I don't really know how to introduce myself. I suppose I will share some of my story. I am a university student, in my mid-twenties, and I am working part-time. I have been struggling with mental health issues for more than a decade. I have been in and out of hospitals with repeat suicide attempts for as long as I can remember. (I first thought about ending my life at 8 years old, and by 11 years old, I was actively making plans to end my life. I made my first attempt at 13 years old). I have worked really hard to get healthy, and I have made a lot of gains in my recovery. It has been a year and a half since my last attempt, and prior to that, almost three years. I no longer self-harm (5 years recovery), and I have been in recovery from an eating disorder for almost 2 years. I still struggle with major depressive disorder (and some accompanying OCD traits during episodes of crisis). I was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager, but I no longer meet the criteria for that diagnosis. Medication has never been helpful to me, and I have always resisted ECT. I am saddened and distressed to be experiencing another episode of depression. Unfortunately, I have started to take medication again, because I am afraid I might hurt myself. In the past, I always thought I wanted to die. I now know that I don't really want to die, but rather, I want the negative thoughts and emotions to "die". I don't really want to hurt myself, but rather, I want to "hurt" the darkness inside of myself. I am really struggling to survive, and to stay alive. I thought I would come to this site to look for some anonymous support. My family and friends don't know that I am struggling again. It scares them a lot, and I don't want them to worry. I am not in the same place I was in the past, because I am actively fighting to get better. I just need someone to understand how hard it is, and that it is not really in my control, or at least it doesn't feel like it. I'm sorry this was so long. That's all for now.