how many times I've heard her do it), it's forced and followed with a "but" to justify how she was really right. She's nuts.

    And you're right, I do have hundreds of cousins, 16 girls in a 3 year time span and that's just my dad's side and the ones closest to my age, lol. As I mentioned before, it is really hard to explain how close knit Irish families are in the States (for example, every week as a kid, we had dinner at each grandmother's house surrounded by the closest uncles, aunts and cousins). So, I don't think I could ever cut ties. I love my family; even if there are a few nasty ones.

    So, I am planning a sit down with the parents to explain everything, honestly. I am going to let them know I need their support or I need them to back off while I get my head together. I've already started writing out what I want to say.

    Thanks to you both for the advice! :)
     
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