So after years of ignoring the issue and not trying to get help here I am.
I hardly know where to start, so I guess I'll start near the beginning. My questions are at the bottom.
Here's my story for those who care to read:
I grew up in a wealthy Irish family with an absentee (or when he was home, drunk) father, a psychopath and control freak for a mother and a little brother who literally got everything. I understand this sounds like rambling, but my mother told me just yesterday (it was my 3 month anniversary with my boyfriend) that I was stupid and crazy. She also tells me what to do on a regular basis. Btw, I'm 25.
From at least age 6, I was told I was stupid, lazy and worthless on a daily basis. To prove my family wrong, I over-achieved at everything. Dance, pageants, school, art, you name it. I tried so hard to be the golden child. At 10, my dad decided he didn't want to pay for my clothes anymore, so I had to start babysitting.
At age 12, I landed a job as a farm hand/babysitter from 12 hours a day 5-6 days a week (yes I am from the country).
I went to a private school in high school and worked extra hard to graduate a year early with a 4.0 just so I could move out. During this time, I had a long-term boyfriend. He proposed, and though I wanted to wait, my parents told me I needed to get married right away. They were going through there crazy Christian phase and didn't want me "living in sin" (I am a Christian, just they were a little extreme for a while). Also, my mom constantly berated me by calling me a word I can't post and worthless.
So, at 18, I got married. On paper, he looked good, but about 6 months into the relationship, I found out he was using drugs. I mean I'm no angel, but he was hard core.
So, I stayed married (like I said I'm a Christian and needed proof for an adultery divorce), worked my behind off, put myself through school and graduated with exceptionally high honors (all while working, being president of honor societies, clubs, etc.). Btw, we were married for 7 years and he only worked about 1 year out of it. The rest of the time he was doing drugs, stealing my money and cheating on me (I didn't get my proof until earlier this year). AND he is currently in prison in Florida for the next 18 months.
My marital relationship was miserable. He yelled at me, punched holes in walls, lied constantly, threw things at me, etc. So, I worked out a lot and got pretty buff to defend myself.
As for now, I am sitting at home with a fractured back from a fall (I already had 4 fractured vertebrae from dance, and now have 3 new ones). My boss laid me off. And even before all of this recent stuff, I starting cutting again.
I always cut my feet so no one can see. AND during the crap with my ex, I cut myself a lot. I have contemplated suicide since I was a little kid. The only thing that's stopped me is that I feel a sense of duty to those around me (friends, pets, family, etc.).
On the outside, I appear super perky and happy; on the inside I'm miserable half the time. Especially if I let myself think. I almost did it last night and called a hotline instead. Sorry for the long biography, but like I said I didn't know what to say. Thanks for reading!
Btw, I am already on antidepressants, have been since 18. My doc switched my meds, which helped for a little while (as in about a month). I have seen a therapist, but I wasn't 100% honest since at the time, I wasn't ready for the "suicidal" stamp to be placed on me. I have a very supportive bf who knows some of my issues (cutting, etc.) same with friends. But I have never told anyone about my suicidal thoughts before last night (on the hotline).
Advice? Has anyone had experience with inpatient treatment? Oh and I don't have insurance.... :/
I hardly know where to start, so I guess I'll start near the beginning. My questions are at the bottom.
Here's my story for those who care to read:
I grew up in a wealthy Irish family with an absentee (or when he was home, drunk) father, a psychopath and control freak for a mother and a little brother who literally got everything. I understand this sounds like rambling, but my mother told me just yesterday (it was my 3 month anniversary with my boyfriend) that I was stupid and crazy. She also tells me what to do on a regular basis. Btw, I'm 25.
From at least age 6, I was told I was stupid, lazy and worthless on a daily basis. To prove my family wrong, I over-achieved at everything. Dance, pageants, school, art, you name it. I tried so hard to be the golden child. At 10, my dad decided he didn't want to pay for my clothes anymore, so I had to start babysitting.
At age 12, I landed a job as a farm hand/babysitter from 12 hours a day 5-6 days a week (yes I am from the country).
I went to a private school in high school and worked extra hard to graduate a year early with a 4.0 just so I could move out. During this time, I had a long-term boyfriend. He proposed, and though I wanted to wait, my parents told me I needed to get married right away. They were going through there crazy Christian phase and didn't want me "living in sin" (I am a Christian, just they were a little extreme for a while). Also, my mom constantly berated me by calling me a word I can't post and worthless.
So, at 18, I got married. On paper, he looked good, but about 6 months into the relationship, I found out he was using drugs. I mean I'm no angel, but he was hard core.
So, I stayed married (like I said I'm a Christian and needed proof for an adultery divorce), worked my behind off, put myself through school and graduated with exceptionally high honors (all while working, being president of honor societies, clubs, etc.). Btw, we were married for 7 years and he only worked about 1 year out of it. The rest of the time he was doing drugs, stealing my money and cheating on me (I didn't get my proof until earlier this year). AND he is currently in prison in Florida for the next 18 months.
My marital relationship was miserable. He yelled at me, punched holes in walls, lied constantly, threw things at me, etc. So, I worked out a lot and got pretty buff to defend myself.
As for now, I am sitting at home with a fractured back from a fall (I already had 4 fractured vertebrae from dance, and now have 3 new ones). My boss laid me off. And even before all of this recent stuff, I starting cutting again.
I always cut my feet so no one can see. AND during the crap with my ex, I cut myself a lot. I have contemplated suicide since I was a little kid. The only thing that's stopped me is that I feel a sense of duty to those around me (friends, pets, family, etc.).
On the outside, I appear super perky and happy; on the inside I'm miserable half the time. Especially if I let myself think. I almost did it last night and called a hotline instead. Sorry for the long biography, but like I said I didn't know what to say. Thanks for reading!
Btw, I am already on antidepressants, have been since 18. My doc switched my meds, which helped for a little while (as in about a month). I have seen a therapist, but I wasn't 100% honest since at the time, I wasn't ready for the "suicidal" stamp to be placed on me. I have a very supportive bf who knows some of my issues (cutting, etc.) same with friends. But I have never told anyone about my suicidal thoughts before last night (on the hotline).
Advice? Has anyone had experience with inpatient treatment? Oh and I don't have insurance.... :/