Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Krem, Dec 29, 2009.

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  1. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    Hello, I am 'Krem'. I originally posted in this forum with an idea to help people, but since then I have found some relief in posting here. Since I am likely to come back, I felt it proper to introduce myself. I am copy-pasting the rest from another thread I posted in, which for some reason I am unable to edit further.

    I have a few people I interact with at all, and they are hardly friendly. One is a drug-addicted slut, one is a cruel, uncaring "troll", two are manic and mad, and the last one is a shrewd, manipulative girl who is incapable of leaving my thoughts. I am incapable of studying, for I have never needed to, yet my grades are getting worse. I have a supportive family, somewhat, but who refuse to admit I have a problem. Since I was a child I have been hounded, mocked and avoided-- I was stoned over 5 times from 1st to 3rd grade, and none of my so-called peers did anything to help me (Age 5ish-7ish). My tastes and interests are bizarre to those around me, often to the extend of offending their tastes. I have been with doctors from before I can remember, and yet they revealed nothing to me. If I have been diagnosed with anything, my parents would know, but refuse to tell me. My social maturity is, to say the least, lacking, and thus I am unaware of whatever social crimes I comitt, until I am mocked and/or punished for them. Even then, I am unaware of what I have done wrong. I am also a coward, the thought of physical pain is enough to invoke dread. Loud noises, unexpected noises, fast movement, it is all enough to make me, as they say, 'jump'. I have been in fights, but I have not fought back, for fear of 'angering' them. I hardly taste anymore, and my fat, grotesque body is cold and numb all the time. My skin is dry, and bleeds easily- My scalp, forehead and eyebrows are falling away in flakes. My eyesight is getting worse, my balance is getting worse, my hands shake, my hand-to-eye coordination is getting worse, and, worst of all, my thinking is getting worse. I am forgetting more and more, from events to words, I often fail to solve problems, to see what should be obvious. I am cought in my own lies, even if they serve no purpose. Often I have lied before I realise it, with mundane things to fancy, unimportant tails. I am scared of growing up, because I know I will not function. Bodily hair disgusts me, the slightest hint of age horrifies me. I wish to stay a child, to live without knowing, without responsibilities, free of thought and social standards, to simply play all day, to be taken care of, every need sated, with thought limited to what I shall do with my playmates this day. I preach virtues I can not follow, I tell people not to do things, or openly judge them for doings things which I know I would do. I tell people I am not interested in sex, that I find real people not sexually attractive, which is only half-truth. I do not find most people sexually attractive, but I have seen some older teens which are, physically, sexually attractive. But the problem is that I have a deep lack of trust towards other. I do enjoy what rare hugs I can get, but when people touch me in areas I am not used to being touched, for an example my face, lower back, arse, thighs, it is uncomfortable. This, added with the fact that I am somewhat ashamed of my body, makes me too feel uncomfortable for coitus, if I ever would have the oppurtunity, and yet I am a heavy user of pornography, mostly text and drawn images. In addition, I am often unable to see people as people, I forget they have emotions of their own. Outside, when I see someone getting hurt, even badly, I feel nothing. All I saw was a piece of meat. Should someone I know get hurt, all I would see is how it affects me. This is not true for fictional characters, however, for I see them as more real than actual people. I am, aswell, highly paranoid. If I hear someone laughing, I assume it is because of me. When I am outside, I look around me all the time, in fear of an assailant. If someone compliment me, I never believe them, I always believe they are mocking me. If someone were to invite me for something, I would believe it was to trick me into doing whatever vile, sick things they do. I often believe all of you, every single one, is together in some network of jests, against me, using me as your puppet-toy, pulling my strings and laughing at the resault you get. I am also, as they say, "afraid of the dark". My imagination runs wild, often, and any unexpected sound can send waves of terror through me. As well, for an example, I have tried to play the game 'Dead Space', but I could not, for I was too frightened.

    Well, that was it, for now. I am sure there is more, but I can not remember it at this moment. This self-pity is pathetic, I know, but I still enjoy it somewhat. Maybe this is my way of attention-seeking, who knows.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to the forum. It's good that posting is helping you. It helps me too. You may want to print this message out to take to your doctor. I have a difficult time describing to my doctor the kinds of things I have problems with and I have learned it's that way for a lot of people.

    When the doctor knows these things he/she can help better. I'm not qualified to say what is wrong or what you need.

    Again, welcome! :)
  3. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    Hey, welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry for everything that's happened in your life that has made you this way, and I really hope that you get the help you need.
    I agree with Chargette, if you show this to your doctor, he/she would be able to diagnose you properly and give you the help you need.
    In the meantime keep posting and sharing your thought and feelings with us. You won't be judged in here and i'm sure you'll find support. :)
  4. Krem

    Krem Well-Known Member

    I would, but I am not 18 yet, so my parents control most of my life, and they, I believe, refuse to realise that I need to return to a doctor. But, other than that, err.. Thank you.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Just wanted to say hi, and welcome to SF!
  6. unnati

    unnati Member

    hey krem welcome to the world of SF..
    njoy ur stay here.. :IrishDoll:
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forum Krem! :welcome:
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF Krem. I am glad you posted. I hope we are able to help you in some way. :hug:
  9. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    welcometo SF :)
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums Krem!!Sounds like you have had a rough time of it.. Feel free to just jump right in.. The members here are very supportive..Take care!!!
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