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Discussion in 'Welcome' started by lookingforhope, Apr 2, 2010.

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  1. I don't really know how to introduce myself. I suppose I will share some of my story.

    I am a university student, in my mid-twenties, and I am working part-time. I have been struggling with mental health issues for more than a decade. I have been in and out of hospitals with repeat suicide attempts for as long as I can remember. (I first thought about ending my life at 8 years old, and by 11 years old, I was actively making plans to end my life. I made my first attempt at 13 years old).

    I have worked really hard to get healthy, and I have made a lot of gains in my recovery. It has been a year and a half since my last attempt, and prior to that, almost three years. I no longer self-harm (5 years recovery), and I have been in recovery from an eating disorder for almost 2 years. I still struggle with major depressive disorder (and some accompanying OCD traits during episodes of crisis). I was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager, but I no longer meet the criteria for that diagnosis. Medication has never been helpful to me, and I have always resisted ECT.

    I am saddened and distressed to be experiencing another episode of depression. Unfortunately, I have started to take medication again, because I am afraid I might hurt myself. In the past, I always thought I wanted to die. I now know that I don't really want to die, but rather, I want the negative thoughts and emotions to "die". I don't really want to hurt myself, but rather, I want to "hurt" the darkness inside of myself. I am really struggling to survive, and to stay alive.

    I thought I would come to this site to look for some anonymous support. My family and friends don't know that I am struggling again. It scares them a lot, and I don't want them to worry. I am not in the same place I was in the past, because I am actively fighting to get better. I just need someone to understand how hard it is, and that it is not really in my control, or at least it doesn't feel like it.

    I'm sorry this was so long. That's all for now.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey nice to meet you and I like your name.

    I am glad you found us as this place is great and full of support and caring members who will be there for you and understand and relate to what you are going through.

    I look forward to getting to know you and admire all the efforts you have done to not let your illness control you life...you are indeed strong!

    Take care , Bambi
  3. Ouroboros

    Ouroboros Chat Buddy

    Hello, and welcome to SF.

    Its good to hear that you have reached a stage where you realise its the negatives you want to die and not yourself :hug:

    Sorry that you are experiencing a hard time again, this does happen as I'm sure you know, but the fact that you want to fight it and you seek help is fantastic :hug:

    I hope to see you around

  4. alle_vite

    alle_vite Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome to sf im glad you found the site, sorry to hear your going through a hard time again but its good that you have recognised it and are on medication to keep you safe! if you ever need a chat pm me im around pretty much most of the time

    take care

  5. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member


    Why haven't you told them you are struggling again???
  6. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF, and I hope that you can get some form of comfort out of knowing that we're here <3
  7. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. I hope you find the support you need here.

    It's great that you've done so much to recover. It takes a lot of strength to do something like that. :)
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums!! You came to the right place.. The members here are good at offering support.. It might start out a little slow but the more you post the more replies you will get.. Stay strong and stay safe!!
  9. Wow. Thanks for the warm welcome. I don't suppose I will post often, but I'm around. I started medication again, but I know it could be a while before it starts working . . I'm just holding out for hope. I hate feeling like this, so acutely suicidal. Thanks again for all the response.
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum. I hope you receive the kind of support you are looking for. You will find us to be a caring community. :hug:
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